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Many people come to Bangkok to either flee from or chase something. In fact, when I first arrived and told people that I had just moved to Bangkok, they asked me in sometimes not so subtle ways whether I was having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I adamantly denied that I was doing anything of the sort. I came in the interest of career goals, I insisted. There was no inner conflict I was grappling with, no demons that brought me to the city of angels. I came to achieve my goal of working in a developing country while still being able to enjoy all that the Thai culture and setting have to offer.
It’s not hard to understand why so many come to Thailand to find an alternative lifestyle. It is exotic and mysterious, with a culture that, unlike the West, values the quiet, the sensitive, the traditional and the prudent. Fleeing from broken marriages, hectic careers or all-around ennui, expats here find the Otherness that Thailand offers to be a perfect escape from their Western realities. This escape may be in a soft-natured Thai woman, an island beach paradise or the hushed corridors of a meditation camp. Despite the Otherness of Thailand, one can still easily access the conveniences of Western life, usually at a fraction of the cost. After all, where else can one get Internet access for pennies while sitting on an idyllic beach?
Most expatriates that one meets in Bangkok, therefore, are able enjoy the worlds of both the East and West. But as a result, culturally speaking, there are few foreigners that immerse in unadulterated local culture. One might say that expatriates anywhere, by definition live between worlds. But in Bangkok, this element of expat living seems to be much more pronounced, perhaps because Thailand does cater so well to foreigners.
Whether it’s from marriage to the single life or from a fast-paced career to a cozy niche as a writer, in the existential sense, expats in Bangkok tend to be neither here nor there, but in a perpetual process to get “there”. While I cannot say that all fit into this category, a quick run-through of the people I have met and friends I have made finds that the majority do.
Although I, too, came to seek out what I thought to be the major missing element in my life—“field experience”—in my mind I was different from the many dreamers that come to Thailand. I had a neatly laid out career plan, and this year in Thailand was just another phase in that plan. I rationalized, perhaps even comforted myself, with the argument that I need this experience to further my career in the development field; that this was the perfect time to do it given that I am relatively young and my boss was accommodating enough to give me the time off; that Thailand was the perfect in between: I could work at the grassroots level in a developing country but still be within reach of the powerful donor world. I would volunteer at a local organization that provides services to abused women while consulting for my firm back in Washington, DC via Internet. At the end of the year, I would go back to Washington to continue working at the policy and management level.
In the build-up to my move to Thailand, I thought that once I arrived and could approach organizations in person, it would be much easier to find good opportunities said organizations. I thought for sure, finding volunteer work, given my skills and education, would be relatively simple. Someway the language would be overcome, or I would pick it up eventually. One cannot make gains without taking risks. Wasn’t that the old adage? In one of those rare phases for me, my excitement overtook rational planning.
Things worked out differently, however. Life took a different course, as it often does. Both consulting and volunteer work were not what I imagined, neither quite as engaging as I had hoped they would be. Since I was working from the other side of the world, I inevitably was more isolated from the rest of my team in Washington, and was even more limited in my ability to take part in projects that unluckily, ended up in Latin America and Africa.
The search for volunteer work was not as easy as one would think. For me, it proved to be a lesson in the Thai art of saying no without saying “no”. Organizations welcomed me to their offices, gave me lovely tours of their facilities and said I would be welcome to come help out “whenever” I wanted. When it came to actually setting up a schedule for me to come, I hardly and in some cases never heard back from them. Was it because I do not speak Thai? Was it because I do not have the right skills? Was it because I was not trusted as a foreigner? I will likely never know, even if I had the chance to ask. If I learned anything about the Thai culture it’s that delivering negative news directly is a no-no, literally and figuratively that is.
When I finally did find volunteer work in Thailand, I ended up doing much of the same that I did in Washington: a lot of paper pushing. I observed a few workshops and meetings in the local community and edited a lot of poor English. On the whole, my direct contact with the community was limited to my encounters with beggars and vendors on the walk to my high-rise apartment, and the occasional exchange of grunts and round kicks with my Thai boxing instructor. Needless to say, my Thai speaking skills did not develop as easily as my overeager self hoped they would.
Soon, the potential mystique of Thai culture dissipated. Perhaps I have become accustomed to it, or perhaps I had imagined it in the first place. Probably more so, I complacently eased into the separate world of Bangkok expat culture. On the one hand, I have quickly adapted to and in many ways, love the art of the “mai pen rai” attitude and the practicality of doing what is “saduak” . On the other hand, the cosmopolitan city-state unto itself that Bangkok has evolved into in recent years, at times, supercedes these Thai-isms.
I found myself rubbing elbows and “being seen” (yet hardly exchanging a word) with the Thai and international glitterati of Bangkok at Johnny Walker parties, fashion shows and model nights at the trendiest clubs. I turned down invites to events such as the La Coste eyewear launch party at the posh Bed Supperclub. Some friends were in disbelief. I was hardly enjoying myself, but it was the thing to do, it seemed.
And so when people asked me whether I like living in Bangkok, I quickly went from saying that I love it, to saying, “Depends on the day, but mostly not.”
Yet if my experience has been mediocre, I suppose I should not be surprised if after all, that is what Bangkok is: the perfect in between. It’s the best of the East meeting the West (I won’t argue that it’s always the best of us that are here); it is not quite developed but far from a Third World backwater; it is a spicy bowl of tom yam soup from a street vendor versus a hotdog at 7-11. I chose it because it provides the ideal balance between the donor and the developing world in one locale. But I guess I must accept all the other in betweens that come with that.
For many people, the access to both Thai and Western lifestyles and cultures may be perfectly fine. It may even be exactly what they are looking for. For me, however, being here nor there is not exactly what I was looking for. More to the point, it does not give me the immersion in a developing country that I had hoped to experience.
By no means was I naïve enough not to anticipate the possibility of things turning out differently than I expected. What was eye-opening, however, was that rather than wanting to run back to the haven of my office in DC, I am compelled to search further for my dream. It turns out I am chasing something as well. I am chasing the dream of mine to truly help women at the community level, not just another step in a carefully constructed plan. I have the life of “hovering in between” that is the essence of Bangkok to thank for forcing me to see this.
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mataho
non-member comment
once again...
...thoughtful, introspective and compelling observations on the complexities of 21st Century llife in BKK. Are you still in BKK?. After your Laos entry I thought you might have gone "home." I often wonder to what degree Thai women welcome true gender empowerment and equality. Thai culture balances on a very different social system than in the west, and often conversations I've had about meaningful change take on a "hush, hush" tone due to the male centric status quo. thanks again for sharing your thoughts...matt