I became a ladyboy, Giant became a muslim and the ten commandments

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27 years ago, I spent 7 months being a hippy living in a hut on Ao Nang beach with no shoes, no camera and no money, which wasnt really a problem then because my hut cost me 10cents a week. I had a lot of trepidation about returning to Railay and Ao Nang after such a long time because while I had no camera, I had a photo album burned into my brain and I had a few reservations about finding my little patch of paradise turned into a tourist mecca. I ummed and erred a lot about including Krabi in this trip but Giant had asked if one day I would take him to see "my rocks''. My plans were to spend 5 days in Krabi before heading back to KL then off to Kota Kinabalu before flying to Tawau and off to Sipidan - but that didnt happen. Once again, I found it too hard to leave Ao Nang and Railay and the weather wasnt looking favourable so I made a decision to change our tickets out to sipidan for later in the year. It wasnt a hard decision to make because once again, I fell in love with Railay all over again and Giant did not want to leave..ever. We started out flying from KL to Phuket so Giant could have his favourite squid at the Octopus Garden restaurant in Nai Yang before taking a fast taxi across to Krabi...very fast. After lunch at the Octopus Garden we grabbed a taxi and set off for Krabi. Not once, but twice on the drive over I needed to use the ladies room so our driver pulled into petrol stations for me. Not once, but Twice, I looked at the sign with Ladies and Men written in both english and thai and the diagramatic standard this is the toilet you are supposed to use sign........and went into the mens. After the second time I visited the gents our taxi driver turned to giant and asked "Why you bring your own ladyboy to thailand? we have better looking one here"..hmmpff. To make up time for my ladyboy episodes the taxi driver sped up and was urging us to take photos of his speedo to show his friends he could get the taxi up to 200kph. My plan was to arrive at Railay in time for the sunset and for once, probably due to the 200kph driver, timing was perfect. We hit Ao Nang around 4pm, I noticed the beach road where I once lived was now full of restaurants, dive shops and souvenier shops and optometrists, the huts long gone. At least it wasnt Patong. We grabbed a longtail over to Railay with Giant madly snapping pictures of the Karsts on our way over. 27 years ago there were no 5 star hotels on Railay West, this time I had booked at the Railay Village Resort for just the first night so I could show Giant the sunsets I used to sit and watch on the beach. We got to the resort just in time to order a watermelon shake and relax in the spa before heading out to the beach. With east railay now being full of backpackers and spring breakers the beach was full of people building human pyramids, sunbaking and catching frisbees and having the time of their lives - if Railay had a theme song it would be REM's Shiny Happy People. I took lots of photos of the shiny happy people because this time, i had a camera, but still no shoes as they were packed away inside our hotel room. Shoes didnt matter. The sunset did. Giant had only one word for it - "Jaw dropping''. He asked me what I had done there for 7 months.....I took a mental journey back and told him I used to sit, just sit and stare out to sea, and sometimes I would run. He burst out laughing at the thought of me running because he has never seen me do it. So, I ran. I ran from the headland that seperates Railay west from Tonsai and all the way back again. Its called Joy...it used to be called youthful exuberance and for a while, I was 18 again. As the sunset really kicked in Giant was wandering around staring up at the sky in awe saying how everything looked fluorescent - perhaps Railay really does have a special kind of lightshow it turns on every now and then. 27 years ago a lady who made Roti used to say "Everything happen Ao Nang one time and one time only ever in your lifetime'' and that holds true today. That particular sunset was a one off. Like every one is, same same but different.
As the sunset gave way to darkness we headed up walking street over to Railay east. I stopped for a pee just off the pathway and was almost in shock, thinking ohhh no this couldnt be true, I could see headlights of scooters..or so I thought...until Giant suddenly realised there were fireflies everywhere. Peeing in a jungle surrounded by fireflies has a kind of trippy walt disney vibe about it. I had left my shoes in the hotel room and was stumbling around on tiptoes in the dark when we came to the beginning of the stalls on Railay east when I mentioned I needed shoes and there they were, tropical flower thongs or flipflops for sale. Ask and ye shall recieve. So we hit railay east and Giant had his first taste of Roti while we lounged on the deck at the Skunk Bar 2 drinking the worlds worst watermelon shake. We finished our shake and decided to head back to west Railay and started our walk back. Except somehow, we took a wrong turn and were heading for Tonsai. Giant was muttering about needing his glasses and not recognising anything as we passed a young Israeli guy so we asked him if we were heading in the right direction. He kindly offered to walk us back to the right path, keeping his karma in tune by helping the elderly. Once we were on the right path I warned Giant about the monkeys and spotted a swarm of fireflies again so we somehow managed to stumble off the path and into the jungle again, which is no mean feat because theres probably only about 250metres between the path and the Karsts. We were either about to walk into rather large rocks or fall prey to the monkey mafiosa who were either sleeping or in full stealth mode planning their attacks. Giant told me to grab onto the back of his shirt and hang on while we found the path and asked if this may be a sign we were getting old. I told him to shut up and keep walking. Eventually we managed to find walking street west again thanks mainly to the amazing smell of the frangipanis and finally found our room. Giant decided a midnight swim would be nice so we walked out of our room and into the pool and decided to float around..except we couldnt float. Someone stole our floating ability. Giant tried, I tried, but neither of us could manage to float. Giant surmised this may also be a sign that we were getting old. Like the emporer who lost his clothes, we had lost our float. We didnt find our float for another week, but more about that later.
