An Explanation of My Unstamped Visa

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So I'm sorry for the recent failure at blogging. Recent events and situations have kept me pretty preoccupied in addition to the normal busyness of traveling. Unfortunately those same events are probably causing a lot of people to want to hear from me, so I'm going to try and give some reasoning here.

In case you're reading this and are really confused, I've decided I won't be studying in China this fall, and will come back to ISU instead. I'm actually sitting in the Singapore airport right now, in transit, waiting for my next flight to leave in about 10 hours. In a fashion very typical to me, it was a pretty sudden decision. I brought it up one evening, and by the next morning I was booking flights and sending emails to 30 different offices in order to get everything organized. I wouldn't say it was easy, but it's definitely right.

I heard there might be a lot of people who were concerned about why I'm doing this, so I guess I'll try and explain a little. But some of it I just can't explain.

I suppose, to make it simple, I could just say that my heart wasn't going to be in it, and I knew it. Before I even left I knew that this was a different trip. I didn't have quite the same emotions I've had before, I had very different things on my mind than before, and really I wasn't as all-out obsessing about it as I had before. Lots of things probably contributed to this... recent family events, a change in perspective, an assessment of priorities, thoughts about what I might be missing in America, more thoughts of friends and family in America than I should have while trying to travel....

Like a said, there's a lot. Maybe one day I'll actually sort it all out.

But I was still going to go. And I still did go. But... the longer I was gone the more it nagged at me. Under the surface, so that I didn't even really know what I was thinking. The feelings just kept growing, and I just couldn't help but wonder if I was doing the right thing. It was a pretty unfamiliar feeling for me - I might not know what I'm doing but I also don't doubt myself. When it finally came up in conversation with Rachel, it was like all the doubt I had fell on me at once. It probably didn't help that I was getting extremely stir-crazy on Ko Tao... but I think lazing away at a tropical paradise only helped enforce in my mind what was important.

Really, I knew what I should be doing. But I was hesitant. I think that more than anything, I didn't want anyone to think that I was running away from being abroad, or that it was anyone's fault other than mine. Luckily I have some very cool friends, who probably told me exactly what I needed to hear. I'm not backing out of studying abroad; I'm forcing myself not to run away from my life.

What it came down to, I guess, is regret. When doubts come true they turn into regrets, and I wasn't going to let that happen to my doubts. And that's why I know this is right... regret isn't my thing. Do I still have some? Yeah. I definitely should have figured this out earlier than 2.5 weeks after leaving and 2.5 weeks before getting to China. And there's others. But I'll deal with that.

And I'm realistic. China definitely isn't going away anytime soon, and I'm only 21 years old. I'll go sometime, even if I'll have an unstamped visa when I do.

Sorry if this is confusing or completely uninformative... just know it's completely my decision and I am totally confident in it. Some things I can't explain, maybe not even to myself yet.



Phew. Ok, now that I've got that out of the way, let's see if I can write about something a little more fun.

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