“You Gotta Keep the Devil Down in the Hole”

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Title quote from theme song of The Wire, HBO





Jibhi, Saraj Valley, Himachal Pradesh, India



Oct 19^th 2014



“Though there will be many negative thoughts, I will turn them all around”

Buddhist daily pledge





I need to request indulgence with this blog.... perhaps the 'location' of this blog is not India at all but 'Paul's mind'.

After a recent post of a picture to FaceBook, a friend had commented how she just loved the life I was leading. My immediate response was that my life is no better or worse than most, albeit I tend to spend a lot of time in fantastically peaceful environments. I am lucky. But I still have 'me' to contend with (which I pretty well accept 'as is'); my 'monkey mind'; and I must continually practice consciousness (watching the movie without getting sucked in). One of the drivers for taking me to the great places I get to live in, is the energy they give me to be positive, to live with myself with inner integrity, and to not burden those around me with what I know is 'me'.

But today was one of those 'challenging' days. It does not happen too often, but I woke up facing a 'black dog' (depression). My 'monkey mind' demons were rampant. It happens. It was one of those 'under the doona days' (a term coined by one of my best friends who suffers from periodic depression and has adopted the strategy of sometimes just going back to bed and burying herself under the doona). In fact today, after slowly doing my stuff (my daily strategies, if you like, to keep it real and keep it positive) and still feeling prone to depression, I also took myself back to bed to bury myself under the doona.

I figure that what my mind does on these days is not unique. I figure that those ontological plague questions of 'monkey mind' such as “Am I good enough?” followed by “I am not good enough” … as applied to all manner of things (what I am doing, what I have done, my current relationships, my past relationships and rejections, my efforts to be close to people and accepted by them) are shared by many human beings on this planet. I think we sometimes miss this in our ego-centricity..... we are not alone. It's normal even.

I also know that there is brain chemistry at work here, the realisation of which helps a lot with a self message of “this too will pass” and allows me to just go through the routine of 'my stuff' (being meditation, tea-making process and quiet sit, a few pages of some uplifting text, yoga … preferably in the sun, and a delightful breakfast of nuts and fruits and sprouts and oats or anything else I have to put together).

Usually the sub-surface crap that wants to emerge from 'monkey mind' is well quietened by 'my stuff' … it all gets back in it's box and leaves me to be conscious in the 'now'. My good fortune of course is that I am living a lifestyle that allows me to have slow mornings. Some might argue that having a tight and demanding routine is also a strategy.... and the question is how much of what we do is just distraction from the mundane because we don't want to face our demons (not to mention peeking over the edge of emptiness, non-permanence, and meaninglessness), and how much is us adopting conscious awareness and being 'here now'? Maybe a bit of both, and hence the relative challenge of practising what seems to be relatively easy.... just being in the moment.

But today, having risen at 5.30am and gone through my slow morning routine (and on days like this I slow it right down) and all the ways I know to shift my brain away from the demons, I decided at about 11am (it being a really glorious day) to lift myself up and take myself walking. I remembered that I had been told by a good friend here that there was a great water hole tucked away in privacy up the river, and figuring the midday sun would soon be on the pool, that's where I headed. I had decided that I did not want or need to see or talk to anyone today. The dilemma of telling a small lie to the question of “How are you?” vs entering into complicated or awkward explanation through a truthful answer, led me to just feel like being alone. And I wanted to move through this crap myself (stoic bastard that I am).

Immediately of course (of course), getting going somewhere amidst beautiful nature took me away from myself and into a more general consciousness. It's inevitable. On passing locals working in the fields I also contemplated my self-absorption amidst people just getting on with the basic necessities of life. Still, knowing several locals now in this valley, I am aware that 'black days' are not avoided just because you happen to live in paradise. The human condition prevails.

As I approached the pool, I was fully taken in by it all. The sun was almost gone (only now shining on a rock at the side) but it took about ½ a second to decide that I was going to take a baptism of renewal. Mind you, I probably stayed in the water all of 10 seconds. Let's call it 'bracing', being mountain waters coming off the snow-caps. I came out shouting.... then singing.... and then squatting on the sun-drenched rock blowing tones through cupped hands. Shocked into life......

The way back along a different trail (I had taken the road up) was strewn with natural glory. Half way I ran into the friend who had told me about the pool, and I invited her and her two friends to drop by my place on their way back. I cooked them chowal and sabje paneer (rice and cheese vegetable curry). And so I did speak to people today, and was able at one point to declare I had woken up 'black'.

And so it goes. Tomorrow will be a new day.

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Comments

[Jo]

the journey
having seen the FB pic days ago I found myself reflecting on your condition and chatted with Ray about how it is for you ... Belonging in this never ending journey across fields, streams and mountains; across borders, cities and towns... And having a finely tuned understanding of doona days I can 'resemble' your waking up dark, straying to nature for solace and returning to cook for your friends... the perfect end to a challenging internal day... ps I hate autocorrect ... but I love you ? wishing you a light awakening tomorrow pps Blake turns 40 in 2 days xx

[Home and Away]

Thanks for sharing your inner demon of depression...
my son also fights his...low serotonin levels in the brain, etc. He's off meds now...frenetic activity and lots of work in law school keep him preoccupied. As you say, a balance of "under the dooma" and activity help.

[taracloud]

Lucky you in fantastically peaceful environments
Walking in nature has always been my cure for everything, and I do it daily as a preventative. Loved your Buddhist quote and used it today as I walked through noisy, crowded streets to get to my tranquil park. Traffic and peace, negative thoughts, monkey mind and bliss--like you said, all a part of life. Glad you made it through.

[mahadev]

your pics
Finally your pics did load... WOW.... so so so nice.... And here too (though not Condors) are huge eagle hawks up around the 3,000 mtr mark... when I climb high they invariable glide past close enough to wink at..... "Bright the Hawks Flight on Empty Sky"

[Marguerite]

Everything passes
My dear Paul It is so true - and old friend of mine once said 'if it is really bad - it will pass' likewise 'if it is really good it will pass'...........'so learn to live in the now'!!!! Easier said than done, but I am adopting some of your strategies and yep, walking through that divine environment would do it. I need to get off this rock and travel. Best hugs Marguerite

[RJT]

A new day
Like Tara I loved the Buddhist quote - it's one I haven't heard before. I also like "tomorrow is a new day". It's helpful to find these little mantras for "doona days". Or "duvet days" as us NZers would call it!

[mahadev]

Daily aspirations
That pledge is one of four (Buddhist stuff is often in rounds of 4 it seems :) ). They are aspirational of course.... 1. Though there are many beings I will save them all; 2. Though I have many negative thoughts I will turn them all around; 3. Though the dharma (Buddhist way based on impermanence and 'just this') is deep, I will immerse myself fully; and 4. Though the road is long I will walk it all. So it goes.... we can but be on the path! Any travel plans?

[D MJ Binkley]

You are not alone
We are sending you some positive energy. Hope you can spend some time today meditating and drinking tea. I'm fortunate not to have struggled with depression but when we are on long trips or sabbaticals we get worn out- socially, physically, mentally, truly sensory overload. We've learned we have to stay in one place for a length of time (which we know you do). This helps us pull out of it. We sit for a few days, drink a glass of tea,wine, beer and read a book. Shut the world out and enjoy the quiet. Traveling is amazing but you can only absorb so much at a time. Glad you found the pool that shocked you back into the here and now. Happier times are ahead. It is good you know yourself well enough to move past the dark times.

[mahadev]

thanks guys
I feel like you guys are guardian angels looking over me.... nice