A decision

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*Massive deep breath*

I've just made one of the most challenging decisions of my little life so far. Now I don't wish to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm really not and know that I was very very lucky to have to decide between two really interesting, challenging offers (kind of like, 'should I take the Bentley or the Rolls today?!') but it is still really difficult to know what to do when the decision affects others as well as yourself, and will affect the rest of your life in some shape or form.

So, as you know I had been accepted in principle by VSO (www.vso.org) to go and volunteer in a developing country. I was absolutely thrilled and very much looking forward to going. However, before I was accepted by VSO they'd originally rejected me, saying there were too many people with my skills applying, and not enough placements. So when I was doing my wee bit travelling before Christmas I'd gone to visit my brother in China and we'd had discussions about the input I could have if I decided to spend time there. When VSO came back and said yes, I was pretty much so excited about that that I put China to the back of my mind, but it was still there!

I'd started all the processes for VSO but hadn't been matched to a placement. In fact, I hadn't heard from them since the very first week when I got offered something in Northern Cameroon which I'd rejected for reasons previously documented on here. In the meantime I'd spoken to a friend who used to work for VSO and she'd said that most people selected in the Leadership and Management category were in their late 30s and 40s so I'd done well to get through, but it made me question how likely it was that I would get selected given the wealth of experience I was up against. So I spoke to VSO who said it was a quiet time for placements and that if I did get matched it would probably involve an August/September start which is later than I'd want as:
I'd need to spend an extra 4 months kicking about Glasgow
I'd need to put off doing my MBA another year
I'd be out of paid employment for a whole year longer than I'd originally planned

So after this conversation I'd basically decided to think about my other options and of those, China would be the most exciting and challenging. I'd drafted an email to my brother to say that I would come and to set out a bit of a plan for how I could contribute but decided not to send it until Wednesday as that's when VSO send their offers out and I didn't want to have any regrets. Actually, on Wednesday I was hoping VSO wouldn't send anything through because I was really excited about going to China and what we could achieve there and didn't want to have to question my decision! Wednesday came and went without an offer from VSO so I sent the email to Taz and felt good about it. You know that feeling you get after sending an important email or making an important decision, you either panic and think, "shiiiiiiit" or you just feel right? Well I felt right.

Thursday I get an email from VSO offering me pretty much my perfect placement in Nigeria with very good living conditions. I never thought I would be so disappointed to get something from VSO! If only it had been a terrible placement it would have made life a lot easier for me! But it was a good fit. Organisational Development Advisor to a teacher training college, the first VSO role in the college to be at a strategic level. Ticked so many of my boxes that it has restored my faith entirely in VSO and the matching system they use!

But.

But. I'd already convinced myself of the benefits of going to China and had done a very good selling job! This VSO placement was competing with a pretty much unbeatable offer working with my brother, consolidating and expanding his business and learning to speak Mandarin to boot. So apart from the whole rosy glow I get from telling people I'm going to volunteer overseas the VSO placement can't really compete with what I'll get out of going to China. Now I know that sounds really selfish and you don't go to volunteer for what you can get out of it, but I am just being honest. I am at the stage of my career where it does matter what I do and given my (hugely ambitious and probably unrealistic) plans of going to the States to do an MBA I really need and want to spend the next 18 months doing what I can to really improve my CV. That was always a key motivator for me going away with VSO. The altruisim was a lovely side benefit but never the key factor. I knew that working in a developing country with few resources would really challenge me and hopefully make it easier for me to get a job in the non profit sector in the future.

I guess I'm also influenced by the fact that I have volunteered in come capacity or other since I was about 8 and know that it will always be a part of my life, whether or not I do something like VSO. I also hope that once my mandarin is good enough I'll be able to get involved with community life in China.

So I'm comfortable with my decision, although feeling bad that I've withdrawn from VSO. However, it has been stressed to us throughout the training that if we have any doubts we should face them, and it is better to not go on a placement than try and get out of it once you are there. And this is the other point that I've realised through the comprehensive training with VSO. The placement I have been offered is the first of it's kind and while that excites me and brings out my competitive side, realistically I know it has many challenges that would be overwhelming most of the time. One of the reasons I have done well in the jobs I've had is because I care, but there is obviously a downside to that level of personal investment. The placement outline makes it clear that there is likely to be opposition to the role I'd be taking, and the changes I'd be implementing.

Now I'm not afraid of that. Those of you who knew me when I moved to Explore in Leamington will know that I had massive challenges when I moved there, but I had two fantastic and very supportive assistant managers and a supportive head office and, in effect, the hard part really only lasted for 3-6 months. And still I found it tough and I cried pretty much every time I phoned home and really, really needed the support network that I had in the UK. This VSO placement would be harder than that as the only person who is on board for changing is my line manager. I'd have no counterpart in the college and would be single-handedly spearheading the improvements. Now, as I type this I am thinking, I could do that! I get excited by challenges like that and my immediate reaction when I saw it was to think, "Just imagine if I could do all that!". However, I have to be realistic and know that this placement is for 2 years and that is a very long time to feel isolated and challenged personally and professionally and to not have the immediate support of family and friends. Realistically I could go over and work very hard for 2 years and, while learning a hell of a lot personally, not have achieved very much in concrete terms. My thoughts now are that maybe this is not the right time for me. Also, I don't think I could do this placement justice. There are lots of areas where I know a bit, but not a lot and would be learning on the job. Now, I've done that in every job I've had which is fine, but I think this role, in the this timescale needs someone a bit more expert than me. In an ideal world I'd apply again to VSO when I have a partner to go with me (I'm thinking of asking my mum actually!) and maybe some more experience under my belt.

So, China. Exciting times. We are going to sort out my Visa but I hope to be there by the end of April. That does rather through a spanner in the works for my half marathon (which I'm still planning to do because a) people have sponsored me and b) I do really believe in what VSO do and want to support them.

So, need to register for a new half marathon which will cut a month off my training schedule....arghhh, sort Visa and start learning Mandarin. Get in!!

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