After a well needed sleep we woke up and went for a walk over to the east side for another look and scouted around a little hut to see what we could see. An old man sitting on a chair smiled and spoke to us in thai and I recognised the word Ling..monkeys. He pointed up to the trees and sure enough, there they were, the lings I remembered sitting there going about the business of being monkeys. He kept motioning to go around the other side of the hut making camera signs when I realised he was probably saying "Could you please get out of my back yard and take your photos from somewhere else?". His smile when we went around to take pics was probably more one of relief about getting rid of more stupid tourists from his backyard than one of friendship. As we walked back over to Railay East we noticed the low hanging powerlines zigzagging over the path. Giant is 6'5. We realised that the tree branches he had felt brushing his head during our lost stumblings the night before were actually powerlines. Anyone familiar with asian street lighting and wiring would understand why he felt very glad he hadnt known what was brushing his head. Sometimes, there are advantages to being short.
Pictures of lings, shiny happy people and new shoes accomplished we went for a swim before packing up and grabbing a long tail back to Ao Nang pier for the next hotel, a tiny little 6 chalet brand new place situated between Ao Nang beach and Nopparratara Pier. The bungalows were so new they still had wrapping over the light switches so we were the first guests to use that bungalow. A lovely welcome from the staff, our gear unpacked and time for something to eat so we hired a scooter and headed down to Ao Nang beach street, armed with maps and Kim the hotel manageresses phone number incase we got lost. We found a restaurant and sat staring out at Ao Nang beach enjoying a meal when I noticed Giant quizzing one of the waiters about the location of a gym....here we go again. The need to lift massive amounts of weights apparently is a form of relaxation for some. Me, Id rather have skewers dipped in chilli sauce inserted into my eyeballs than enter a gym and perform any sort of physical activity. Anyway, I had run the day before. That was enough exercise for the next 27 years. Not only was he scouting the location of a gym, he was also eyeing off tattooists. I was wandering into dive shops he was wandering into tattooists and the shopkeepers were all smiling and pointing at the large bald headed old papa weightlifter when we met up again and decided to head back to the hotel for a nap before dinner.
We had just climbed into bed for a sleep when I heard the muslim call to prayer. Giant sat bolt upright and said "Is that a tsunami warning?'' er no honey, a tsunami warning I would assume would be more to the point and less melodic. I explained that even though we were in a buddhist country this part of Ao Nang was a muslim enclave and that was the call to prayer. Unable to sleep I flicked on the TV and channel surfed until I found a movie in english.....Cecil B De Milles Ten Commandments. So there I was, in a muslim enclave in a buddhist country watching the ten commandments. Im not sure if there has ever been a movie any longer than the Ten Commandments but when I did manage to fall asleep Moses had just done the bolt after being exposed as a hebrew slave and was working in a mudpit but I slept for a bloody long time because I woke to Giant saying "Im Hungryyyyy" as a much older Moses was stumbling out from the burning bush with the tablets containing the commandments. I never did get to see them all because we had to obey the demands of giants stomach and headed down to Kruatthara, possibly the best seafood restaurant on earth.
A few years ago while diving in Indonesia I had a bit of a run in with a mantis shrimp who decided my kneecap was way too close to his home so he snapped out a claw and tore a hole in my wetsuit and damn near cracked the bone so when confronted with a tank of the little critters swimming in the restaurant I decided the deal had to be settled so I ordered a feed of mantis shrimp. Giant had ordered a whole fish and as we waited for our meals we ordered more watermelon shakes. I was chatting away telling giant about my time here when two watermelon shakes levitated towards us. We both looked at each other thinking what the hell is going on here when I looked down and saw the miniature waitress. Giant suddenly exclaimed "Look! Theres two of them! a matching pair! Mini Waitresses!". Its worth eating at Kruatthara for the mini ladies alone.
The next morning we were woken by the dawn call to prayer. I pulled the pillow over my head and promptly fell back to sleep while Giant snuck out of bed and headed out to find the gymnasium he had heard about. I slept for hours while he sweated and lifted weights then came back and did laps of the hotel pool and organised his work out plan for the next two weeks. When I surfaced and had my breakfast the noon call to prayer blared out again as we headed into Ao Nang to organise some diving and as I suspected more scouting of tattooists. Riding along on our trusty 80cc scooter Giant had christened the Bali Harley (even though we were not anywhere remotely near bali he is a dedicated Harley man while I have a Vintage Norton and a very sexy Ducati) I was taking in the scenery and watching the thunderstorms roll in when I heard him humming.....yep, Giant was humming the call to prayer. I told him that was probably inappropriate to which he responded...why? I like the tune. Hes a strange person sometimes...

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Kruattharas mini waitress no. 1