Taj-Tastic

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So, after three beautiful weeks of sharing a car and some enthralling conversations with Sanjay we finally got to the last leg of our trip with him, and as expected we had one last lovers tiff.

After driving for about 5 hours form Jaipur to Agra we finally arrived at a rather shitty hotel in the middle of nowhere with a creepy manager that looked like his front teeth had started to be extracted but then someone just gave up. After checking in and realising there was no electric due to 'power surges' we went down to arrange what we were doing about the Taj the next day with Sanjay.

Unfortunately despite me asking him repeatedly about something called the Ghost City and him saying he didn't know what I was on about, we then found a copy of our itinerary that stated in big clear, bold letters 'today on the way to Agra your driver will stop and take you to the Ghost City'. Shocker. I showed Sanjay the itinerary and very calmly explained that we would still like to go and he literally had a spaz out. ''I no go there now! It 35 kilometer away - this your fault not mine - I not go now, your fault!! Too far! YOUR FAULT!'' This was delivered in shouting teenager voice which went down a treat with a hungry and pissed off Jaz that was hungry and had no electric to charge her camera before going to one of the seven wonders of the world the next day (and you know how I like a picture). We ended up screaming at each other and I basically told him that it WAS his bloody fault as I blatantly asked him about the Ghost City and he played dumb and said he didn't know what it was, even though it turned out to be on our itinerary that he KNEW off by heart and that he would bloody well take us if I had to drag him there by his beer belly or make a magic trail of whisky or prostitutes for him to follow and it was tough luck for him that it was 35 kilometres away - he would just have to spend a few extra Rupees on petrol instead of whiskey and high risk syphilis sex (I didn't actually say that bit) :p

I then stomped up stairs to tell the others about what a first rate dildo he was being and then when all three of us came back down to leave he could NOT have been nicer - as if he hadn't just screamed like a banshee at me about having to take us to somewhere he was supposed to in the first place. I could have literally punched him in his beer gut. Instead I sat indignantly silent in the back of the car and tried my best not to catch his stupid slimy face in the rear view mirror. Things calmed down pretty quickly though, I guess because we all knew it was coming to the end and Sanjay knew this meant tip-time so he'd have some making up to do.

Anyway, 35 kilometres later we arrived at the Ghost City, which was well worth the spat with Sanjay over. It was once some sort of capital and had this massive great mosque that towered over loads of ruins and had some of the biggest man-made walls and archways I think I've ever seen. I don't know if it was the location or just being worn out from Sanjay but some guy padded over to us and asked us to come and see his trade, and for once, we actually did. He led us over to a hidden corner of the pillars and archways where him and his friend were selling 'hand carved' marble elephants with baby elephants carved inside of their hollowed out middles. They were pretty cool and I think we all got carried away with the idea of having a little trinket on the mantle piece that we could say we bought from a local village man at a mosque in a Ghost City....oh aren't we super cool! So we handed over our 500 rupees thinking we'd bought three carved elephants out of a rare hundred that are made in a village up a hill every year just to rock up in Agra to be confronted with a few hundred more on the local street stalls. Brilliant. I swear sometimes we have "GULLIBLE TOURIST - PLEASE RAPE ME FOR EVERY RUPPEE I’M WORTH” tattooed across our foreheads. Still, you gotta laugh.

So after that it was fiinnnnnaaaaallllly Taj Day 😊 This involved getting up VERY EARLY and queuing for a longggggg time to be able to walk into the big gates just as the sun is rising. Now I'm not one for an early morning, but it was bloody worth it. The Taj really is one of those things that's just awesome. The Raj built it for his favourite wife (number 14) as a tribute of his love after she died giving birth to his child. Considering its a few hundred years old, it hasn't aged at all and the marble glistens under the sunlight. It really is stunning. A few years after he finished building it his son over threw him for the throne then locked him in Agra Fort (opposite the Taj across the river) with a small window to look out and stare at his beloved building until he finally died there a few years later, all alone. Lovely. You gotta love a monarchy, it's better than an episode of Eastenders.

Still, it is very sad, and I don't know if it's that or just how beautiful the building is but it's one of the most calmest and serene places you can ever visit, even with the other tourists all jumping about trying to get pictures of them looking like their holding the Taj in their fingertips or on top of the palms of their hands- classic cheese at it’s best. Not that we were any better - mine and Matt’s jumping shot took several painstaking attempts of us looking like complete fannys before we got the money shot. Still, it's gotta be done :p We were really lucky as it was really misty when we got there so it had an extra sort of atmosphere to it and then the mist started to clear so we could get some better photos just before we left. I look crap in all of them due to the 5am start time but they are still pretty cool - massively cool - it's the bloody Taj!. Then three western girls rocked up in Saris and full on flowing hair and manicured nails as we went to leave and I got a bit of Sari envy. I've decide I will have to go back just to pad around in a sari if nothing else. It really was pretty spesh though - well worth a hop on a plane for :p

So after seeing the Taj close up we went across the river to the fort to check it out from a distance. It was here I got my first experience of rejection from fame. 5 Indian men in turbans came over and asked Matt for a picture and pointed in mine and Dodds direction (they like to ask his permission as we are his women). Then as I positioned myself next to one of them that had his arm round Dodds he sort of did a funny gesture. I thought he meant move closer, so I did, but then I realised he was asking for me to move out the way, as in completely out of the shot. He just wanted Dodds - as did the four others that then waited to pose for a picture with her as I stood indignantly to one side like a rejected has-been. My fame was over. I am now the Jodi Marsh of India picture posing. It hurts more than I can explain. And I didn't even make a huge tit of myself first - just rejection without any explanation. I told you my hair was shit.

After that travesty we popped over to the wasteland to get some quirky "Taj against sullen backdrop" shots and I convinced Dodds to give the 'holding the Taj' pic a shot. So when you see one of her in front of it with her arms in the air like a big gay it’s because I thought it was funny to make her think she was actually doing it. This was then reciprocated….several times.

After that comical gold we headed to the train station and finally said our goodbye to Sanj. I'd like to say it was a tearful and heartfelt event but he basically took our tip and then said 'only 2000? You give me 1000 more?' Subtle Sanjay Strikes again. Dodds explained to him as if she was talking to a very simple child that a tip is a kind gesture and is not compulsory and that was a lot of money for what we had and he should be grateful so we had a nice hug goodbye and that was the end of Sanjay. After 3 weeks of looking forward to it and he was finally actually gone! I guess it was a bit sad - we sort of got used to him, like you do with a mangy family dog that's a bit grumpy and you don't really like. Because it's there every day you sort of grow attached - like you do to an arm wart or a returning spot. Still he had his good points, I can't remember an awful lot of them now but they were there. Bless his little cotton underpants. I hope he gets some nice old over enthusiastic Germans next that will tip him well and enjoy his sexy talk.

And that was Rajasthan. 3 weeks and a lot of forts later and we are almost, almost at a beach 😊 Not that we are counting down or anything, it would just be nice to sunbathe on some actual sand rather than when waiting outside another palace listening to an audio guide tell us for the 50th time about the women who live behind the slats. It's sad and all but we came and we liberalised them a wee bit (the British I mean, not me Matt and Dodds ) and they have MTV now so life is on the up. And I really would like a nice tan...and some cheap beer...and a few lay ins. We've been cultural for a VERY long time now! Still one more city to go, probs the most cultural of all what with all the dead bodies (Varanassi is where they cremate their dead by the river) then its beach time baby.....bring on the tanning oil :p

Jasmine Asiapants, over and out.

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