Aqua Does Sri Lanka

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I have discovered - and I kid you not - the funniest thing on the face of this earth. Allow me to elaborate.
My family has long been determined to test my vocal prowess. Shortly after I arrived in Sri Lanka a month ago, it was requested I sing an American song. I refused, citing embarrassment and an utter lack of ability. Until yesterday, I managed to maintain the tenuous grasp on my dignity resulting from the illusion that I might be able to string two or three notes together if pressed. It was yesterday, however, they finally succeeded in making me sing.
“What is the national anthem of your country?” my taattaa asked offhandedly. Rather than wait for the reiteration of my refusal to sing aloud, my taattaa immediately began reciting the Sri Lankan national anthem in a warbling, breezy baritone. Having finished his rendition, he turned toward me in his chair. “Now you.”
With its numerous highs and lows, the national anthem is perhaps the worst song for a person with no musical talent whatsoever to attempt to sing. In typical form, I managed to begin the anthem in the key guaranteed to provide not only unattainable highs, but the deep breathy lows far below my natural range. Having set the worst of precedents the previous night, I failed to be phased by the decision of my family to while away the hours sitting in a circle in the living room taking turns singing songs. As it turns out the rest of my family is at least as bad as me when it comes to controlling their diaphragms.
After the completion of his rendition of yet another song, my taattaa turned to me and said something to the effect of oyaa woeihfraowiejrwa. Often I attempt to repeat the words I cannot understand, so as to ease the process of learning them in the future. “Oyaa woeihfraowiejrwa?” I reiterated. As they often do, my family seized upon this opportunity to laugh at my inability to speak Sinhala. After a few moments and a hurried explanation - oyaa woeihfraowiejrwa, your turn - I asked my family, sing karenne monewade? What should I sing?
“Barbie Girl,” my nangi replied.
“How on earth do you know Aqua?”
My nangi proceeded to bring me a set of books entitled Spoken English written by the Colombo English master Sakvithi Ranasinghe. According to the back panel, Spoken English will help bridge the gab between communicative and linguistic confidence for Sinhala speakers. My nangi had opened volume three to the inside back cover, where the lyrics for Barbie Girl as performed by Aqua were reprinted for the purposes of studying. Flipping through the pages, I discovered the lyrics for Livin La Vida Loca by “Ricky Marting” reprinted on the front inside cover. Other volumes contained the lyrics for Take Me Home Country Roads and You’re My Angel, along with I Want it That Way, Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), and Everybody by the Backstreet Boys.
I asked my amma if she knew the meaning of the lyrics reproduced in the books, and she replied that she did not, which I find just as well considering the lyrics from It Wasn’t Me reprinted in volume two: “honey come in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door, picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bathroom floor.”
I find it risqué, but I have to admit I would love to have a Sinhala book with the lyrics to pop songs reprinted and interspersed within the chapters.
Curious as to the contents of English lessons for Sinhala speakers, I opened the text to discover the following use for the grammatical construction get + past participle: “You can get your urine checked at Glass House.” I suppose this could come up in conversational English, but I, for one, cannot imagine when. In addition to the get + past participle construction, I learned that correct usages of the phrase don’t be include “don’t be a swallen headed fellow,” “don’t be a mad churl,” and “don’t be a gangster.” Correct usages of the word be, meanwhile, include “I can’t be a noodle” and “you can’t be a girl again.” The author seems to have taken a violent turn in writing the section on the phrase construction may as well as correct usages of said phrase include “you might as well give me a slap even,” “you may as well cut me into pieces even,” and “you may as well kill me even.”
I hope this is a popular method of learning English in Sri Lanka. I really cannot wait until someone asks me for a carpel of orange (also known as a couple of oranges).

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