Thanksgiving in Southeast Texas

---

Being a Southern Woman is not for Wimps

Preface
Because of time constraints, this reflection will catch you up to date
and fast forward through activities leading to the holiday dinner. I
have years of experience in the preparations of holiday dinners.

Weather is not to be considered. You simply cannot make plans based on
temperature. Mother Nature can be tricky. As a mother, she must have
some lingering hostilities regarding her past holiday family dinner
gatherings.

1 month prior
* Select and purchase Thanksgiving greeting cards for 50 of your dearest
family members, including those living with you, and friends.
* Stand in line to purchase Thanksgiving themed postage stamps.
* Hide stamps from family in household cleaning supplies, knowing they
have no clue where they are kept or what they might be for. Make a
mental note on stamps' location.

2 weeks prior
* Add personalized notes and family signature to each Thanksgiving
greeting card; address each.
* Search for and finally locate hidden Thanksgiving themed stamps.
* Drive to post office to mail cards as you do not trust your mail
carrier.
* Make a list of expected holiday dinner attendees, reflecting that only
upon a dear one's passing does the list every alter.
* Call each person on list to personally invite, giving date (a Thursday
of course) and time (knowing that some will arrive early). Make note of
dishes that others have promised to provide.
* Make out same menu that family has had for Thanksgiving since shortly
after the Mayflower landed. Include those dishes promised by others.

9 days prior
* Clean out refrigerator and freezer. Remind immediate family members
that leftovers will be served three times a day.
* Go grocery shopping; shop at several stores.
* Unload and unpack groceries from vehicle; spouse and children are
nowhere to be found.

8 days prior
* Put a holiday CD in the stereo; you have the house to yourself.
* Boil, cool and debone five whole store bought chickens. Freeze
chicken and broth in separate containers.
* Place dog and cats in back yard after having tripped over them
numerous times.
* Mix, bake, cool and crumble seven pans of cornbread; freeze.
* Boil, cool and chop chicken gizzards; freeze gizzards and gravy in
same container. (For non Southerners: My term of gizzards are the
actual gizzard, heart, liver and neck piece found inside the store
bought chicken, hen or turkey, sometime packaged in a small bag. No, it
is not for the squeamish, nor is shoving your hand in both ends of a dead
bird.

7 days prior
* Retrieve from storage and hand wash holiday dinnerware including
chargers, tureens, ladles, gravy boats, condiment dishes, crystal
stemware, tea glasses, punch bowl set, cake holders, decanters,
candle holders and napkin rings.
* Clean and polish silverware, cake servers, platters, trays and 70 cup
coffee service.
*Place all contents from two largest pantry shelves in corner of garage,
ensuring that none of said contents will be required for the dinner or
any preparations.
* Place cleaned and polished holiday ware on the two empty shelves.
* Go to grocery store for cookie ingredients.
* Feed family and pets the very last of the leftovers.
* Mix, roll and freeze the equivalent of 168 dozen drop cookies. (Non
southerners: Look it up.)

5 days prior
* Volunteer at local shelter to assist in food preparations for their
upcoming holiday dinner. Chop onions for four hours. Leave a generous
donation of money as well.

4 days prior
* Attend church with family; say an extra prayer for endurance and
patience.

3 days prior
* Wash, dry and distribute to appropriate rooms throughout house the
holiday themed bath and hand towels, dish towels, tablecloths and
napkins; the latter two items to be starched and pressed soon.
* Thoroughly sweep, mop, and vacuum entire house.
* Scour, polish and spritz all bathrooms; hide toilet brushes.
* Go to store for new soaps, scented room deodorizers and bath beads.
* Go to farmers' market for shelled pecan halves.
* Set house thermostat at 68 degrees.

