Guest house paradiso 2010

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When I signed in the guesthouse they gave me a third floor room. A week later and I’m still here. I don’t know why put me all the way up here because the place is empty. Perhaps they thought I wouldn’t mind clambering three flights of stairs several times a day, or maybe I just looked the noisy type the staff wanted to section away. There was a time where I’d be proud of both, but that time has been and gone. The lady who handed me the key was half my age. The women she hollowed at to show me to my room was my grandma’s age. Back arched like Notre dame, I followed her slowly up the stairs, my backpack crushing down on my back, I observed her every step with thoughts that my back pack was gonna cripple me in this way too if I didn’t dismount it soon. Once at the door she opened it and looked at me with a beaming smile. Her look suggested that I would be overwhelmed by the room. She was wrong. Of corse I wasn’t expecting the Al Capone suite or the Hilton penthouse, I knew what to expect from a room of 200 baht a night, after two and a half months of living on a shoestring around Asia I was fully aware of what I was in for. The old lady (bless her) scuttled away and I took a second to examine the room. A second was all it took. The room comprised of a single bed, four bare white walls and a tiny little table that looked more like a foot rest, or as my grandma used to call it, a poof. The poof made a great resting place for my hat, my wallet, my fake Ray Bans and my book. There was even room for my camera. Who needs four stars when you can have the simple life? Initially, I chose this place because it boasted Wi-Fi. I didn’t realize til after I’d paid for the room however that the wi-fi was at an extra cost. Being the blissfully tolerant Yorkshire man I am, I simply accepted the fact and went shopping.

Now you can stay in a hundred different guest houses over Asia but they all have similar characteristics. Most will have a young woman (rarely men) who acts as the ‘front house’ representative. This figure usually has the best English speaking skills and it is because of this she acts as the main host. They are generally friendly and will always great you with ‘Sa-wat-dee-krap’ no matter how many times they have seen you that day. These dominatrix of the guesthouse world are the most relevant to the vulnerable traveler and usually can give advice on almost anything that certain town or city has to offer. Don’t piss these cats off cause you never know when they’ll come in handy.

Down the working hierarchy, you have the guesthouse slaves, who I’ve categorized into three classes. The first one is the drone. The drone is a friendly character, male or female, aged between 15 and 21, shy, hard working, always eager to better their English, generally skinny to the point of under malnourished, wears skin tight jeans and will normally be found catering to patrons downstairs in the restaurant. They are, more often than not, warm hearted, timid, honest individuals.

The second is the skiver. Skivers tend to be female and will more than often be found sat on the top floor texting boyfriends or chatting with girlfriends. They giggle a lot when you pay them notice and they’re favorite words are ‘I don’t know’ followed by a fit of chuckles. The skivers couldn’t be anything further than their name suggests, they are the hidden back bone of the guesthouses clean image but you rarely actually see them cleaning. My theory is that they wait til every last person has gone off exploring before they unleash their mops and dusters. Skivers play an important role to the running of a guesthouse and should be treated with just as much respect as their peers. Skivers will generally have the key to all rooms so it’s best not to piss these cats off either.

The third and final worker is the capable granny. Capable granny is older than your Nan by about two decades but is tougher than an Irish gypsy boxer. Eye contact with these beings is rare as most find it difficult to look up due to many years of hard labor endured in rice fields or carrying bricks on a building site. Gran can be found on all floors carrying out random tasks such as unneeded towel changing or wiping an already polished banister. Gran’s main job is to remind bewildered patrons of the fact they’ve idly left their toilet rolls in shared bathrooms and other such idiotic discrepancies we tourist make. These reminders are generally communicated with an innocent thunderous gargle of Thai which is always harmless even if it does sound like you’re being given the third degree.

Joking aside, you’ll very rarely experience difficulties in a guest house in Asia. Staff are usually polite, the rooms basic but clean and they’re a great way to form friendships with other travelers. Approach every place with an open mind and you really can’t go wrong. Welcome to Asia.
Same same but different.

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