Time Well Spent

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What constitutes as wasted time? Is it time spent doing something that you will feel guilty about later?

I fell asleep today, for 2 hours. What was supposed to be a "resting of the eyes" turned into a full fledged slumber, complete with confusion upon waking. It was after work, after a bit of reading, after yoga class, and after a shower that I fell asleep, accidentally. In retrospect, it wasn't like I was missing out on responsibilities, I had completed a full days list of to-do's. But when I awoke, I was confused, and borderline upset with myself. I was able to reorient myself with where I was in the day, which had slipped undetected into late evening, but I haven't been able to shake the nagging feeling of wasted time. Was it because I wasn't planning on this nap? Is it because for about 2 hours I was at the mercy of my R.E.M. cycle instead of in control of my plan?

I must rationalize and say that maybe I needed those extra 2 hours of late evening Z's and I didn't realize it, but my body did. My body took over my check list mind and decided to put it to rest, no questions asked. Maybe that is how I should look at it, be thankful for the uninterrupted sleep, case closed.

Then why, really, if I can come to the above conclusion, is there that other part of me saying things like, "Do you know what you could have accomplished in those 2 hours!? When's the last time you visited your grandparents? Had a chat with your mom? Cleaned your room? Searched for Master's programs?" The ideas go on and on...

Now, to balance it out, I will stay up later. I will stay up later to finish some miscellaneous items, to redeem myself, before I can go back to sleep for the night.

It sounds, in a way, like I am punishing myself for something that I didn't have much control over anyway. I could have played it safe and set an alarm to wake myself up, in case something like this were to happen, or I could have just not even laid down in the first place, because let's be honest here, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. Not the first time, not the 20th time, and definitely not the last time.

Ah ha! There it is, the admittance. There was always a part of me that knew it was a possibility, to fall asleep longer than I intended, to not visit gram and gramps, to sluff off all other likelihoods of doing anything; but sleeping.

The feeling of guilt, then, is a cover up. A cover up for having done something that I inherently wanted to do. And why shouldn't I take a 2 hour nap if I want? Well, because if I did that, if I took a nap, then there are all the other things that I SHOULD be doing, but that maybe I just don't want to do, right then. I am not saying that I should only do what I want at all times with no regard for others, no, I don't think that is any way to live (I think doing what you want is a good way to live, but I also think that you must have regard for others in the doing of what you want. Like doing what you want, responsibly, with the least amount of hurt to others, if you can help it). But I am saying that I may want to reevaluate my feelings that are attached to what I want to do, and what I feel like I should do.

I've answered my own question. What constitutes wasted time? Time is wasted when you do something because you think you should rather than because you want to. Of course there are somethings that you do, out of "shouldness" that turn out to be enriching, but then maybe there was always a bit of "wantness" in that "shouldness". (Making up words now...) And guilt, well guilt is just a cover. Guilt is what you feel when you are too cowardly to admit the truth.

Ah hem (throat clearing): Today, I took a nap. A 2 hour long nap. I didn't necessarily intend on said nap, but it happened, and it was glorious, and I'd do it again. And I'm sure I will sooner than I think.

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Comments

[Daren]

sleep is as productive as studying quantum mechanics
Mary Kate! i have so much to say about this blog, that i'm totally confused. first i'll tell you that this is my favorite entry yet, for real. Ok, i don't think there is such a thing as a waste of time (the concept of time, much like the concept of waste are both delusions, but your definition is very nice). Next, for the sake of conversation, lets buy into this whole silly humanistic trip of time spent 'better' or 'worse': if such a notion does exist, then sleep is perhaps one of the most productive ways to spend it. I've always lived by the creed "sleep is as productive as studying quantum mechanics" (although our mutual friend mat small interpreted it as saying that studying quantum mechanics is useless, i intended the statement to mean that studying the subject matter is vital for human progress and sleep was up to par with its importance). Further, the really cool thing about mid-day naps, is that it catches the brain off guard, b/c its not expecting it, so our brain is very active even when its sleeping, and we're REMing it much better, i.e. more vivid and memorable dreams, right? its never bad to REM, the subconscious is much wiser than the conscious. I'm sure there is a nice happy middle ground between getting all the sleep you want and getting your goals accomplished. Anyway, all the best, Daren