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Published: November 16th 2010
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Blue Mountain
The only thing that is less exciting than waking up at 630am while you’re on vacation is drinking Jack Daniels by choice or your grandma accidently mailing her cat to you; neither has happened… in a long time. We basically woke up when all the vampires were heading to sleep.
Now close your eyes everyone and picture this:
The guy shows up from the company we booked our Blue Mountain world tour, with a giant kidnap rape van. When I got on the bus I wasn’t sure if I was in the TV room of a retirement home during, “the Price is Right,” or our tour bus. The bus was also about 34 degrees. If it had started raining in the bus it would have snowed. Now imagine the bus filling up with annoying Britons, who smell like Christmas and look like retired pro bowlers. The seats did fix my posture however.
So we loaded up the AARP World Tour Bus, formally known as the Blue Mountain Tour Bus and headed off, at the crack of frickin dawn. Our bus driver was the most ridiculous guide ever. He told tons of worst jokes that only
related to golf and soccer and weas extremely racist. He kind of reminded me of a short, fat version of my dad. He also never turned off his microphone so when he sighed, breathed loud, burped, farted, laughed at his own jokes, he even choked on his own loogie at one point. The tour started off by heading to an archeological site at the base of the Blue Mountains, where we watched the tour guide eat a ton of plants and tree leafs and mumble a few things about bushes. I was a little worried that this day was gonna blow.
We then headed to several look out spots and things took a turn for the awesome. The weather was holding and the mountains were beautiful. We also got to see some waterfalls and do some hiking, which was a welcome break from the smell of old people and the sore back ice box bus. The Blue Mountains are a sight to see, but they are no Grand Canyons. American’s get excited about really dumb tourist crap and Tara and I were no exception. I haven’t really been connected with nature or man made nature since traveling in Ireland
or working at the golf course, so it was nice to be outdoors so much the last few days. One of the coolest things at the mountains was all the free birds and animals that roam the trees and skies, especially the Cockatoos, they have sweet yellow Mohawks and make some wicked annoying sounds.
The weather closed in on us and the whole valley filled with fog and clouds. The sights and mountains lost their visibility so Tara and I had no choice but to get silly and have as much fun as possible. We took the platform walking tour and checked out the mine. We got ride a tram through the rain and fog, which was cool, except for the 3 kids who kept jumping on the glass floor. I kept waiting and praying for a Pterodactyl or a Trex to rip the glass floor off and eat those little hopping bastards. Our final ride of the day was this open door passenger cart that carries you up a 52 degree slope on the side of the hill. We made it all the way up using no knees, feet or hands.
We ended the day by going
to this park area where we finally saw some damn kangaroos after spending a large portion of the day saying, “There are eventually Kangaroos on the Kangaroo tour?” Wildlife is so much more enjoyable when it’s not stuck behind a glass wall, set of bars, or a cage.
We ended our day at a tapas bar that we had previously been denied access too. If a Spanish Tapas bar slept with an Irish Bar, who’s grandparents were a swank Los Angeles club and a pirate ship, then you would get this place. We also couldn’t afford drinks there, which were $15+ for cocktails and $7.00 a beer so we scum-bagged-it and I took shots of Don Julio Anejo in the bathroom out of a flask all night. My theme for the night became stolen song lyrics from the, “English Beat.” I’m not sure how much Tara enjoyed me singing, “Tequila in the bathroom, please don’t speak, the door is locked just you and me,” all night. Thank goodness for her we called it an early day and went back home to fall asleep at 10pm. Sleep, I kinda like you sometimes.
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