Indian TV (Hilarious)

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Indian TV is hilarious.

On our first day in India, while taking a break from the hectic streets of New Delhi, we turned on the TV in our hotel and surfed the channels.

Indian TV is so busy!

Meg and I are that couple who will tell you about how we don't own a TV in our house because if we did, we wouldn't be able to help ourselves from watching it all the time.

And I'm that guy who, while out at a bar or restaurant with a TV (or 12) on, ignores everything and everyone around him, staring vacantly at the flashing lights and pretty colors while absentmindedly sipping my beer. It doesn't matter what's on - Nascar, the evening news, plotless movies withs lots of explosions, golf - the TV always commands my attention. Even baseball becomes interesting to me.

But American TV has nothing on Indian TV when it comes to flashing lights and commanding your attention. Indian TV one-ups (or two-, or three-ups) any distractions American TV offers.

Thankfully, these distractions are not at many restaurants (which I've been to a lot) or bars (which I haven't been to yet), but while watching TV itself.

MTV is the worst offender.

Note to American twenty- and thirty-somethings complaining about how MTV doesn't play music videos anymore: come to India for your music video fix.

Out of the several dozen channels our hotels typically get, at least three seem to be devoted solely to music videos. One channel shows exclusively Bollywood music and dance clips. This Indian style presents itself with typical Bollywood flair - a male and female lead (who fill the roles of The Hero and The Beauty) both dancing, at least one (usually both) singing, backed by at least a hundred elaborately dressed, and rather impressive dancers. About half the shots include The Beauty's hair blowing in the inexplicable wind that always seems to arrive when The Hero gazes upon The Beauty in Bollywood films and music. The other half display The Hero flexing his muscles to crowds of Indian woman, who consistently swoon and sometimes collapse. All the while, dancers in bright and colorful costumes continue to jump, yell, smile, swing their heads and shake their shoulders to the elaborately choreographed dance.

After a bit, we realized that these clips are taken straight out of Bollywood movies and TV shows. One channel shows nothing but these clips, while another channel includes "zero breaks," that shows one of these videos, listing which movie or TV show it's from, instead of a traditional commercial break. The movie or TV show gets its advertisement, while the viewer sees more of what she wants - Bollywood singing and dancing.

VH1, meanwhile shows American music videos - I saw the new Eminem video (he's still as angry as ever) and a few other rap videos before switching back to Bollywood.

MTV is somewhat of a hybrid between these two channels, showing exclusively Indian music videos - professionally produced, stand-alone music videos much like those we watch in the states, but with distinct Indian style. Some, but not all, of the music videos are Bollywood singing and dancing. Others feature romantic duets produced with an unembarrassed throwback to 1980's American videos - one video I saw three times in one day displayed a woman in a red dress singing to an Indian Fabio, complete with a thin white shirt that displayed his chiseled chest, across the vast space of a dessert that looked like Utah. They even sang to each other while standing on top of a giant natural stone archway. I'm glad she was able to keep her balance in her high heels!

All this I watched while distracted, for a dozen things were going on on the screen at once, in addition to the video. The MTV logo kept changing colors and flashing, as if it thought itself a backup Bollywood dancer. At the bottom of the screen, a newsfeed scrolled by, displaying pop culture news, complete with its own opinions and obscure references on the news. "A recent study of 135 rivers in India show significant pollution and impact on fish populations. So I guess it's so long and thanks for all the fishes?" "Queen Elizabeth has given a Christmas broadcast every year but 1969 since her inauguration in the 1950s. Maybe it was the best year of her life?" The newsfeed also includes pop culture updates on Bollywood stars, sports, and online Twitter comments about an impressive variety of random topics.

Above the newsfeed, flashing colors and lights danced by, as if stolen from a Macbook's screensaver. And anytime anybody on screen was shown smoking (mostly on VH1, or on any number of Hollywood movies shown on other channels), plain white text was over-imposed on the screen: "Smoking is deadly. Smoking kills."

These distractions continued during the commercial break, which kept even the channel logo onscreen. One thing I really appreciated during commercials was a countdown until the end of the commercial break, underneath the channel logo.

Frequently during a program, advertisements flash across the screen obtrusively, blocking part of the screen. Many of these ads are in a corner, but a fair amount of them take up the bottom center of the screen, advertising another TV show - similar to some ads on American TV that are growing increasingly common.

All this makes for some very amusing entertainment. I love to escape the busy and hectic experience that is the streets of an Indian city in favor for the busy and hectic experience that is Indian TV.

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