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Published: January 15th 2006
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The beautiful Napali Coast
Your typical Hawaiian money shot This update is dedicated to Hannah Gatland. Hanzy, thanks for showing me how cool a blog can really be (errr you suck!!).
I'm worried for newspaper columnists of the future. Worried, when, if they ever have to comment on the reason for Australia's remarkably close relationship with the US they will get the answer wrong. Some will say that it's because of the 'Free/Fair Trade Agreement' that came into force last year. Others may argue that it's due to a long legacy of military cooperation deriving from the ANZUS Alliance. The third (and slightly more accurate) columnist may comment that it's due to both nations' love for reality television programs involving morbidly obese folk being tortured until they lose weight. Alas, they'd all be wrong. I can now proclaim that years into the future the real reason for our close relationship is the wedding of Santiago and Andee in Kauai in December 2005.
Nobody ever warned me that in Hawaii they actually buy into the whole Hawaiian Island culture. So everywhere you go it's Hawaiian shirts, leis and ukulele solos - and we thought we were being so ironic wearing our leis and whatnot on our flight to Honolulu.
Kauai babes
In a few moments we're about to see a fat man being winched onto a boat. So good!! Hawaii, and in particular the island of Kauai, is everything you'd expect and more. Beautiful weather, amazing beaches and more Hawaiian reggae than you can poke a freshly shucked coconut at. The island was the location for Jurassic Park and Lord of the Flies so if you are uninterested in a more accurate picture of our time on the island then check these films out.
We rented out 'condos' by the beach and after settling in and meeting the other wedding guests we quickly named our unit 'Alpha Pine Gamma' in tribute to all of the American sorority girls Santi had forsaken to marry Andee.
As part of the pre-wedding madness we spent our first morning in Kauai taking surfing lessons. The surfing instructors were more than bemused to find a group of 15 or so Australians amongst which almost none of who had ever stood on a surfboard. Needless to say my amazing coordination and years of surfing the shore break at Pippi Beach in Yamba paid off and by the end of the trip I was being towed out to the big sets by jet ski. Kobi Aberton look out as there is a new
Fat man being winched on a boat
Too fat to get off the boat, they simply pulled it in while he sat in it!! BOOM BATTY Bra Boy on the scene. All good things must come to an abrupt halt and so someone had to go and ask the surfing instructors for drugs and basically label the entire group as undercover drug squad members for the rest of the trip. He shall remain nameless but lets just say he was AMERICAN!!
The lead up to the wedding was a good time for the Australians to get to know the Americans and vice-versa. We taught a few how to play cricket and the rest of the time we drank, swam and explored the tropical delights of Hawaii (if you are ever looking for a (rare) good meal in Kauai there's a great Subway in the Big Save supermarket. The staff wont understand a word you say but if you just loudly say 'YES' to every question they ask you will come out with a sandwich the size of a house!)
The pre-wedding festivities were a lot of fun and I have never seen a bride and groom so calm as Santi and Andee before the big day (except maybe Jaimie and Jo who were in the spa drinking beer 15 minutes before they said I
Kauai couple
Before the I do's. Man there is so much aloha between these two!! do -legends!). At the rehearsal wedding we met 'Pastor Dude'. I don't remember what his real name was but when a pastor walks up to you in a lei and bare feet and says 'Aloha' you know his last name is something like that.
After the rehearsal wedding we went to a really nice restaurant to have dinner. It was there that I realised in America there are two unmentionable 'C' words. I know you can all guess the first, but man oh man did I misjudge my audience when I started my after dinner speech with 'As the only communist at the table...'
It all seemed so IN CONTEXT at the time. Now I’m afraid that the CIA are raiding the island of Kauai as we speak looking for some tall, skinny guy in glasses who looks remarkably like Lenin.
But not to be outdone, it was Santiago's little sister that turned out to be the REAL show stopper. The wedding went off without a hitch. The ceremony was short and engaging (did you know there are three meanings for 'Aloha'? Hello, goodbye and love.) the bridal car was pimped out with shaving cream and cans (good
Resplendent in cream
Is that a bridesmaid I see fainting over there? job Amy and Ross) and the bridal party looked HOT in their respective get ups. However, once we got out of the church it was poor Lucia who got everyone's attention. While posing for a photo she fainted due to the heat and a lack of food. Although that was scary enough she then collapsed onto the ground head first. The thump was so hard and loud I think it's still shock waves along the pacific Ocean. Skull on concrete does not sound great at the best of times - in the middle of a wedding it wasn't great at all. Luckily Dr Tania and Dr Reddy were there to save the day and she escaped with minor bruising. One callous best man was heard to be spreading the rumor that the whole situation may have arisen from a few too many drinks before the 'I do's' but this theory was quickly discredited as Patrick being mean spirited. Although I will point out what was worse was when Ah toy asked if 'anyone got a good photo?'
The reception was held in an amazing location - at a golf course with views over several extinct volcanoes. Wow - pretty
Bond, Patrick Bond
Stand back and let me save you all from these crazed Hawaiians!! amazing. The party that followed will go down in legend as one of the best ever. We all had such agreat time it's hard to put it into words.
Highlights included:
- Santi and Andee's Uruguayan tango as their first dance;
- the thumpin' tunes played by the DJ;
- Cookie busting a move with Andee's grandmother;
- Dom breaking her toe on the dance floor when she kicked a medicine ball (OK, more of a low light and it's too hard to explain why there was a medicine ball on the dance floor in the first place);
- Reed's vast expanses of emptiness;
- the crazy ride home with Ana and Bill when we were trying to get the witch's hat off the back of the car (you two are such great fun!); and
- the late night swim where Ah Toy gorged himself on disgusting American cheese salsa (just imagine how gross this stuff is - it defies description!).
The rest of the week flew past in a haze of beach visits and Mai Tais. Hawaii is truly a spectacular destination. The temperature of the ocean in winter is warmer than Sydney in summer. As
Bridal Party
Mahalo everyone! an aside, someone needs to have let the Australian Macadamia industry heavyweights know that Hawaii is leaching all of the nut's cred. It's marketed all over the island state and the rest of the US as the 'Hawaiian nut'. Last time I checked it was an Australian nut but try telling any American that now. they seem to believe anything that is printed on the side of a confectionery wrapper.
New Years was a relatively subdued affair as we were all nursing hangovers from the previous night's wedding. we spent most of the night dodging crazed Americans who had bought boxes of cheap fireworks at Walmart and then proceeded to throw them at any person in a 50 metre radius.
Apart from Hayley's bizarre requests for toilet breaks in the most remote locations (see photos) my other favourite memory was scamming Simon Palagyi during a drunken match of UNO. As Simon is a stickler for rules we thought it would be fun to implement new UNO rules that didn't suit Simon (who was winning most of the match). Hence the Abridged International Kaua'i Competition UNO Rules evolved. These rules allowed all players to play Walmart loyalty cards to
Where is the damn toilet?
Hayley off to spend a penny in the middle of nowhere. force any player whose first name began with 'S' and whose second name was 'Palagyi' to pick up between 5 and 20 cards. Needless to say Simon's new years resolution (to take himself more seriously) was quickly put into practice.
So the wedding was an unbridled success and the highlight of our time in Kauai. However, the other really pleasing discovery was Kauai itself. What a great spot. I loved my week of meeting, analysing and perplexing the Americans and doing strip shows for Amy - she's a lucky girl!!
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Ah Toy
non-member comment
Nice work. I love being slandered through a schlog. Looking forward to some of your USA pics.