2 days prior
* Make sure there is absolutely nothing in refrigerator that is not
holiday dinner related; place turkey from freezer into refrigerator.
* Go to grocery store for white bread, celery, onion and bell pepper.
* Shred three of the four loaves of bread, chop all the celery, onion
and peppers; add to cornbread crumbs in container in freezer; decide
it's not enough white bread; shred fourth loaf; place all in larger
container and return to the freezer.
* Feed bell pepper veins and seeds to dog before realizing that they
were to go to the bird.
* Decorate doors, exterior of house, mail box and outside garbage cans;
place decorated cans curbside for display a day early for trash pickup.
* Receive calls from dinner guests of their anticipation, food
preferences and preparation suggestions; acknowledge that you remember
dear uncle's reactions to onions.
* Pay neighborhood 13 year old to mow yard; you haven't seen your family
in days.
* Go to grocery store for pie ingredients.
* Make separate dish of everything you've made thus far, omitting
onions.
* Find, wash, iron and hang all family members' attire for the dinner.
* Hang up on solicitor from the local shelter asking that you volunteer
your time and / or make a donation to their holiday dinner.
* Set house thermostat at 64 degrees.

1 day prior
* Go to church at 6:30 a.m. knowing that service is not until 7:00; say
a silent, brief prayer, toss a twenty in the direction of the Pastor at
the door as you hurriedly exit.
* Slightly thaw, slice, bake and cool 168 dozen cookies; decide that's
not quite enough; hide cookies from family.
* Go to grocery store; buy brownie mixes for 42 dozen.
* Mix, bake, cool and slice 42 dozen brownies; hide brownies from
family.
* Bathe dog and cats.
* Clean litter box.
* Take trash out to decorated cans; vow to threaten City Hall if trash
is not picked up timely this afternoon.
* Break holiday CD on purpose.
* Hide TV remote.
* Make and cool three pies each of chocolate, lemon, pecan and pumpkin;
make one of mincemeat.
* Starch and press tablecloths and napkins, employing four dining
chairs. (Non southerners: if you have to ask, you wouldn't
understand.)
* Place cans of cranberry sauce, both with and without berries, in
refrigerator to chill.
* Set tables.
* Make four gallons of sweet tea; refrigerate.
* Dust entire house; generously spritz with scented air fragrances; use
your good perfume when you run out of air fragrances.
* File and polish nails after realizing several tips missing. (No one
needs to know.)
* Hang up on doctor's office suggesting an appointment due to recent
elevated blood pressure noticed but you hadn't stayed long enough for
them to tell you. Think you should have asked for the appointment to
ask about the benefits of harmone therapy.
* Drive by the church; wave and silently tell God that you've had better
days.
* Fresh herbs just purchased do not look fresh; place them in ice water.
* Season turkey, inside and out, using cold, wet, fresh herbs; place in
oven to bake for twelve hours.
* Take a BC powder for the back pain you know you'll have after having
picked up the turkey. (Yes, BC powder is a southern wonder drug.)
* Set house thermostat at 60 degrees.
* Boil, cool, peel and devil six dozen eggs; arrange in deviled egg
dishes; cover and stack on cake racks in refrigerator in space turkey
recently vacated; throw egg shells in disposal to sharpen blades rather
than feed to bird.
* Put together cornbread dressing with last three dozen eggs, remaining
wet herbs and bread concoction that you forgot to take out of freezer.
(Yes, 'put together' is a cooking term here in the south.)
* Load and run dishwasher; hand wash other dishes until your hands are
wrinkled and there is no more counter space; save next for next load.
* Relocate litter box and animals' food and water dishes to far corner
of back yard.
* Move furniture in three rooms to arrange for overflow of eating and
sitting areas; arrange tables for sideboards.

