Reflections: “Has anyone seen my brain??”

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I have often thought that once you get to a certain point in your life, one ought to be able to look back and trace the steps that led them to the place where they are now? Well I’ve been doing this and have come to the conclusion that I must have lost my brain somewhere through the last 5 years! Seriously! When I go through the events dating back 5 years ago to now I am shocked at how stupid and juvenile some of the decisions I have made have been. Another thing I have been thinking about lately is the “legacy” or the “life map”, as I like to refer to it, that I have been leaving behind. Think about something for a moment. If your life were to end right now what kind of map would you leave behind to show others where you’ve been? Do you HAVE any accomplishments? Am I proud of where I am now? Where I’ve been? Where I’m going?

A little about me
This is probably as good a point as any to give you some insight about who I am and possibly why I am here. I have been blessed to have been brought up in a Godly family with an incredible Christian heritage beginning with my grandparents. As kids we moved around a lot then finally settled in Tennessee for my junior high and high school years. Once I graduated I decided to go to college down in Florida. Attending a Christian Bible college aptly named Florida Bible College, or FBC, as it is affectionately known. I wasn’t sure at first where I wanted to go but knew that I had to go to this college for at least one year! You see, both my sister and I discovered that in my parents Will was a clause that stated we had to go a minimum one year to this particular school. So, being the incredibly awesome and obedient child that I was and facing the unbelievable sacrifice that only going to school in Florida would be, I packed my bags and off I went. I was going on a music scholarship that would take care of about 75% of my tuition. I found that I was gifted in music at an early age and has been a driving force in my life ever since. College was great! You see, back in high school I was a nothing, but in college I had a fresh start, a new beginning. A place where nobody knew who I was…or wasn’t. Yes there is more to this story and no I am not going into detail here. Let’s just say that I entered college 180 degrees differently than when I left high school just weeks prior. I came for the wrong reasons to say the least. I was there because of the scholarship and the fact that I “had to” IF I wanted to partake in the family Will. I know that is sad but very true. As I mentioned before, if I could do it all over again…uggh! I don’t even think I made it through my first semester? I was failing almost every course. Summer came and a group of guys that had decided to stay rented out a condo just down the road from the college. It was great! I got a job as a bellman.
A change is a brewin
The Hyatt Orlando, by far the funnest job I have ever had to date…and the one that started the change inside me. I had never given too much thought to the concept that you become like the ones you hang around, guilty by association. I started hanging around the wrong crowd. I was no longer in my safe haven of college where I was surrounded by people who thought like me, acted like me, and most of all talked like me. This was to be my first experience putting my faith into practice, in the real world. I was more like a chameleon than an influence. I became just like them. I decided school wasn’t for me. I met a girl that I spent all my spare time with and eventually moved in together. I did this for 2 years when I finally had decided enough was enough. The guilt inside of me was so intense I could not ignore it any longer! I can remember it was Thanksgiving and I was talking with my family! My cousin was coincidentally going through the exact same thing as me and had decided that enough was enough too! We were going to do this together! I moved to Georgia where most of my family was and moved in with my cousin. After some time of healing I decided to go back to school, this time for the right reasons! I wanted to go into the ministry and give back to others through my experiences. I set out and away I went. I arrived on campus and I felt like for the first time I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do. My sophomore year I met someone that would eventually become my wife. We dated for about a year and a half and I asked her to marry me. We both had the same mindset, the same goals and dreams and aspirations for our future. We interviewed for several opportunities with churches all over. We narrowed down to 3 churches. It was so exciting! Of course you know by this point that there is a “but” in here somewhere right? BUT, little did I know that there was a serious problem brewing under the surface and I never saw it coming. Through a series of events too long to get into, she had come to the realization that she had made a mistake with me. She was too young and made a hasty decision to get married at this stage in her life. Ok, so normally this is a fairly “no big deal” right? Not in this case. If you’ve been keeping up, I had my whole life coming together to this point! I had a new wife, about to graduate college with a degree, job opportunities lined up. This was the very last thing I needed to complete this dream (of mine) come true. I could place blame but God had other plans. I did end up graduating from college with my degree, but I had to via correspondence. I couldn’t bear being at that place any longer. The memories were too much to bear. I talked it over with my professors and decided to graduate off campus. I moved back to Georgia to be closer to family. That was one of the single hardest things I have ever had to do. I wasn’t going to let this beat me! Life goes on.

