The end of Japan . . .

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I'm flying home tomorrow morning (Japan time), landing in the evening (UK time). I feel like I've been here ages, and also like I've hardly been here at all. Bizarre. I have loads of photos (mostly of herons and hawks), far too many souvenirs, and an interesting 4-months' worth of memories.

It's been bloody hard work, frankly. But, mostly, that's because of me, not Japan. I've not taken to the place (but that's down to my own feelings and tastes), I've missed Edinburgh, university, 84/3 Marchmont Rd., my friends and my family!!! I've had some very low times, and no really good ones. I've had to deal with the embarassment I feel at coming back so early after making such big plans (at least I did always say all plans were provisional - I wasn't totally dumb).

But . . . I think it has also been worth it. At least I've tried working abroad (something I've always wanted to do). If I decide to give it another shot, or have to move abroad one day, at least I will be a bit better prepared. I have also learnt a few things about myself: in particular, my strong need for a secure base, a sense of being rooted somewhere. I like to travel - but I like to have somewhere to come home to, and I don't have that at the moment. And I can't make myself put down roots any old where.

I've also realised that I really did like Eng Lit as much as I thought I did (I really really really miss reading and researching!) so I will be able (funds permitting) to pursue a masters with far more confidence than if I had gone straight on to it. I've also realised just how safe, secure and "at home" I felt in Edinburgh - which means my choice of postgrad-university and potentially my long-term home has been made for me easily.

And, it's not the end of everything! I have a rather busy but pleasent November coming up, followed by (I hope) temp work over Xmas. I'm then off to the Middle East for a month (I figured I'd get back to travelling via somewhere I know I love). Turkey for two weeks, Jordan for a long week, and then 10 days in Egypt, where I plan to realise another long-term dream and learn to dive. My gap year is far from over! Moreover, I should come back from Egypt with plenty of funds left (though doubtless chai, scarves, sandels, soap, etc. will all eat a hole in it!) for one more trip - so, after spending a little time back in Sheffield in February, hopefully finalising uni plans (or deferring them so that I can work and save for a year first) I'll be off again - to who knows where?

I'm not going to get sentimental and cheesy and say crap like Japan has helped me find myself. I'm still chronically indecisive, change my mind all the time, don't know what I want, and all the old problems are still very much with me. But I do think I've learnt a few useful things, and while I can't pretend to have enjoyed the past 4 months, I don't regret them at all.

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