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Published: October 8th 2006
This is going to come as a shock to most of you but I, Emma Louise Wade went trekking through the jungle, not only trekking through the jungle but wearing some of the most hideous outfits you ever did see, I had to wear tevas , yes tevas. For those of you not aware Tevas are disgusting sandals that are kinda like sporty Jesus creepers - Jesus creepers indeed! Not a Manolo or Choo in sight!
Anyway on with the actual trek. We arrived in Chiang mai late on the Monday evening and proceeded to a guesthouse that some kind old English guy at the airport recommended, I say he was kind because he was escorting what I can only assume was a friend’s Thai daughter from the airport. Sick sick sick.
Anyway arrived at possibly the worst excuse for a guest house you ever did see with not a soul in sight apart from some crazy French bird. She tried to explain in broken English that we had to call the owner to get a room, out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse at said room and marched my little self right out of there,
this was no guest house, sure it is some sick joke where they lure unsuspecting westerners to torture them.
Needless to say I scooched myself round to the nearest 5 star (so not built for roughing it )
We awoke bright and early to go and book trek, was all very nice with lots of happy pictures of people riding elephants and looking at pretty waterfalls etc etc - little did I know!
Following day the trek guide came to collect us at 9.30 am and we met fellow trekkers, nice mix of people, we had Roen from Israel , Stacy and Kevin from US of A , a couple whose names escape me from Switzerland and a young couple who kept touching each other from OZ. Off we set in our little jeep out of town to the mountains. Stopped off at a market on the way for refreshments - well I ould have rather eaten a my own arm than some of the crap that was at this smelly place , I was immediately put off by the chicken claws that had been deep fried and were lying on a table covered in flies! Managed to find myself
some crisps ,water and a Ya pear (all you fruit people know what I am talking about) and on we went to the foot of the mountain.
Jeep dropped us off and I went to use the toilet before our journey - this was my first clue that something was dreadfully wrong - a whole in the floor - are you frigging kidding me?! Luckily I was armed with 30 packs of baby wipes, toilet roll and after years of practice I have a pretty good aim! Started to rethink trek but didn’t want to be a bad sport so off we set, started walking up a mountain that was 1200m high, needless to say after about 30 minutes of this I thought I may die, I was trailing at the back and pouring water continuously over myself, looked good!! Asked guide if I could walk back down and tried to explain I have the lung capacity of 8 year old and I didn’t think I would make it , he sighed and said “No down , up up up” so I had no choice but to soldier on. Thought at one point about sitting on the floor crying and
pounding hands and fists into mud slide that was apparently trail on said mountain but realized mean guide would just leave me! Was slightly embarrassed when I was over taken by approximately a hundred-year-old woman from local village in flip flops! Anyway after 3 hours I made it ! Could barely walk and legs were shaking and I was a fetching shade of pink but I made it. The only thought that got me up the bloody hill was the thought of shower, food and massage at the top so imagine my surprise when I am shown to my hut - yes hut in a hill tribe village, manky mats on the floor posing as beds and I was sharing with all my fellow trekkers ?!?! Tried to approach wee (crazy guide, sure it’s spelt differently but hey hoo) and demand an explanation and ask him if he knew who I was?! He thrust a bowl of noodles in my face and said “eat a lot , eat a lot” a lot of what I ask you , this was noodle water?!?!
After delicious noodle water ?! We played silly games and got in our manky beds for the night,
not without first being warned not to wander around the village at night as other tribes try to come and steal things and I was likely to be staring down the bareel of and ak47 if I left delightful hut! I cannot stress how glad I was that I had bought a sleeping bag, zipped myself up so all you could see was my face and pulled my mozzie net over me and Kirsty and fell straight to sleep - yaye! Awoke early in the morning to coffee, toast and spider the size of my hand on the mat at the entrance to our hut - lovely! After breakfast off we set again, this time down hill - oh the relief! Was all going well until we seemed to run out of path and veered off into the proper jungle, cannot stress how scared of snakes and jumping tarantulas I was but I braved it, on we ploughed through the jungle until we arrived at lovely waterfall, felt just like cocktail!! Minus Tom Cuise of course. Hung out here for a while and then on we went, this was when it got really hard and we were having to climb
down steep ravines and tightrope walk across bamboo’s on the river, scary stuff. Nothing prepared me for when I had to walk over a log with at least 50ft drop underneath with nothing but my bamboo walking stick - shit my pants, kept humming “hey baby” in my head and pretended I was dancing with Patrick Swayze!
Finally made it to the next village which pretty much resembled the first except the beds had ants in them as opposed to spiders and our hut was next to very fast flowing river which made me need to pee all night! Had a little sample of the local rum and Kirsty got drunk and fell over, all very funny!!
Day 3 - White water rafting, Bamboo rafting and Elephant trek.
Awoke early in the morning after night of heavy rain which leaked on my head all night through the tin roof! Had brekkie with wee shouting “eat a lot, eat a lot” and “oh my buddha”. I ached like you would not believe and had trouble walking down the stairs from my hut gracefully. We then got to the good bit, the elephant ride, this was fun if not little scary, Kirsty
and I ended up with the naughty elephant who insisted on taking us cross country into bushes and walking down hills so we were clinging on for dear life! All good fun though and we fed the elephant bananas which made her happy!
Of f we went after the elephant ride to begin our white water rafting, got myself donned in a fetching orange life jacket and nice matching helmet, I looked GOOD ! Jumped in the raft and began going down really fast river with a little Thai guy in the back screaming “paddle” to me, I thought he must be frigging kidding I was clinging on for dear life, I had managed to put the Americans in the front so they got the brunt of it but I still got absolutely drenched! After this ordeal was over (only actually lasted 10 mins but it was the longest of my life) we went on a bamboo rafts, I thought well this will be nice and relaxing - wrong again , mine actually sunk when I got on! When I managed to get on one that could hold my weight off we went for a nice little float down the
river, this was until I noticed I had water beetles and spiders all over me! Could not control myself and started to scream, all other trekkers (my group and another) all looked at me as though I was crazy, by this time I had had enough and I screamed at them all “sorry to be such a girl about it but I HATE BUGS” they all looked away shaking their heads - Whatever!
Needless to say after all this I was a little tired and am now back in Bangkok recovering - 2 days on! Leaving for Singapore on Tuesday so will update you all when I am there.
GI JANE - Signing off, 10/4
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Megsy
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Pad Thai
Yo chica. Whats with the Teva's??? I hope they were compulsory. You better not stay there too much longer - the beach had to close, Layzelles is now an old folks home and the fish n chips on minster broadway is in serious trouble. Sterling effort on the blog, keep it up and gis some dirt. Sheeeeeeeesh. Bang a gong traveller. Love you xxx