This is how I feel

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I never imagined myself looking back at the past 6 months and wondering where they went, even though we've been doing that our entire lives.
I went to Greece and was home before I could even understand I had actually left Canada. I did the same for Nicaragua, and for Spain and for England and Switzerland and Italy and France. None of those experiences were even longer than a month. And here I am today remembering the day I was accepted to go to Thailand and I looked at my future as if it was the only star in the sky. And now I look into the sky and see a full moon that is thinning and dimming and disappearing before my eyes to the point where I'm not even sure there was a full moon.

As the moon is fading the neighbouring stars around its halo suddenly seem to shine brighter. They were always there, but they never caught my eye until now when the moon and its monthly cycle seem to draw to a close. The stars never go away. They are the oxygen particles in a running river that give the world within a possibility at life. But we don't see the oxygen- we see the hydrogen.
I have been so consumed in my life in Thailand that I forgot to breath- I forgot about the oxygen all around me and I forgot to look up at the stars for direction to go back home. In 20 days, I will go home and will need those stars for direction and for support. Like the stars support the blackness our world falls into at night they will support me and guide me on my journey back to a different world back in Canada.

Never has a world seemed so unfamiliar and intimidating. In 20 days I will leave to make my journey back to the original place that brought me here. A place where I put my life on a hold; my school, my family, my friends. I place where I was comfortable and confident- where opportunity and adventure awaited every move. But now I’m not so sure, of what to expect or how to feel, how big my steps should be, how deep in my pockets my hands should reach.

My expectations and perspective of life and myself have all changed. My life in Thailand as a volunteer has thrown my life into a kaleidescopal turn around to the point where the intriguing and colourful patterns I would have seen are a terrifying combination of sharp limits, ledges and a conspiracy of beautiful pungent colours. If I turn now will the next pattern be as beautiful, will the colours fit as smoothly, will the next stain glass flower before my eyes torment my dreams or shine light on my fears..

Which all lead me back to one terrifying question: was that comforting life i've lived for over 20 years so enriched with an ignorant happiness that it could instantly crumble when I return with this new truth of tragedy and disparity?


The scariest part is that I know the answer where as I would never have known before.

The answer is yes.

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