Salty tears

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I am feeling sad by the ocean - its saltiness that licks my legs as I walk seems to fill me with salt for the tears that well out of my eyes all too frequently - tears of aloneness and despair - I wish to see the water not through a liquidy gaze, but clearly in its beauty. - want to feel its power and joy - dissolve in it for a little,but then pain returns, of memories of being unwanted and leftout. tell myself it is ok, if that is the way it is, then it is,pretend again that i dont need anyone - but hurting so much at being an outcast and a failure and so totally alone. There is no traffic here and in the quietness I can hear my pain all too loudly When have quiet the hurts that eat at me arise - the feeling of isolation, pain of being thrown out, of once again being told or bribed to go away. Of not belonging anywhere, of not wanting to be in Mexico (and haven't really wanted to be for about a month) but having nowhere to go, nowhere that I am not trouble or a problem, nowhere that i am not regarded cautiously, tired of the elusive search for belonging. So instead I spend money that is not mine moving and running and trying to calm the tears and that which aches - but hey, what is new. Yes, I am a fuckup and a failure, a drifter upon the land, one of those people. I don't even know why I write this - for no one really ever wants to share with me.

I know that I should write about this place - the heat of the day, the beautiful sunsets where the ball of orange decends into the ocean, the pelicans at the municipal beach in the morning when the small fishing boats all come in and unload their catch, about a big fish being gutted, about the Mexican at the municipal beach closest to town - many swimming with clothes on right by the boats - a contrast to the gringa scene with women walking down playa zintaca in their bikinis, the surfers and hanggliders at sunset, the amount of english being spoken here compared to where I was, about how I haven't had a tortilla in several days (a change), how it is unfortunate that the beaches are empty and unsafe at night, abut the chairs with the umbrellas all for rent, about the mother and daughter I met on the bus down here, having breakfast with them and being invited out on a boat ride on this launcha to see sea turtles out a ways from shore and some other beaches, of swimming briefly with them, about not swimming and playing in the waves like I would like as no one to watch my stuff and hostel very insecure, about the tacky shops on the mainstreet of the little town - shell bracelets, necklaces etc, knickknacks and tshirts- no shells on the beach - about semana santa beginning- the week that all of Mexico goes on vacation and hotels and hostels on the beach doubling thier rates (I'm leaving tonight), about now after 4 mornings seeing the same people out on the beach earlish (730-830 am) as much of the youth sleeps after spending the night out at the few clubs, about seafood cocktails and fruit sold on the main beach - how different the scenes are - about the rude staff and unsafeness for belongings at the hostel and all the Noweigan girls visiting, about a few of the people I have chatted with. But then the pain rises and I wonder why bother.


Off into the heat of the afternoon, my bus leaves tonight. Am debating if I should blog anymore at all.

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Comments

[stefano]

hey you!
i'm paying attention! i don't feel the same as you do but i've been there before and somehow climbed out of that abysmal place of despair to find the light of day and the light of life. If I was there with you i'd give you the biggest hug. Just know that i care...enjoy the sun. I'll be in ottawa in 2 weeks. my time here is almost up. i hope you find your way cause only you can help yourself, look deep inside and ask what is stopping you or whatever question you may have and the answer will come in the morning. you have to let go of the past and not worry about the future for it to work. you probably already know that, but sometimes we forget. I gotta go now so take it easy and be here now...

[anonymous]

I'm listening too. I spent my winter alone, looking for someone to travel to Puerto with. I found no one and am alone for Easter. You're not the only lonely one.