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Published: December 27th 2012
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I ran around for years, looking for answers that were buried deep under blood and hate, dirt and shame. Still today, I struggled to control my sense and can't fully understand. I remember the ritual like it was yesterday. You were once again leaving. During a couple of seconds which felt like hours. My world was stopping. My eyes were getting wet, but I couldn't look away. I knew only too well what was coming, but couldn't do better, but look at you as you were leaving. Questions were popping inside my heads and getting lost through a chaos of sadness and incomprehension. I was acting tough and I kept telling people that you were a good man and you were doing this for the better good, but I was burning from inside.
Not long before, on the other side of the world, some of your brothers and friends were running away from poverty. Some of them had seen their father and grandfather died fighting for what they thought was right. Others were there standing in the dust not knowing what was going on. They were in between two storms. People had stop dying from man power, but from what
those man had left of the society. Tensions were big and war was never far away. It was a question of time before everything started again. This time it will be for the worse and only god knew what will be left afterwards. People were leaving by hundreds in the hope for a better life...
It left you looking for ghosts that you once knew. And, I was there looking at you standing in the dark, in silence. You were looking for the right words, but what is right when all is wrong. I was searching, myself; reading, checking films and planning a trip back where it all began some 60 years ago for your dad and you. I went there and left with my little smile in a bag, amaze by the beauty of the land and its people. Amaze by the smile of the cheeky red hair girl down at the pub. I was walking around all smile, having fun and ignoring the painted walls, the monuments and so on. I knew they were there, but couldn't look at them for too long. I avoided the place where the blood was too fresh. I felt too good
to let any bad feeling get to me. I left Ireland many times and came back again and again.
Everything went well until that night when I looked at my face through a mirror and the old questions came back flying in my mind. I left my party behind. I told myself I will only meet them again when I feel I went throught all the questions . I needed to visit some sights and see for myself some evidences of the past. I came back to Dublin to meet my friends again two weeks later, not sure of what to think. All I can say is that you were probably right when you were saying to me in the low voice each time before leaving:
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
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Anastasia78
Anastasia78
Once again...
Very well written. I actually read this entry twice and think I enjoyed it more the second time.