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Published: September 3rd 2006
Do you know how sexy I find you, just from you opening your mouth?
Not my words, the words of a very very drunk female New Yorker who about 5mis before saying this was falling off her stall and insanely cheering for Agassi on the T.V. This is mine and Liam’s first night on the tiles in New York
The name of the bar is PJ Clarks and the location, upper eastside Manhattan. Picture the scene: Myself and fellow traveler/met Liam are sat at the bar. Its our 1st night out and we’re confused about tipping. Surrounding us are loud over the top Americans fresh from a hard days grind on Wall Street. It’s a bit weird, the women are drinking beer, and the men (decked out with white collar and cuffs) are sipping drinks like Bourbon and coke. Me and Liam, having enjoyed a $15 half pint (a so called large!!) of Stella have moved onto the carb safe Coors Light (we’re so ashamed!). The place itself is nice I s’pose, open brick work, chalk board drink menu’s, bar staff kitted out in white shirts and black tie’s. Its got an Irish feel to it, kind of like Finns with a touch of class!
So me and Liam are sat at the bar putting the world to rights while around us sensible business men and women are cutting loose and basically getting shitfaced. The juke box is blazing out a bit of Mac the Knife (one of Jim’s faves) and the T.V is showing the tennis. I wasn’t really up for a night out cos of jet lag and still feeling a bit home sick, but the drinks perked me up and we were having a laugh. This is where it all starts going wrong, I say wrong, wrong in a funny way. This woman asks me if im supporting Agassi so I explain im not really a tennis fan, the crazy drunk immediately picks up on the accent and WILL NOT leave me alone. Im not exaggerating, and Liam will back me up on this, the girl was absolutely al-a-bam-ed. She was slurring her speech and I swear at one point she stuck her two fingers down her throat to try and coax out a burp! Hmm sexy! She explained (about 6 times) that she was a devout Catholic republican from Boston, she even had the sass to claim she was the smartest girl I’d ever meet ( PER-lease I know a loada smart uns). Ha, she also told me she was a 35 yr old divorcee, however the massive emerald, frankly crap, nugget on her wedding finger told me otherwise! All of the time she was telling me these “interesting” facts about herself she was gently caressing my back and trying to hold my hand. Poor ol Liam was left to watch the T.V, although im sure he enjoyed the spectacle unfolding before him! I knew things were getting out of hand when she commanded me to tell her she was pretty, she wasn’t so I lied. Oh ho ho how could I forget the lovely 10 min description of her beloved dog who she said she’d give a kidney!! Why? I don’t bloody know, I was starting to get pissed right off! She then asked for a kiss so I made a swift dive for the toilet! To cut a long story short, I managed to avoid that kiss but when I returned from the bog she finished her phone call (probably from hubby!) and planted one on me! She tasted like a drip tray and I almost had to vom!
Here’s the thing that bothers me, about 5mins after she does one (to meet whoever she was on the phone to) a guy walks over, orders a drink and stands near us. I thought I was being paranoid because he kept looking at us. He must have been 50 ish and looked like he walked straight off the set of the ‘Sopranos’, he had slick hair and a proper shiny suit! In the end I dismissed it, had a few more drink and we left. However, surprise surprise, when we get outside who do I see making smoochy smooch, none other than ‘slicky haired shiny suit soprano’ and ‘devout Catholic republican shitfaced woman’!
So basically there is probably going to be some Sicilian hit man tracking me across the states all cos some drunk girl couldn’t get enough of the Cornish accent!
The Bar itself was good and we had a quality time, bit pricey but we are in Manhattan! Think we’re gonna go out in the meat packing district soon (no gay jokes please!). Hope we avoid drunks like that (never did get her name…. shame) funny night though! Ill keep e posted.
P.S - I know exactly what Fleety would have done in my shoes but im a nice lad with standards!!!!!
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steve
non-member comment
virgin is a liar.....
Hummmmmmm.....did u make a quick exit....or are you now married you little snake. listen, you may be having a great time travelling the world but its all kicking off at new year over here. my sister is away, 89 plate is away, my mum and dad are away but thankfully my great auntie nancy has invited me to the fireworks display at pendennis castle. should be pumping. on a serious note, where are you going to be on the last week in jan first week in feb cos im coming aboard. i hope its australia cos i have loads of page 3 model friends that keep writing to me (well truth is i have an uncle there) but if its not im happy to go wherever.....get back to me. i obviously understand it all depends if you can get your marriage to the catholic girl form the first night annulled!! ask her if she knows jimmy crouse or has ever been to portsmouth. live the dream boys!!