I ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PRESENCE

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Let’s think back to when I worked at Davey Tree in the Human Resources Department. I knew all my colleagues fairly well. When I entered or left the building at either end of the day, I’d shout out a general “Hi/Bye, everyone,” to which some people responded and some didn’t - either way, nothing personal.

Same thing for parties and get-togethers - a general “Hey” to all within hearing range, hugs for closer friends who are not busy doing something else, and that’s it.

In France, it’s a little more involved than that. Take today, for example. I arrived at my main school just before the morning break. When the bell rang, teachers started filtering into the sale des maîtres (teachers’ lounge) gradually. For every one, I made eye contact, stood up, said hello, and did the bisous (two kisses, touching cheeks)…even if I was trapped at the other end of the table in the corner and it was quite difficult to get around the eight chairs separating me from whomever had just arrived.

Fast-forward to lunch. It was Dominique’s birthday (she is a first-grade, or CE1, teacher). We were all seated, all 15 of us, around the table having beer/champagne/wine (yes, at school) when Laurent, a teacher who worked at the school, wandered in. Although we were 15 and although we were all in the middle of eating and drinking, everyone stopped whilst Laurent made his way around the table, making eye contact, saying “Bonjour,” and doing the bisous with all 15 of us. It was awkward getting around the table and it took a FULL five minutes, but it’s just standard practice here - it’s what you do. No one minded - but more than that, no one even thought about it.

Later in the mini-celebration, Dominique received a gift card to some shopping center from “all of us.” Now, I (or most any American) would have held it up, looked around the table, and simply said something like, “Wow, this is great. Thank you guys.” But we are in France, so Dominique stood up and did what Laurent had done not even a half hour earlier, replacing only the word “Bonjour” with “Merci.” Every person!

Then, the principal walked in. Having already seen us all, there were no bisous or handshakes… until he spotted Laurent, whom he had not yet seen. Everyone either stood up or scooted their chair in so that Olivier could make his way to Laurent, look him in the eye, say “Bonjour,” and shake his hand.

The French take human interaction far more seriously and far less for granted than Americans do… at least it seems that way when comparing the two cultures. This is also reflected in the way “friendships” are seen and formed in the two countries. In the States (and here, of course, I acknowledge the fact that we are entering into the realm of generalizations), we easily talk to and smile at people we do not know. We make small talk with waiters and the people around us in line. We consider people to be “friends” as long as we have a good first impression of them; at least, if we were not specifically asked to make the choice, we would sooner (if subconsciously) refer to them as friends rather than acquaintances. Then, if we fall out of touch, it’s no big deal. We are accustomed to people coming and going in our lives. We welcome them in all the same and treat them as friends.

For the French, this is not the case. They are much more reserved when it comes to new arrivals in their lives. This is why they are often mistaken by foreigners - at least Americans - as cold or unfriendly. This is not at all true. The French just see friendships differently. They do not open up easily to people they do not know. The process of getting to know someone is slow and structured. After the appropriate number of meetings/communications exchanged, if it is determined that the two people in question have enough in common, they become Friends. Once they have established a Friendship, it is generally considered to be a solid, concrete, LASTING thing. It then goes without saying that the two have a responsibility to get in touch with one another once every few days or once a week to “prendre des nouvelles” (get some news) on how they are doing and what is new in their respective lives. This “cold distance” is actually respect. As s/he does not know you, a French person would not talk to you as though s/he knows more about you than s/he actually does.

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