The straw that broke the camels back...

Or my back, to be more precise. Only, it wasn't a straw. It was a couch. And no, I wasn't carrying it. It was a lazy day on the farm after a busy week in Toronto, I had just finished watching a movie with Jean, while doing my nails and went to get up off the couch. Searing back pain seized me and became increasingly severe over the following hours until I could barely walk. Even the slightest movement sent nasty nerve pulses to my brain. I knew I'd done a number on myself, of course, this being the 3rd time something like this has happened. But getting off the couch?!?!? I mean, COME ON! These days, the capacity to tie my shoe laces unassisted or being able to squeeze an extra 5 minutes walking out of my treacherous body is the pinnacle of my days accomplishments...

This is how my back plays the game: It barely complains at 15hr bus rides, rope swings, mountain hikes, stacking the motorbike and the like for over the 3 months in Asia but suddenly when back in the west decides "Hmmm, not used to all this sitting on couches think I'll pack it in... "

The first back episode in 2001 was the result of leaning across the kitchen bench to pick up the cling wrap, the 2nd, in 2004, occured after a sneezing fit and now this. Apparently I have the back of an 85yr old. And a poor 85 at that because Jim's gran is about that age and hasbeen running circles around me for months now.

So, I'll keep this back story brief, no point all of us suffering. But any strangers stumbling on this entry will be dissapointed to find no travel info - since no travelling has occurred in some time. In fact, fair warning to friends and strangers alike: what follows is sure to be nothing but a bunch of lamenting on my behalf, accompanied by just a hint of frustration, a pinch of melancoly, perhaps a dash of self pity and a twist of bitterness, all lightly spinkled over with what I hope comes across as a wry self-defficating humour...

Sooooo...the long and the short of it is that I slipped a disc (or possibly discs) in my lower back and I continue to be out of commission. We continue to reside at Jim's parents place, our port in a storm for the last 2 months, with the back pain rendering me incapable of plane travel. In fact, it renders me absolutely useless for any kind of anything, I can't participate in any activity that makes me assume the same position for more than 15 minutes at a time. I am exceedingly grateful and thankful that Jean and Bill have been so supportive and opened their home to us. Not that they had too much choice really. I could barely move a muscle, let alone move out. Still, they've both taken such good care of me, driving me to appointments, feeding me and generally putting up with having a morose cripple in their midst. If anything positive could be gleaned from this situation it is that I have had the good fortune to have been able to spend time getting to know Jean (the Nicest Person To Ever Live) and to forge a relationship with her. We bonded over card games, baking, good conversation and every episode of every season of Six Feet Under, among other things. Thank God for Vietnam and $1 pirate DVD's is all I can say!

So, the last 2 months have consisted of weekly physiotherapy visits, a precise regime of stretches, exercises, pain killers, avoidance of sitting at ALL costs, reading, watching TV, playing cards and generally feeling crap and depressed most of the time. I am getting to the point where I can go for walks and have managed to increase the duration of said walks from the initial 5 minutes I was barely capable of to just over an hour. Having the physical ability to sit through dinner without having to get up 5 times due to back pain is now a cause for celebration and helps to form a glimmer of hope. Any improvement, no matter how small, is a cheering circumstance that serves to show me that this isn't how its going to be for ever. On the days where I wake up and my condition has worsened for no apparent reason (as back injurys are want to do) I resist the temptation to panic and collapse in utter dispair and tell myself that I am simply having a bad day and that tomorrow will be better. This coping mechanism, I find works in all kinds of situations, not just back injuries.

I try to keep my spirits up, but must admit that my stiff upper lip often goes rubbery by noon. And thus I have gone through several boxes of tissues and all the levels of grief.

STAGES OF GRIEF

1. Denial: "This can't be happening. I just twisted it, surely it will be better in a day or two......Okay, a week or two.....Maybe a month or... two?.....blah, blah, blah."

2. Anger: " Why me! What did I do to deserve this! Stupid F%&#ing back! Blah, blah, blah, blah"

3. Dispair: " I think I'll just walk out in front of a bus (cry, cry, sniffle, sniffle), hang on we're on a farm in the middle of nowhere, there are no buses. Ok, maybe a tractor. Or a hay bailer... But hang on, I can't walk. Screw it, guess I'll just lie here then and cry til my eyes swell shut and I pass out...Blah, blah, blah."

4. Bargaining (with God): "I'll be good! If you make this go away, I promise I'll never indulge in any of the 7 deadly sins/ break the 10 commandments/ cheat on my tax returns again. I'll do anything to fix it, what will it take? ....Okay, just PROVE to me you exist by doing this for me.... Okay, God are you there? It's me, Leigh. I'm in pain. It's been a month now. If you made the world in 6 days surely you can do this little thing for me in under a month? Not to rush you or anything, but, um, do you think you could work me a little miracle? Not a water into wine, part the sea, rain for 40 days and 40 nights kind a miracle, just your run-of-the-mill-heal-my -pain kinda miracle? No? Fine.... Buddha, are you there? Allah? Anyone? What will it take? Blah, blah, blah."

Bargaining (with the Physio): "Do you discount for bulk visits? How about buy 10 get one free? I'll do anything, can you just fix me please?!?!"

And after a few more stages of grief I have settled in the final and most healthy stage which is acceptance, Albeit a grudging acceptance at best. This is where you concede that while you might not like it, this is how it is and there is precious little you can do to change what happened. So you may as well accept it and put in place a plan to get you to your goal, to where you want to be and while you are at it look deeply for what you can learn and what positive lesson you can take from it. From every difficulty you can find either your greatest weakness or your greatest strength. A sensible mind knows which is best to choose and your soul, after this conscious decision, does the rest.

Anyway, Jim has been jamming with friends in Chuck's basement and recently, when my back felt up to it I tagged along and hung out with Chuck's wife, Jane. It was awesome to get out of the house and have some human interaction and in Jane I have found a friend. Jim and the boys played a private gig for friends on someones farm, and I was also able to venture to it. We called it Farm Aid. It was lots of fun and though my back pain was somewhat distracting and uncomfortable I managed to enjoy myself.

As I have improved in condition I have done my best to enjoy the countryside. It is very pretty in a flat, slightly monotonous kind of way. There are a lot of fireflies flitting about here and at dusk, as darkness creeps in, I love to stand amongst them and marvel at the swarm of blinking energy. I take simple delight in watching the crops grow and the sun set. At times though as I watch that firey orb flirt with the horizon I feel pangs of homesickness, thinking wistfully that as the suns rising on you, it's setting on me.

Here is a quote I've always liked, although I have no idea who said it: "Faith is a bird that senses dawn approaching, yet sings while it's still dark."

So doing my best to be that bright little birdy and, while I'm at it, getting through quite a few good books in the process...

Til next time, wherever you are in the world I hope you are enjoying life and remember : Be kind to your body.

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