Universally Wasted

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In my drunken state after the stand up, I stupidly agreed to go to Universal Studios the next day, clearly forgetting how crap the one in Florida was. Sadly California version was just as lame, and a waste of $60 if ever there was one, the only highlight of the day being when Elroy from the Blues Brothers told me off for not dancing.

After that excitement, I went home and went to bed at 8 pm. In my defence however, I wanted to be up early to find somewhere showing the football the next day.

So I awoke at 11 and took a walk to the only English pub in Hollywood, ordered my fry up and awaited the Spurs v. Arsenal game I'd been looking forward to all week. Except when midday came around they were still showing Parma v. AC Milan. Because the game was on Setanta and not Fox Soccer annoyingly.

The barmaid kindly advised me of another place that might be showing it, so I headed there only to find it was closed. Another English guy arrived at the same time as me, and was also clearly annoyed by this. He introduced himself as Nic, a fellow Spurs fan, and suggested we go for a beer anyway in Big Wangs, a classy version of Hooters, where we bonded over Spurs and Anglo-American cultural differences.

8 beers later, my new best mate invited me to stay with him in LA as long as I wanted. I obviously agreed to this stupid suggestion so we staggered back to his place where as soon as we got in he lit the biggest spliff in the world. Politely declining his offer of a drag, but getting high on the lethal fumes anyway, I watched Nic get slowly more stoned and with every new question he asked me, there came an intensity in the way he looked at me, which frankly I found scary. Like he was looking into the depths of my soul whilst asking me if I liked Mexican food.

At this point I decided I'd had enough. Nic could barely speak, and his militant lesbian flatmate was due home any minute, probably not too amused at finding a new lodger staying with her for an indefinite length of time.

As a result, I saw nothing of LA whatsoever. But you know what they say - a weekend wasted is never a wasted weekend.

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