Abandoning My Comfort Zone (Ranting on Uncertainty)

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So when I felt a calling to just go out on a limb and take the journey I am about to enter, there were a lot of fears. After all, at that time, I was preparing myself for the next step on the job market through a recruiting firm that works specifically with military officers. My career marketing skills were being sharpened so that I would leave the Navy and make a smooth transition into the corporate world. As a matter of fact, at this moment, I would be at a career conference in North Carolina. I was also flirting with the idea of teaching and coaching and at one point before then, considering law school (indecisiveness has always a weakness for me!) Heck, even now, I sometimes it is tempting to just abandon my tramping and do what feels comfortable. My fears stem on the fact that I may possibly lose job security and that I am going into this blind with no clue where I will be at the end of this.

Now I must admit that my concerns for job security have nothing to do with money. I do have a steady income throughout the year that will allow me to meet my financial responsibilities and do feel blessed that is the case. It has more to the fact that my absence will hurt my prospects for some future employment opportunities. One of the things Cameron-Brooks, the recruiting firm that was working with me, highly stressed was that companies consider a break in employment time in which a person's skill set begins to atrophy. That means that my competitiveness for high-profile jobs will be weak and that companies may very well overlook me. Another concern for me is that society typically judges a person based on their job. When you first meet a person, I am sure that one of the questions that is asked is, "so what do you do for a living?" When I get that question, I feel a little awkward saying, "well, I am traveling." Sure, it is appealing to some, but other times I get the feeling that I am looked down upon because of our career-minded culture.

My other fear is that I have never done anything like this before. My life after high school has always been directed in some form or fashion, mostly due to the Navy. Sure their were options along the way, but any choice I made was coupled with the knowledge that the federal government had my back. Not only that, but going into foreign lands alone is a little nerve-racking. Fortunately, I have spent a lot of time preparing for the European adventure and know where I am going for the most part, but I do get butterflies in the pit of my stomach knowing I will be extremely far away from my home and from my kids, family and friends. On top of that, there is a lot of uncertainty with where I will end up. I am placing no expectations for what will come about in this trip, but that is a hard thing for me to do. My whole life, an idea of where I'd be five or ten years down the road has been in my head. There is a lot of "letting go" in doing this.

But you know, I should have let go a long time ago. When I was getting ready to graduate high school, I felt a calling to go into the ministry. Unfortunately, my life was not right and I let doubts guide me instead. I remember feeling incredibly depressed throughout the next year because I abandoned where my heart should have been. Eventually, the Navy convinced me that they would take me far beyond where I had ever imagined if I enlisted, and believe me, it did. I never imagined being a United States Naval Officer, but then again, I didn't even know the difference between officers and enlisted before I joined. I also never imagined my life going so far south, either. My head was square on my shoulders as I took my oath, or so I thought. As the Bible says, though, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." I was filled with pride and had deceived myself and others, and destruction definitely came my way as a result.

But now, I am doing the right thing. This is the first time I have ever been with how I am feeling. I am following my heart and think the Lord is going to reveal to me many things I never knew. For once, I am trying not to concern myself with the future and welcoming the moments as they come. There are going to be struggles along the way and I am preparing for some of the burdens, even the most extreme ones, that I may face. But I am going to trust that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me," and that He will guide me both throughout the journey and after this year. Chris McCandless is someone who inspires me (if you don't know who he is, google him). He unquestionably is more reckless than I will be and did not see a pleasant end as a result, but the guy realized that society judges people based on our worth, our possessions, and our career and abandoned our infected culture and the security that goes with it. I want to have those kind of guts and take with me the promise of Philippians 4:13.

While I want to also encourage everyone to also follow their calling, I especially want to give hope to those who may struggle with mental illness as I did and still sometimes do. This is a trip about self-discovery, but my primary reason for going out on a limb and writing all this is to share past struggles from my perspective that people can relate to and my thoughts and feelings as I go along (don't worry, I'll provide pictures, too). I really want to provide awareness that psychological conditions are more prevalent than we realize and that it is okay. Even more difficult than all the uncertainty I face in this trip is revealing my weaknesses, but we all mask weaknesses and fool ourselves into thinking we are strong as a result. I know that I may be judged by some, but many have provided me with words of encouragement and I am extremely grateful!

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