Midnight and now Thanksgiving Day
* Wash, clean and stuff seven stalks of celery; arrange on platters with
assorted pickles and olives; cover and refrigerate, flattening deviled
eggs that will be have to have an extra sprinkling of paprika.
* Unload and reload dishwasher, putting away the clean ones.
* Retrieve garbage cans from curb, thankful that trash pickup was
timely; hide them.
* Gather seven bags of trash from kitchen and deposit in garbage cans.
* Set house thermostat at 56 degrees.
* Uncan all cranberry sauces into glass condiment trays; cover and cram
them into refrigerator; notice that the refrigerator's light has gone
out.
* Take five packages of Heat and Serve rolls out of freezer and place on
counter to thaw.
* Arrange cookies, brownies and pies on various tables and sideboards.
* Wash, pare, dice and boil twelve pounds of white potatoes; cool; mix
for potato salad without the onion, celery and boiled eggs that you no
longer have; search in garage for new jar of mayonnaise.
* Flatten top of turkey with second oven rack to accommodate pans of
dressing; turn oven temperature down slightly.
* Arrange platters of stuffed celery, etc., on various tables; notice
that temperature house is much more comfortable than in kitchen.
* Unload and reload dishwasher; put away clean dishes.
* Remember that you're out of white bread; pay neighborhood 13 year old
to bicycle to corner store for a $7.00 loaf; be thankful that
you are not out of sweet butter.
* Wrestle dog into holiday costume and cats into bows on collars; be
thankful for only loss of one pint of blood.
* Finally take a shower rather than a sponge bath; your Grand Aunt
sticks her head in the bathroom door to announce they have arrived and
can she be of assistance since it appears you are just getting started
this morning........ Bless her heart.
* The bathroom door opens a second time so that your mother can announce
that she and Dad have arrived and there's a crowd gathering in your
driveway.... Bless their hearts.
* You will talk to the doctor about harmone therapy and handgun permits.
* Hurriedly dress, wrinkling your carefully prepared outfit; smile
though as you step into your new cute shoes.
* Dad smiles a knowing smile at you. Bless his heart.
* Start first 35 cups of coffee in industrial server.
* Set out sugar, assorted sweeteners and creamer packets and creamer of
sweet milk nestled in ice.
* Guests begin to arrive in earnest, some even with the promised dishes,
although not yet baked.
* Your spouse and children materialize, cleaned and dressed in the
proper attire.
* Nineteen women are in your kitchen half-heartedly asking if they can
help while trading gossip and rumors with and about each other.
* You wrestle the turkey out of the oven onto the counter, elbowing six
blue hairs in the process.
* You place your green bean casserole and three of the relatives' dishes
in the oven; displace one dish in order to place sliced, precooked ham to
warm.
* Unload and reload dishwasher; hide clean dishes in clothes washer.
* Kick dog and cats to the back yard.
* Set house thermostat at 52 degrees.
* Exchange pans of dressing in oven with rolls.
* You throw your belt in the charity donation box by the garage door and
your wedding rings in the refrigerator's butter compartment.
* Your Baptist Deacon uncle gives the blessing and you're worried the
rolls will burn before he finishes.
* The dinner begins and you're embarrassed by your spouse and children's
table manners. It's as if they haven't eatened in a week!
* Someone has let the dog in and fed him scraps of food off your carpet;
the dog throws up; you throw the dog out the back door and hurry to
clean your carpet.
* Someone's 3 year old throws up on your carpet; you look at the child
then the back door and decide.....no......; you hurry to clean your
carpet.
* You will call your doctor come Monday.
* A football game is blaring from the living room TV; apparently the dog
dug up the remote you'd buried; you vow to take the dog to the vet's on
Monday -- as punishment.
* NOW you remember to get the cranberry sauce from the refrigerator.
* Dear uncle has eaten something with onions and is camped in the
bathroom.
* Several of the elderly now have a blue tint to their lips; a sign of
advance age you deduct, but it does coordinate nicely with their hair.
* All the women are in your kitchen now using your dishes to take food
home for later; they will pick up their dishes (dirty at the moment)
another time they announce.

Suddenly everyone is gone. You sit, too tired to eat. You kick off
those torture shoes. You see a movement in the kitchen. It's the
neighborhood 13 year old! You realize he's been here the whole time and
you thought he was kin.

You also remember a steady stream of your children's friends dropping
in to eat and your spouse's coworkers making plates to take to work with
them.

You don't care.

You pad to the kitchen in your stocking feet (the kid's gone now). You
knock a cat off the counter, throw those horrid shoes in the charity
donation box and fix a good, stiff Southern bourbon. You pad back to
the living room to enjoy and relax.

Sometime before 3:00 a.m. you put away the food, load and reload the
dishwasher, set the empty pans to soak, let the animals inside, praising
them for being so good around company. You retrieve the litter box and
bowls from the back yard.

You finally crawl into bed fully clothed. Your spouse is sleeping
peacefully. He must be exhausted. Bless his heart.

Tomorrow you will retrieve your wedding rings from the refrigerator
butter compartment.

You hope spouse will not be too upset about the next month's electric
bill or the dinnerware you'll have to replace that left tonight. You'll
have to have it for Christmas after all.

You sit straight up in bed! Goodness, Christmas is in only a month!

---