Second times the charm
After I graduated I knew there was no chance on earth I was landing a job in the church, not with the stigma of a divorce tied to my resume not to mention I was now single. I have a passion for the outdoors, always have! I landed a job at a nursery (selling plants, not changing diapers) and realized that I had a real interest in this. I worked for this nursery for 4 years working my way into management. I loved it. The only problem was that with this type of job my weekends were almost always tied up which included Sundays. I didn’t like that very much as it prohibited me from being able to attend church. I had worked my way in seniority so I asked if I could come in later on Sundays so at least I could go to the morning services. They agreed and off I went to search for a church to attend. I landed at the First Baptist Church of Snellville. This was a rather large church with over 5,000 members. I was so excited to be attending again and I was soaking everything up like a sponge. I became active in the singles ministry. What was unique about this ministry was that it also included others that had been divorced or had found themselves single through some other tragedy of life. Up to this point I hadn’t even considered dating. Almost 4 years of nothing to do with the opposite sex. I was hurt and mad and confused all at the same time! I wanted no part of this dating idea. Well like I said, I became involved with the singles ministry and began teaching and leading the Bible studies they would have during the week. I was in hog heaven. The entire group did things together all the time. We would have group date night where we just did things as a group instead of worrying about whether we had a date that night or not? That’s where I met her. She was always there and we always seemed to sit next to each other. Funny how that happens isn’t it? She was a little different than everyone else but there was just something about her. I remember it was one night after a skating event. It was raining and we had had enough of skating so we decided to take off our skates and go outside to talk. We learned so much about each other that night. We could talk for hours. There was a lot we had in common. We were both children of divorce, our fathers had quickly remarried and or mothers remained single. It was like I was talking to myself. It was very familiar and safe! We had decided to date. I remember being pulled aside on two different occasions once by a girl friend and the other by a guy friend. They both advised and warned me that she was not like me. She didn’t have the same mindset that I did and she was only going to bring me down! I didn’t listen to either of them. I figured that they were just jealous and didn’t want to break up our happy “group” that did everything together. We dated for about 6 months when I popped the question. I asked her to marry me and to my amazement she said yes! By the time we were married we had been dating for almost exactly a year. We were such good friends and did everything together. We laughed about everything and just had a great time together. Almost like we should just remain friends (hint, hint). I had no idea until we had gotten married that that’s all we had was a really good friendship. There was no passion, no romance, no…well you know! The wedding night was less than lackluster and the honeymoon was not any better. Not a good way to start off a marriage. We stayed together for 8 years all along wishing we weren’t married but stuck nonetheless. Throughout our marriage we would have these serious heart felt talks about “us” and where we were going? Several times we decided that it was better to end it while we were both young enough to find someone else but never did. Both of us were just too plain chicken to do anything about it. I’m not exactly sure of the events that took place prior to my decision to finally leave but I did. I do remember hearing a song on the radio, a country song by an artist named Tim McGraw. He had a new album out inspired in tribute to his father Tug who had just died of cancer. The song that I remember so vividly was called “Live Like You Were Dying.” It hit me like a ton of bricks! I needed to stop doing the same ole same ole and start living like I had a purpose. Shake things up and do what I want to do like these were my last days. So that’s what I did. I informed her that I was leaving and that I wanted a divorce. The decision to leave my wife and ask for a divorce was a moment in time I will never forget. I felt as if a load had been lifted off my back, like I had a second chance (or a third) to make something good of my life. It is from this point to now where I’m trying to figure out where my brain went to? My decision making has not been one to keep as a reference for the future dealings of my life! This is where I’m hoping my “wilderness” experience will reveal my next plan, or rather God’s plan!

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Comments

[Kathy]

Good blog Ken. I encourage you to do the VERY hard discipline of being alone with the Lord as you ask Him to unpeel the onion. The enemy will do everything he can to distract you from an intimate relationship with Him. Love you and praying for you Moose Man!

[anonymous]

ken, i really hope your trip brings u the clarity you are searching for