SELF ABSORBED IN EMPTY CIRCLES OF TIME

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July 12^th2015



Lawson, NSW, Australia





….the presence of anguish is an opportunity for understanding..... the presence of craving is an opportunity for letting go.....

But no sooner is it glimpsed than it is gone. Cessation of craving is like a momentary gap in the clouds. The sun shines brilliantly for a few minutes, only to be covered over again. We find ourselves back in the humbling fog of anguish, craving, habit, restlessness, distraction. But with a difference: now we know where this track goes. We have set foot in the territory for which these words are just a map.

Stephen Batchelor: Buddhism without Beliefs




All my life's a circle....

It seems like I've been here before..

Harry Chapin



I arrive at the front door of my friend's Sydney flat. I have come to see him and to pick up 'Myrtle'. Myrtle is my 38 year old hand made steel string acoustic guitar (far too good an instrument to travel with) which I leave with him while I am away. As he opens the door I get a very weird sensation seeing him there in the doorway. It is almost 2 years since I stood here and he stood there: when I dropped Myrtle off on the day I left Sydney bound for India. I suddenly feel the relativity of time and how the last 2 years might as well have never happened … like I was still in this very same spot and moment as then.




Complete the circle

Breathe and consider: Where am I?

What do I need to do here now?

Accept and let go



I had just arrived in Sydney after leaving India some weeks before. I chose to take a 4 night ordeal of travel across the globe: first an overnight bus from my Himalayan retreat in northern India to Delhi... then that same day an overnight train from Delhi to Kolkata; again that same day a flight that night to Kuala Lumpur, followed by that same day a night flight to Melbourne. Yes I am mad. But it was OK. The train at least provided a decent sleep... and a nap or two on the floor at KL airport was also refreshing.

In Kolkata I had the experience of a reverse 'Alice in Wonderland' (without chasing a rabbit)... from the enchanted to the mundane. I had caught the metro to Dum Dum station, and then a local bus that I was assured would take me to the airport. Getting off the bus at the conductors insistence I found myself on a typical Indian chaotic street with smells and sounds and colour one would expect. But where was the airport? I was motioned to a narrow ill-lit aperture across the street. Surely not? I crossed and walked through the dark lane-way and emerged onto a brilliantly lit modern four lane highway with the new (award winning) Kolkata International Terminal in sight. I was early.. so I reversed back to 'India' for a local 10 rupee chai in a dingy (but still enchanting to my tastes) little chai stall. Then back again to that other world where one embarks on global travel. And this was another circle. Nearly 2 years ago I had emerged from Terminal 2 to this magical other world.



Complete the circle

Breathe and consider: Where am I?

What do I need to do here now?

Accept and let go



In Melbourne I boarded the Airbus into town. My eldest daughter had come all the way from Sydney and was in the city waiting. I made my way (well, after getting a bit lost and still not au fait with 'google maps' on my far too smart phone) … to the hostel where she was staying. My youngest daughter who lives in Melbourne was busy with work and other things. So next day we (eldest and I) flew down to Hobart in Tasmania for a week to catch up with my sister-in-law and older brother.

Seeing my daughters after 2 years absence was not easy.. It's been my second stint of long absence in 6 years and not their idea of a father staying close and available. They have grown and changed and are now both remarkable young women (25 and 27). I have changed too, and on both sides we need to get to know each other again.

After some days back in Sydney (driving back from Melbourne with older daughter and catching up with a few friends) I reached my mum's place (and where I grew up) in the Blue Mountains... right in the middle of the coldest weather they have had for maybe 50 years (it was, unusually, snowing further up the road). still, it was good to feel 'based' somewhere for a while and to sit still for some days.

I find myself sitting in the lounge room where my now deceased dad used to sit. It's about 32 years since I returned from my first trips to India (having been away 3 years that time) when he sat in this same spot. At that time I was (unbeknownst to me) about to embark on a marriage and the raising of two children for the next 20 years. My mum is next to me in front of the fire. I stare out into the street as I did then, wondering about life and meaning... sitting inside from the cold as I did then.... It could be just then again. Weird. I go to bed in the same room I occupied with two brothers during my childhood and contemplate the workings of my mind back then and through the years. I remember how as a child waiting for sleep and staring at the springs of my younger brother's top bunk from my bottom bunk of the double-decker bed, I used to worry about how on earth it was possible to grow up, be independent, make a living, and survive for a lifetime with any security. It just seemed like such a burden and an impossible task. Now I wonder how I have fared at all.... and muse about the anguish that ensues from my mind's visits from time to time about how I will spend the rest of my life. Mind chatter, to be accepted, put aside and watched.

Anguish and the its associates stalk me like a Himalayan tiger. But I stare it down. I fumble at times for routine and certitude.... so much harder when not settled in one's own 'controlled' space. But then, is not this a good thing? To be thrown and challenged about one's illusion of constancy? 'Get through this and you are a step further on the path' I hear myself say. But not only is the path a little vague right now, I also need to keep revisiting the concept of a path at all. Not to mention being open again to the many paths.

Catching up with long term friends is always challenging. It is an opportunity to gauge and compare and assess. Often (not always) their lifestyle choices and values are so different now from mine, and each meeting ends with me either feeling more relaxed or not with mine amidst the doubts that inevitably arise. I gather more resolve about the acceptance of my decisions. For better or worse (and can we even know the real difference?) I have long ago decided to not entertain regrets. Regrets about the past and worry about the future have, to me, become a complete waste of space and energy that only divert the mind from the calm of the 'now'.

Meanwhile I am failing at being quite as compassionate and tolerant with my 87 year old mother as I had aspired to be when I decided to spend some 'quality' time with her. I am disappointed with myself for reacting to her in ways I find so ego-driven and unnecessary. Each time I open my mouth I recognise this and resolve to try again. Some progress, perhaps two steps forward... then a step back... maybe more... more resolve. I need to let it be (while retaining the resolve).

My friend Wolfgang sends an email from Germany. He says he got depressed when he recently got back to Germany again from India. And his words both resonate for me and haunt me: “Our habits demand their backsheesh”.



Complete the circle

Breathe and consider: Where am I?

What do I need to do here now?



Accept and let go

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Photos

Eucalyptus magic
Just one of the many varieties of Australian exotic flowering

Blue Mountains
View from the top of Wentworth Falls. I always forget how beautiful is the area I grew up in

Autralian national flower - Wattle
I know I am in Australia in the middle of winter when I see the masses of wattle in flower

Icons of Sydney
Sydney Harbour from a ferry

Comments

[Marguerite]

I get it :)
A very special friend once said to me (while I was grappling with the wilderness between adventures) - 'it's not easy being green'............but in my mind it is so much better than being beige or grey. Restful hugs my friend!!1

[Kuan Yin]

It's the dance
Two steps forward and one step back is the dance of life, or at least that's what I try to tell myself when I find myself falling back into useless habits. I had a similar experience with my 82 year old mother. I'd vow to be patient and kind, and inevitably something would happen and I'd revert to being 12. It takes a lot of practice.

[Mike]

Good to see
Only just joined this blog site. Had mostly come across the usual traveler talk as expected. Cheered to read your thoughtful contribution and delighted to see Stephen Batchelor's name and quote. Hope to read more from you. Thanks

[Mike]

Good to see
Only just joined this blog site. Had mostly come across the usual traveler talk as expected. Cheered to read your thoughtful contribution and delighted to see Stephen Batchelor's name and quote. Hope to read more from you. Thanks