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I haven't been feeling well the past couple of days. I had to
cancel a trip to the Perfume Pagoda (which, despite what some may think, is a religious shrine and not a perfume factory) 😉 I also had to cancel a Vietnamese cooking class that I scheduled, where I would have learned to make nems (fresh spring rolls).
Yesterday, as I was sitting on the front porch of the hostel and smoking a cigarette (yes, this is what it has driven me to - but don't worry it is not a permanent habit I plan on keeping), I heard at least two different stories of
foreigners getting mugged right here on the same street as the hostel; one story about a guy getting arrested for some trumped-up charge; and another about the number of foreigners who get admitted to the emergency room because motorbike riders here just don't give a crap who they hit.
I have been alternating pretty frequently between reading in bed, sitting in internet cafes, and
worshipping the porcelain god.
But it is not just physical illness that afflicts me; it is also a spiritual malaise that I have never really encountered with such strength before:
Culture Shock.
According to Wikipedia, "culture shock . . . grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a
dislike for or even disgust (moral or aesthetical) with certain aspects of the new or different culture."
There are distinct phases, including the Honeymoon Phase, where everything's rosy and new and exciting; the
Negotiation Phase, when you "may find the pace of life too fast or slow, may find the people's habits annoying, disgusting, and irritating . . . depression is not uncommon"; and the Adjustment Phase, which is when you finally make your peace with the differences and settle in.
When it first occurred to me, this
explained everything: my disorientation, my disgust with the Vietnamese' constant attempts to take advantage of foreigners (I mean, in the hospital? Really?), my wish to just get the hell out of the country, and my lack of desire to even leave my hotel room. It explained how every time I walk down the street now here in Hanoi, I think to myself, "I hate Vietnam."
The fact that I know what it is does not really help, other than to put it in perspective. Most authorities would say that it takes about 6-12 months to reach the Adjustment Phase. Since I do not have that long, I don't want to spend the rest of my time here
hating or miserable.
Two days ago I booked a flight
back to Hong Kong. This was based on a number of factors:
• I just
don't seem to be getting better, physically. On the upside, I have lost a lot of weight very quickly. It's called the Nasty Vietnamese Microscopic Organism Diet. I don't recommend it.
• I think I may be
getting too old (and crotchety, once again) for this. I cannot even remember the last time I felt properly clean, as the facilities everywhere here are pretty nasty. I have yet to see a bathroom in Vietnam that doesn't have a wet floor. I also just would like a good, uninterrupted night's sleep, but that seems impossible, too. On top of which I am totally
intimidated by the flat-stomached bleached-blonde bikini-clad 20-year-old girls who are all out doing this in packs.
• I truly would prefer to come back and
do all of this with someone. I'm going to quote a good and very wise friend of mine who wrote me today:
"I know you are seeing amazing things and having adventures, but (putting myself in your shoes) I can't help but think that it must be somewhat lonely, too. I'm the type of person that needs a companion to share ideas, stories and experiences with in order to truly enjoy traveling. It's like I need that person as a 'mirror' to help me see things clearly and relax enough to keep all the aggravations and stress of planning from getting to me. There is something
so exhausting about the burden of always being alone and always feeling a little bit on guard and isolated."
I could not have put it better myself. When you have a companion, you have someone to share both the joys and the burdens of travel - which can be many, in either category. You can
take turns taking responsibility.
"Ok, I handled the last swindler. It's your turn to negotiate this time."
or
"Since now you are sick and I am well, I will take care of you."
or
"Look at that beautiful temple/mountain/field/skyline/star/water. Isn't it amazing?"
I
feel a bit like a quitter, although I have not yet officially decided to call this trip off yet. I will be in Hong Kong for at least a week, and hopefully, somewhere in the sanity and humanity of air-conditioning and cleanliness and modern conveniences, I will be able to judge a little more clearly and objectively.
I still hope that my readers will keep up with me in the meantime;
I'm not done with Asia quite yet!
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Helen Hunter
non-member comment
Transform: Challenges into Opportunities; & Problems into Solutions.
(((((((Big Hugs)))))) for Rebecca. I admire your honesty about how your feeling and the thought of travelling alone is one that grips me occasionally and l haven’t gone yet! I understand Vietnam is still a very very poor country and what we would consider to be “roughing it” would possibly be luxury to them in some places. So I can identify with how low it must be making you feel right now and that’s without the heat and your debilitating illness you’re suffering from as well, which only compounds everything and makes the whole thing seem 10 times worse than it really is.. Maybe a few days in Hong Kong with dry bathroom floors, clean water, air con, clean sheets and sleep might make you feel a) better b) stronger and C) Feel like getting back on that god damn horse! I guess this is where you have to dig very deep indeed. And l agree with you that’s it’s not like you can share the up’s and downs of this and cry on the shoulder of a companion which would make it all the more bearable as well I personally and extremely selfishly don’t want you to quit. Because l enjoy reading your blogs and you do not strike me as the sort of person to give up. “At least Seven years” you said you’d dreamt of this trip. Try not to let a small backwater country get the better of you. I’m sure you will have many magical once in a life time experiences when you feeling well and stronger. This is part of your life’s journey and you wouldn’t want it to be plain sailing all the way because you wouldn’t learn anything And hey, You think you’ve got it bad, our air con broke down at work yesterday and it’s 30c So We’ve had to plug a fan in! And if that wasn’t bad enough, l’ve chipped a nail!!! Hee Hee . Get out of Nam PDQ [Pretty Damn Quick] rest in HK for a while cos if you give up you may regret it. But it is your choice hun, no one will think any less of you Well, we all will actually we just won’t say.. Sorry, Poor British humour there .