Problems

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I dunno if “Problems” is the right heading or not. I’ve learned a bit about myself, and some things I learned I knew, I think they just came more into the light here. Thay and others talk about people being social ‘animals’, they need to be together. Living in a community like this has really shown me, …. And I sigh as I think of the right words … another sigh… I’m ok with an isolated life. I don’t mean I’m ready to move up on a mountain, but I’m happy having a few things and people in my life. I am not happy here as far as the community thing goes. I don’t like this living and doing things as a group, and having strong leaders tell us where to go and what to do. It’s not that I’m rebellious, I just like doing my own thing. I think when there are too many people chaos is easier to find. Things get more complicated, more and more questions come up, don’t understand or know what you doing, emotions arise, so and so on. Here, life for the most part has been peaceful, but living in a group is too much. I find more happiness sometimes with the temple cats (so I like to call them) and Snickers, then I do being around other people. Not always, but enough of the times. As things are today, I feel lonely. I think the more people I have around me, the lonelier I get. Can’t really explain it, but it’s how it’s always been. I like the people at Plum Village and care about them and am grateful to meet them, but living with them and spending all my time with them, is a bit much. As of right now, I want to go home. I want to be home. I want to use the internet and know what’s going on. I have three more full days, I can manage and will have a great time, I know it. But today, today, I’m not feeling it. Perhaps when I finish this, I will take a nap and meditate. If I take it step by step, live in the moment as they teach, it’ll work out and be fine. But now, as I am alone in my thoughts on my computer, I am lonely and miss home. I miss Jeff, I miss my dogs. I want Rei Rei to sleep above my head and hear her snore, I want to see Zoe do a little hop when she hears a noise and starts to bark, I want to talk with Jeff. Even for a few moments, and see him smile. Then I want to know everyone else I care about, is closer then half the world away.

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