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Published: December 23rd 2021
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I think that porridge with banana and Maple syrup may become my new favourite breakfast dish as I had it again this morning. After that I was catching up on emails and FaceBook posts in my room when I was startled by what sounded like a Racoon running amok in the shower. Not that I'm actually very familiar with the sound one would make in such circumstances, but I've seen YouTube videos of them getting into places they shouldn't, and they seem to be excitable creatures, and the analogy jumped into my mind. Cautious investigation revealed however, the window cleaner attacking the thin Victorian glass with a stiff bristle brush!
Order restored I ventured out to start the day.
I quite often listen to the Radio 4 comedy quiz programme 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue', in which team members are given silly things to do. In one episode many years ago the teams were asked to sum up famous books in one sentence. One of the books was 'The Lord of the Rings trilogy'. The answer given was 'small guys go to a lot of trouble to return lost property'
I
felt some sympathy with Frodo and Bilbo this morning in trying to do the responsible thing with this lost purse. Firstly I tried looking for any relevant FaceBook pages for the Lytham area in case anyone had sent a message about it, but all those that looked appropriate were private groups and I couldn't wait for acceptance on them just on the off chance. So, it was back to St Annes police station when it opened at 10am (according to Google). There were lights on when I got there at 10.10am, which was a good sign so I tried the front door. In I went, down a corridor or two, which struck me as a bit strange, as I was expecting to see a reception desk just inside. Eventually I bumped into a couple of workmen, who seemed surprised to see me. 'This is the Police Station?' I queried. 'No mate, you're about five years too late' was the reply 'the main one's in Blackpool now'. My shoulders sank. 'Do you need help, is there anything we can do' they asked, which I thought was kind. I explained the problem and there was nothing they could do to assist. I
trudged back to the car and got out my laptop.
I pulled up the maps app and asked it to show me where the Police Station was. As I had no internet connection it thought about it for a very long time, then just stopped responding. I rebooted it and tried again with somewhat more success. I could see that the HQ building was near the Tower so with heavy resignation I set off there. 20 minutes later, having negotiated (and got lost in) Blackpool's one way system and narrow streets, I found a parking spot, paid for an hour and set off walking in what I thought was the right general direction. Ten minutes later, with no sign of the place I asked a lady who was waiting at a crossing for the quickest route. 'Oh it's not there anymore love, now it's next to Tesco's by the motorway I think, perhaps you could ring 999 and ask'. Thinking dark thoughts I retraced my steps back to the car and fired up my laptop again. This time I asked it to show me where Tesco was. This stumped it again so I examined the map in
the vicinity of the motorway. I spotted a trading estate next to the final junction and memorised the route to it, reasoning that this was the most likely location. Another 20 minutes driving found me entering the estate and I was pleased to see a tall communications mast which might just be associated with Police HQ. Then I saw a police van coming out of a gate and I knew I had hit paydirt! Ten more minutes later I had handed the purse over and felt as I guess Bilbo and Frodo must have done when they finally unburdened themselves of that blasted ring!!
As it was now mid-day, I was sitting in Tesco's cafe (which was next door to police HQ) waiting for a Southern Fried chicken wrap to be delivered. My thoughts turned to the Three Wise Men and I felt some kinship with them. Not that there are three of me, nor would I consider myself especially wise. I am a man (or at least I was last time I looked!), but hey, let me have this Christmas reference! I felt as though I had been on a similar sort of journey as they,
through foreign lands, following a somewhat vague celestial satnav and having to use reason and peristence to achieve the desired end result. I had felt like giving up as each obstacle mounted, and I feel sure that they too probably felt the same way at times during their journey. However, we know that their journey was not in vain. I hope that mine also results in a successful outcome. Also, as Christmas is a time for moralistic stories, here's mine - treat what technology tells you with a big pinch of salt OR if you see a lost purse, either leave it be, or be prepared for some legwork in these economically challenged times!
But like all good Christmas stories, this one does have a happy ending. Later in the afternoon a policeman rang me to say that they had traced the owner of the purse, so her Christmas will be a merry one after all.
After all that, plus a wander around Kirkham, I reckoned a snooze was in order, so it was back to Lytham and another long walk from a parking spot back to the Queens Hotel. I reckon I'll need
a new pair of shoes for Christmas at this rate. Actually, I took an even longer route back and nipped into another pub for some much-needed refreshment. I tried a pint from a Bolton brewery called 'Desperate Dan' or something like it, and jolly nice it was too. People drifted into and out of the pub exchanging cheery 'Merry Christmas' greetings and suchlike. It was all rather convivial.
Snooze over, and feeling peckish, I decided fish and chips would suit me so out I went and found a chippy serving them. Then it was a pleasant last walk along the prom in the much milder evening air, looking at the decorations everyone has put up. Tomorrow I take leave of the Queens Hotel and I'll be driving home for Christmas (cue the song!). At least I won't have to carry my luggage far because finally I'M PARKED RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.
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