Rantings - 6/8/2011

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So I know what some might think reading my very first blog on TB ever: "Why would he tell everyone such a personal and potentially embarrasing story?" Some of you think I may want you to feel sorry for me. Others may feel I am just begging for attention. In my world, those motives get you nowhere.

As I stated in a previous blog, last spring a Navy psychiatrist finally diagnosed me with Bipolar I Disorder. There are quite a number of misconceptions about this so-called "impairment" so I want to share more about it. First, BPD is a mood disorder and is far different than a personality disorder. A mood disorder deals with disturbances in someone's mood no matter what kind of person they are. In the case of BPD, the moods cycle over time from an elevated state, called mania (or hypomania for minor cases), and depression. Usually, this happens over a long period of time. The misunderstanding amongst some is that people tend to believe these moods change on an almost daily basis. There is a small special case for that with BPD which is called rapid cycling, but it is usually not the case. One other variance is when symptoms of both mania and depression exist. This is called a mixed episode. It can be a very dangerous predicament for someone to be in. In my ferry story, I was suffering from a mixed episode - depression brought the thoughts of suicide and mania gave me the motivation to actually jump.

In the Navy, BPD has an even stronger stigma than the general public. After all, someone who has to be displaced from the battle for one reason or another just makes them worthless. Getting attention for my oscillating moods was actually the last thing I wanted to do because I was a proud naval officer. When the signs of it were coming about, I felt that my superiors were beginning to look at me much different, from someone with a promising future in the armed services to just another wash-out junior officer. And when I was diagnosed, the same psychiatrist approved me for sea duty. Unfortunately, the ship had other ideas and forced me into a limited duty status. Limited duty ultimately led to processing for medical retirement which I will be doing next month.

At the time, this was the worst thing that could happen because my dreams were being shattered. My moods were all over the place as my separation/divorce was still going through at the same time and I was not able to see my kids very much. So I went into denial and became inconsistent with my medication. I could not be bipolar. How did I get this far if I were?

Not being truthful with myself is what led me to that ferry. The stigma those with BPD face leads to dishonesty, with ourselves and with others. Truth is, when I did hide this fact that I was stricken with this "disease" people were shocked when they did find out. My life has been quite successful up to that point and I was living the "American Dream". I was an all-state athlete in high school, graduated summa cum laude with a degree in physics, was the best physics tutor on campus receiving up to $200-300 per hour for my services, and was considered a stellar leader by the majority of my sailors. So when I disclose that I have BPD, jaws drop.

That's why I want to tell you my story. I want to let people know that it is okay. Those with BPD can take my words and realize that becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure is not required and that treatment can revitalize you. Those who aren't blessed with BPD can work to understand that at least 1 of every 100 Americans has it and that their friends are not some sort of special case. Most importantly, those who speak of suicide may be asking for help, but we need to realize that they are simply declaring that they do not like this life. It is up to friends, family, and myself to show that they can change their life instead of putting it to a permanent end.

That's what I'm doing and why I'm traveling after all. I still have my family, friends who truly care, and my kids who I dearly love because I miraculously swam back. But I'm getting to do what I love and will experience some amazing adventures that those living the "American Dream" only dream about! Instead of taking a leap that will end my life, I'm taking a leap that will change it for the better.

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