The Disappointment of Cologne

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Although I have been studying German for a good while now, I have only ever been to Germany once before, and that was on a thirty-six hour round trip from King's Lynn, England, to Aachen, Germany. That day, I spent around eight hours in Germany, in a city which is basically in Belgium, so I don't think it counts as much. So, since moving here, I have decided that I need to make a bit more of an effort to see the country, as I have neglected it in favour of France for so long. I am pleased to say that the area I live in is really pleasant. As I was driving back here on Thursday night, there was layers of mist hovering over the fields, and the greenery of the mountain forests was so picturesque, that I really felt blessed to be given such a beautiful area to live in. Maybe it's because I have just come back from Cologne that I appreciate Baden-Württemberg so much, because Cologne, in my humble opinion, is sh*t.



I had to go to Cologne, because I had a training seminar there which all British Council teaching assistants had to attend in order to get paid for your work. Before leaving, I went in to one class at the school, where I had to introduce myself. Just before I left, Herr. V told all the pupils in the class that I was going to Cologne, and whilst the majority of them didn't seem impressed, there were a few who told me that it's a great city. I knew that my hotel was outside of Cologne (about half an hour from the main centre), but on the Thursday I planned to leave the seminar and have a look round the actual town area. So on Monday morning, I set off in the car for the five hour trip to Cologne. I luckily had the ol' Harry Potter audiobook at the ready, and The Goblet of Fire was read to me by Mr. Fry as I made my way up the country. The hotel was so similar to that of The Shining, that I am surprised I made it out alive. It's about twenty minutes drive from the next living habitation, but this drive is up and down long and winding roads. I suppose you could say that the hotel was quite charming, with its sloping lawns and surrounding forests, but it was so far away from anywhere, that I don't really know why you would go.





I won't go into detail about the course, because it was mainly just the classic, 'do you know what to do if you're ill before work?' questions and 'team building' exercises that make you question how some of these people have managed to get to the age they are at now, when they ask questions like "how do you make friends?". I will tell you though, that I did the classic James Reed thing of embarrassing myself numerous times. So, here is a low-down of those moments, cos I know you all love them:

1) Within thirty minutes of meeting my room-mate at the hotel, I loudly announced that 'weather talk is so boring', forgetting that he had been talking at great length about the weather not five minutes previously.

2) I took a drink of sparkling water (the damned stuff that Germans love), but did not feel the burp coming up... I'll let you build the image in your mind. Fifteen strangers. One silent room. One loud burp.

3) During a 'get to know each other' exercise with all eighty language assistants, I said to my partner "how long is this going on for?", but it was at one of those moments when a really loud room goes deadly silent. The poor girl who had put all her effort into organising it turned to me and said, "we're nearly done". Then, to try and alleviate the guilt of making her think I wasn't enjoying it, I said back to her, "sorry, I'm not being rude, I just really need to go to the toilet."

So now, the other teaching assistants either think that I am incredibly rude and loud, or that I have irritable bowels; when in reality they both are true.





All things considered, I got through it OK, and I even made friends with some people (I don't know what good they saw in me that week). So on Thursday morning, myself and three friends I had made got in my car and headed for Cologne city. On arrival, it looked impressive. The monstrous Köln Dom (cathedral) really is huge, and it looks so gothic, because the majority of it is black, with two spiralling towers and detailed gargoyles. Outside the Dom, there are a lot of beggars and homeless people, and I mean a lot. I think it puts in perspective how much better the social welfare is in Great Britain, because even though we have a lot of homeless, the number here is astounding. One interesting meet outside the Köln Dom was a gentleman named Michael Jaffray King. He was selling rosaries outside of the cathedral and made me say a prayer with him. He then went on to tell me his life story, and what a story it is. He comes from a really rich family, and was privately educated all his life. His cousin is George Osbourne (as in our current Chancellor of the Exchequer) and his daughters are Jazzy and Ruby King who are currently on The X Factor as "Blonde Electric". If you Google "Blonde Electric" you can see interviews with them in which they say their dad and mum are missionaries and wrote them letters telling them to repent for being on The X Factor. He asked me where I was from, and I said "near Norwich in East Anglia", to which he responded, "ah yes, Norwich, I've been there. Lot's of blacks, isn't there?". I replied with "I've never really noticed", and he said "ah, so you're not a... what's it called... racist, then?" He then went on to tell me that a man in Norwich told him that if he didn't eat for twenty-nine days then he would feel Jesus' full power, and he managed to do it; so Norwich is a special place for him (at least, he thinks it was Norwich). He then brought the conversation back round to 'the blacks', and said that he wanted to stay in Norwich and teach them... It was all getting a bit heavy after that, so I decided to leave. So, yes, he was an interesting character, so look out for him if you're ever near the Köln Dom.





After this experience, we went inside the cathedral and then all the way up it. We must have chosen the wrong tower, because there was a sign saying there was a lift, and I didn't see no lift. The only other sucks who walked all the way up the stairs were an Asian couple who were struggling more than we were, and some aggressive looking German families. Midway up, you reach the bells, which are pretty big. At one o'clock, one of the bells rang and it was deafening. The view from the top is also pretty spectacular, and it really makes you question how they managed to build something so tall in the days when everything had to be done by hand. The thought of all those who will have died building it is also unsettling. It's a shame that the whole Dom is graffitied as well, and I mean every inch of it. There was graffiti on those stairs from 1994. It was quite a nice cathedral anyway, but that was about all I liked in Cologne.





The main city of Cologne is nothing desirable. There are the usual shops, chain-stores and restaurants that you find in most cities, and nothing really that unique about it. I had a currywurst for the first time, and that wasn't too bad, but it didn't really reach my expectations. We strolled around for a while trying to find the Altstadt (old town), and disappointingly discovered that we had already been through it and just hadn't noticed. I suppose it's like a lot of places though, there is one big attraction and not a lot else.




All in all, I had a nice day with my new-found friends, and climbing the Dom was quite fun too, but Cologne itself was rather disappointing. In comparison to the towns in Baden-Württemberg, it just seems to lack something. Maybe it is just me, and I just saw the bad parts of Cologne, but it just seemed to be one erotic shop after another, and that's not what you go sight-seeing for (or maybe it is, you dirty lil perverts). So I am going to give Cologne a rating on 3/10: the Dom was nice, the currywurst was OK, the McDonald's toilet was very clean, and meeting Michael King was a fun experience, but there's not really a lot going on there if I am honest with you. Sorry to any people that live in, or love, Cologne, however... you need to move.



(As a closing note, I also want to let you all know that the friends I made on this trip all live the opposite side of the country from me, about a six hour drive away. Well done, James)

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