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Published: June 26th 2008
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Twenty-one
A special thanks to my sister for this one :P I guess it shows I was a girl when I was little? I’ve been doing some reflecting.
This time on the day I returned from Japan. Today marks exactly one month since I left my home there in Osaka. The memories that I have in photos, in dreams, in conversations with people I met there are still very close to my heart, and I think about them a lot. Perhaps today’s thoughts were stirred by talking with Nozomi, and posting back and forth the way we used to say “kawaii!” “kawaikunai!” at one another before lapsing into peels of laughter. Perhaps it they were brought up by talking to Felix about how people used to look versus now, and how I’m trying to figure out what this girl inside of me is supposed to be. Maybe it was the skype chat, and pretty much reliving all our Toriki and CIE experiences. Who really knows why they are fresh on my mind.
But I love those memories. And thinking that I am back in the United States now reflecting on them all is more than a bit painful. I really wish returning to Japan now was a plausible reality. I honestly hated to come back to America, because this place really has
First week in Japan
..And I looked like a boy! I'm actually quite embarassed by it never felt quite like a home. Home is where your heart is.. and mine hasn't been with people in America for sometime. I began the morning with leaving Vincent behind at Seminar House II to go with David to the airport; leaving everyone was harder than I could have ever imagined. I figure if I hadn’t been so exhausted from the night out before I very well would have cried all the way there. I certainly couldn’t stop when it was time to tell he and Jenny goodbye at the security gate.. I think it might have been even harder if I had departed second, though. There is one thing that I do hate doing, and it’s letting people see me cry: I don’t know why, but I just feel so damn guilty, like I’m burdening them with something they don’t need. And they of all people didn’t deserve to see that. But I didn’t really want to think about anything once I got on the plane, and even less did I want to hear the cabin crew announcing that we were leaving, what height in the air we were, and how far we were from Detroit. So I took
Second
This is a hairstyle! I wore it religiously before I went to Japan, haha. It's basically me being lazy, and not really giving a damn about appearance personified some prescription sleep aid and knocked myself out cold. That was mistake number one.
Mistake number two was thinking that things would have changed while I was gone: my family and friends, and our relationships to one another. What I found that changed was myself in reality. I had, in the process of those past five months, had become a completely different person. I have lived away from my family emotionally for many years, and placing that physical distance between us made things concrete. When I finally arrived back in Raleigh I had the oddest reaction to seeing my family. I was coming down the escalator and could clearly see my sister, my step-mother, and my father all standing there with smiles on their faces; that made me smile as well, because I did miss them dearly. But the moment I saw my mother the only reaction I knew to do was to cry. It was then that the fact I was back in America, that Japan was over, and the six month waiting period was finally real.
The details as to my relationship with my mom are a bit rocky. But I really feel like I’ve never
Third, I
Osaka-jo Hanami, first week of April gotten to know her, and she hasn’t gotten to know me. I think the reaction I had was due to a circumstance that happened on my last physical day in Japan before we all went out to Toriki for the party. And it’s absolutely stupid that it even happened; it was entirely my fault for mentioning the party, going out all night, and that I was leaving my things with Fred and might sleep at Sem II. But I still realistically feel like there was no need, no reason, and no grounds for her response to me. Ask if me if you want to know; I know for certain that is not a topic for a travel blog. I’m living with her now as a last stitch effort to get to know her before really moving entirely away.. Because honestly, I don’t know how much more energy I can pour into this. I love her; I really do love her. She’s my mother, for crying outloud. But some of our conversations we had while I was in Japan.. There was just no reason for them to have ever happened.
Another piece of reflection: Why in the hell have I
Third, II
Once the color had faded a bit, and when I had my re-cut into the style I'll keep until I shape it up in December been changing my hair so much lately? It’s literally been six different colors since the middle of May. I wonder if it isn’t my attempt to try and figure out who I really am. This process of becoming a girl, like I mentioned in my last entry, is extremely odd and awkward for me. I’ve really never consciously thought about the image I project or the character people perceive me as.. And now I’m just wondering: What does this girl really look like? I know who I am. But maybe changing my hair color is an extension of who I am, what I like to do, and trying to find a creative outlet to let that personality shine when I’m being constricted to business suits for clothes and the internet to keep up with my Kansai Gaidai friends and family. I dyed it again today; put a red wash over the darker brown color I made it last week, hoping that it would make it at least a darker color. It looks.. all right. I really just want to bleach it to white, though. =/ Hate not having money. But the pictures.. kinda at least show how I've changed from
Fourth
Want white hair >_< January to now.
Sunday is outing with Aurora and Quill, next week is North Carolina for wedding planning and American holiday. Updates for both, certainly. I think today is a done deal, however. Started up a blog where I'm going to keep recipes I've been trying as well.. Anyone care to take a look at it? For the immediate future, though, it'll be practicing Swedish while making sure I don't forget my Japanese. And not to mention, this song (
After Dark - Asian Kung-fu Generation) has been stuck in my head a lot lately. One of my favorite karaoke songs.. Makes me natsukashii as hell.
Jag älskar dig, Aishiteru, Love y'all real good <3 Thanks for continuing to support me in everything.
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Vincent
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I color and change my hair all the time too. Never quite satisfied with it >_<