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Published: December 4th 2013
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Ants have replaced mozzies as public enemy. The cockroaches are meaty and I've seen one snake and one scorpion (a reminder not to go bare foot in the blue room). There are spiders bigger than my hand and once I counted 33 geckos on the way from dinner to my room. No beasties in my room yet but I keep having to leave the door open as Chester the cat seems to have taken up residence in my bed, so it's a matter of time.
There are two dogs, Foxy and Jack. Jack is a racist. When I leave the foundation to run around the lake jack frequently escorts me, belting down the road snarling at any passing Thai on a motorbike, the rider then has to fend him off by trying to kick him in the face. The next part of my route takes us past a pack of angry dogs that jack likes to take on single-houndedly (ha! sorry). He barks at them, they growl and chase us down the road a little bit, which is kind of good because I run faster but kind of bad because jack only has three legs. The next hazard en route
is the herd of water buffalo- they don't really freak me but jack winds them up and they have calves which makes me nervous of the mummy buffalo. They intimidated one girl so much she walked the entire way back around the lake, another sat down and cried until they went away. Pretty sure I will go down in NLF history for getting myself, jack or a local motorcyclist killed during my twenty minute exercise.
Other news:
Some people really grate on my nerves. Kitchen boss "I find the best way to wash the lettuce is to..." Sweetheart, two months ago I managed a business with a turnover of £4 million. I can rinse a lettuce (although if I've been annoyed by a vegetarian I might let a couple of caterpillars slip through). Cow boss "no- that's not where we put the grain bowl" (moves grain bowl a quarter of an inch to the left). Knob.
Drama this morning- a life coach found an empty beer can on the premises. Strange how these events always seem to occur straight after the AA meeting. Some people are very cross- seeing this act as deliberately provoking the
alcoholics. I think the alcoholics are going to struggle in the real world if all it takes to trigger them is hearing about someone finding an empty beer can. A Heineken one at that.
I find myself being drawn into the school yard stuff more and more which is interesting. The person in the lunch queue in front of me took loads of rice today and I wanted to hurt him. The Asian-American-valley-girl-meth-addict who never does any work didn't do any work and I wanted to hurt her. Now I think she wants to hurt me because someone told on her for not doing any work and then I got told I'd done too much work and I could have the afternoon off and I bet she thinks it was me etc etc
While others rehabilitate I have developed an addiction. I can't stop buying ridiculous trousers.
I burn incense ( but only to mask the smell of drains in my bedroom)
I've noticed a change in my intonation such that my sentences rise at the end (not in a Brighton wanky kind of way- more like a conversing with others who speak English as a
second language kind of way, but still. I'll try and beat it out of myself before I come home)
Podometer: still 9 (pod minus calories saved from alcohol minus calories burnt from running plus calories eaten in cornettos equals pod)
My relationship with Lung Noi goes from strength to strength. I have learnt the Thai words for hot and cold so now when we talk it goes:
Me: "hot" (mimes wiping sweat from brow)
Lung Noi "cold" (mimes shivering )
Us : "ha ha ha ha"
He lets me play with really sharp tools and brings me iced coffee and picks me peanuts. Whenever I work with him in my mind I roll a soft focus VT of us going skating and eating ice cream a la kooky American rom-com.
Lost items so far this week: black trousers (aargh! Must buy more), torch, key, bin.
Tonight is Sharers Meeting and this week is the turn of a young British actress (don't recognise her). Currently I'm sitting poolside trying not to overhear her conversation with another resident (honestly!) and I just heard her quote Eat, Pray, Love with gravitas. Somehow I think I'm
gonna have to wait another week for exciting tales of crack dens and guns etc. Even I have more exciting stories than these bloody addicts. My trouser fetish for instance.
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Victoria Cooper
non-member comment
You can't take your own pet!
I can see you are trying to pass Chester off as some new Thai acquaintance, but I can see he's just Bunch. How on earth did you get him past customs? X