In December

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It’s strange how the older I get the more things seem to strike me as odd and unexpected. And in that same breath I feel wiser and more able to deal with my surroundings. I am not sure which analogy is more apt but sometimes I feel as if I have been standing on the shore of life for so long that my feet have become well anchored to the seas of time and other times I feel like a buoy that stands as a beacon point for others and while my life my undulate up and down in the waves of time I never really move anywhere. I see so many coincidences in my everyday life that force me to believe there has to be something more guiding it along. Is it me? I am I the one anchoring myself down?

I’ve taken every active effort I can find to facilitate change and movement and yet here I am always have been. I strive for greatness but never feel that I realize my full potential. i strive for intelligence yet my intelligent constantly feels dwarfed when compared to those around me. I resort to lies and cheap deceptions to avoid anyone actually getting to know anything substantial about me, weary that if I let my gaurd down for one minute I will have let the whole deluge that is my doom swallow me whole.

I asked for love and the universe delivered ten fold, and I am still not happy. I asked for money and once again the universe delivered and still happiness eludes me. I asked for adventure only to find that while fearless in jumping off of mountains I still cant find the courage to accept who I am. I am starting to think maybe I am asking for too much ~ maybe I’ve gotten greedy.

I am convinced that there is some sort of evolutionary or perhaps theological reasoning behind creatures such as myself. Those with the unquiet mind that just keeps driving idle thoughts. Examining each situation as if I was reading the book that is my life. Standing third party to all that goes on around me. Drinking it in, and trying my hardest to relate to the character that is outwardly potrayed through my body. A body I’ve yet to grow fully comfortable with. Then again maybe I am just lazy. Who knows for sure…

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