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Published: September 29th 2006
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One of my favorite things to do in Korea (or anywhere else in the world for that matter) is eat out. It is especially fun here because the restaurant per capita statistics are roughly the same as the sheep population of New Zealand (two for every man, woman and child). It’s a wonder any of them stay open, but with constant renovations, really, really big neon signs, plastic emulations of their dishes in a glass display case or massive pictures of cooked food, the restaurateurs persevere in Korea’s saturated market.
The best thing about eating out in Korea is that they fill the table. Every square inch of the table is covered with a bowl of food or a glass. For those who like order (or those who are claustrophobic eaters) this may not be for you. When the meal is finished it looks like 15 starved savages broke in to a kitchen, prepared whatever they could find, and ate it all with their hands (and my chopstick skills are pretty good). The spread at a restaurant here is more like a North American Thanksgiving (volume wise) where there more food than anyone could possibly eat and more booze
than anyone could possible drink but it all gets eaten and drunk anyway.
Koreans love barbeque but they don’t like their barbeques. In Canada a barbeque is a status symbol and a phallic extension of manhood that they brag about ( “I’ve got the Weber X5200 SE with 76,000 BTU’s, three side burners and a massage function”), stroke and polish. Koreans are more like that guy everyone knows who can make a bong out of anything (“Well, we can’t cook this meat without a BBQ, pass me six bricks, two 2x4s and some chicken wire. No bricks? Take the tire rim off your car.”) Eating indoor BBQ can be a painful experience if the fume hoods aren’t working… burning chili burns the eyes. Some BBQ dishes are Galbi (my personal fav), Dak Bulgogi, Sam Get Sal, and fish. Galbi is pork rib meat (minus the bone) filleted and marinated in a soy garlic sauce. This meal in generally consumed with generous portions of Soju (more on soju later). Dak bulgogi is chicken in a spicy red pepper sauce wrapped in lettuce leaves. Lots of beer and rice are needed to consume this meal and minimize “ring sting” (a serious
medical condition suffered by anyone who eats Korean food, characterized by a burning rectum). Sam get sal translates as three bellied pork. It is thick fatty strips of pork belly meal resembling bacon seasoned and bbqed. When asked about the fat content and health concerns of this meal, Koreans will reply, “ It’s good fat.” Fish bbq’s vary between restaurants and events. In restaurants white fish, squid and octopus are popular. The restaurants have fish tanks out front displaying the fresh goods, however when not properly maintained floaters can make for an unappealing sight ( I will also note that a “white fish” is probably the most disgusting looking fish I’ve seen resembling a puddle of diarrhea with eyes… not white at all). At events, there will be an out door bbq setup (literally tire rims and screens) with short stools. For 10,000 won (about $10 CAD) you can get a plate of assorted salted fish and a bottle of Soju. Slap it on the grill, char to perfection and enjoy.
Koreans also love spice. If the food is not spicy or salty it is bland, which is actually true in Korea. It is a statistic that Koreans have
the worst stomachs (cancer, ulcers etc.) because of their addiction to spice. Above mention was the condition “ring sting”. The following dishes may also induce this condition. Jim Dak is chicken served Korean style (chopped up with the bones in) baked in a liquid soy chili sauce along with glass noodles, potato and heart shaped doks (rice cakes of a doughy consistency). Along with “ring sting” a burning mouth, sweats, tears and swollen lips (Jolie syndrome) are side effects of eating this refreshing dish. Bokim bap is fried rice with chili paste and chicken cooked in front of you. The rice is served with a generous portion of chili paste (about a cup and a half) and fried at your table. It is cheap, it tastes good, but it is risky as flying chili sauce spit from the pain can cause sever optical irritation (I saw it happen to Jessie… not pleasant). Kimchi is Anjou (side dish) served with every meal. It is pickled spicy cabbage. I think there is a secret ingredient called “crack” they put in it because it’s really not that tasty but if it’s put on the table I break into sweats and shakes until I
indulge.
Soup is also popular. In fact, most Korean say they have soup and noodles every meal of the day. Ramyen, which are cup noodles, are available in many flavors, most of them spicy as hell. The most dangerous meal to eat is Sam get tang. It is chicken soup served boiling in a dolsot pot. Many Koreans eat this in the summer because it is “good for you in the summer”. I haven’t indulged because the summer here is so hot that consuming warm coffee can produce excessive sweating. The soup is served with sweat bands for the head and wrists as well as super absorbent ass pad (not really but it should be). In the bowl the put and entire chicken, about the size of a Cornish Hen, stuffed with rice, dates and ginseng. You break up the mini chicken and stir it into the soup. I have personally witnessed the same person (Joe, you bastard) choke until blue on bones while eating this meal on three separate occasions. Before he hacked up the bone I thought I would have to give him the Heimlich maneuver. It’s good if you have a cold, but you must exercise
caution.
I will close this blog on food by talking a little about Soju. The most popular variety is Charm Soju which goes for about a dollar. It is like rocket fuel (you could run a lawn mower on it for sure) and is popularly consumed with every meal, especially business meetings. It is not uncommon to see a group of five men go through seven or eight bottles in one sitting. The resulting hangover from even the slightest amount is an experience in pain rivaling having your head smashed with a 10lb sledge hammer and surviving. There are many kinds of Korean “wine” which are flavored or spiced versions of this toxic drink. No matter what anyone tells you, it’s all Soju, it’s all poison (I’ve heard they use it to kill rats and cockroaches), and it’s a sure way to kill some brain cells and have an excellent night out.
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Jessie
non-member comment
Awesome!
You could not have described any better! Brilliant!;)