Big Girls Knickers Required

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Day one in France

So I need to explain why I had to put my big girls knickers on. Mike got to the ripe old age of 70 when he had to apply for his license again. He wanted to keep his C1 category on his license which allows him to drive vehicles over 3.5 ton. So this exercise was not as simple as applying online to renew his license. He now had to go for a medical and have his eyesight tested. So all done but he mentioned at his medical that he drank more than the Government’s Chief Medical Officer recommended limit of 14 units of alcohol a week. So now DVLA wanted more info on his drinking like in the last year!!!! So he has not received his license yet so cannot drive in France.

Now where does that leave me - well it leaves me that I have to drive for the next 3 weeks whilst we are in France. I have driven loads of times abroad but always in hire cars or friends cars so the steering wheel is in the right place for their roads - I have never driven with the steering wheel on the wrong side at the same time as driving on the wrong side of the road - let alone with a bloody big motorhome under my backside.

So nervous you guessed it too right I was - but now need to put on Big Girls Knickers as when you have to do it you have to do it.

So leaving Calais all seemed well just followed the other cars - me thinking this is okay I have cracked this - that was premature thinking is all I can say.

Prior to driving I had given Mike a long list of how to read maps and navigate as he likes to use Sat Navs which is okay for getting you to the destination when you have got to the town or city but not good in my opinion for the main journey. I think you should know the direction and the towns around you as how many times do you not take the direction of the Sat Nav because she gave instructions too late or lets be honest took the wrong direction. Well let’s be honest I think this was a waste of time as the games began with me shouting where do I go whilst speeding down the autoroute with me shouting surely we need to go in the direction of Lille!

So within 3 miles we have gone wrong - if you know me you will know that poor Mike got more than an earful and the air was blue.

Anyway let’s get things into perspective I say to myself, we can get back on track and we need to find a supermarket anyway so going down the country lanes is not that bad.

Mike bless him takes the screaming and gets us back on the autoroute further down the line after we’ve stopped at an Auchan supermarket - very convenient wrong route!! Now the real fun begins so I am saying what is 50,70,90 kilometres per hour in real terms so he shouts the answers to me. This is okay but I can hardly see the dial whilst bombing along so I now know the new 70 is the new 40 (well 43 really, so on that basis Mike looks bloody old for a 43 year old, ha ha).

Well did I expect to be buffeted by strong cross winds whilst driving on the wrong side of the road with bloody big lorries - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (please note there are not enough Os in the world for me on this one).

So passing the lorries with the wind buffeting me all you could hear in the motorhome was Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, I can make this, I can make this or even better I am going to die, I am going to die - however I made it every time - whilst of course shouting this mantra. I have no idea how poor Mike must have felt with me in charge of a motorhome bombing along 110 kms an hour (81 miles) past a lorry with a mad woman shouting I am going to die next to him whist he has a concrete crash barrier next to him one side and a bloody big lorry the other side with a mad woman in the middle.

We eventually get to a camp site we had agreed to go to and I park up at reception so I think big pat on the back - once again a bit premature as we book in for the night and I go to move the motorhome to our pitch and the immobiliser kicks in and we cannot start the van. Well to be honest this has happened before but not in a foreign country with the sun beating down on us.

So ring Phantom who by the way we are now on first name terms with as it has done this like I say twice before and the lady once again tries to disarm the immobiliser - which never happens in the UK so why is it going to happen in France. So she says let’s try again in 30 mins or so - she’ll ring us and she does. Still won’t start!! So Phantom recommend calling Fiat Assistance but we think we know better. So order a drink at the campsite, juggle the Phantom fobs a bit, wait further to finish our drinks and guess what, it started. As before, to be honest, you wait a while and then try again and it seems to override itself - so I know what you are thinking, if this has happened before why have you not got it sorted - yes that is the question I am asking myself as well.

Anyway having got the motorhome started with sheer relief on both sides and park up for the night. So smiling now although see what happens when we next try to start it.

Up early for the bread lady for deux croissants and une baguette for breaky and let’s see what today brings.

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