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Published: November 13th 2008
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Drivehawk
Last time i let Tara comb my hair in the morning Save the Polar Bears and End the British Occupation of Northern Ireland
I’m going to take a stand for women kind today. I am now admitting, that there is a small, tinsey wincey chance that women may pooh or fart. Living within close proximity to several of them over the last two months has made me rethink my stance. I knew Shelley did, but she’s not a woman, she’s a Brelly. And we can, and do, anything we want.
We made a full loop of Ireland the last few days and I am beat. Ireland isn’t that large, but a majority of it’s current roads were built by the Vikings that founded the land and the ongoing freeway building by the European Union Construction crews that are moving slower than Andy Rooney’s painful to watch, drawn out death. I did finally get a hold of some yum yum sushi the other night after a month and a half of torture Have you ever noticed that eating sushi makes you horny or after sex you feel like sushi? Now there is a college thesis study. I expected the 20 hours in the car with Cheryl and Tara giggling and telling
Peter Pan Complex
I don't want to grow up dumb tales of Santa Barbara to be excruciatingly painful, but thanks to Abba and the sights, it was an awesome road trip, with the exception of Cheryl wondering, “do you guys smell cupcakes,” every time I put on chapstick and the non stop nausea caused by Tara’s driving on the shitty roads. I also came up with a great idea to save the polar bears. I call it Operation Sheep Drop. See Ireland has too many sheep, especially Northern Ireland. I was thinking they could just fly a 747 Jumbo Carrier plane in about once a month and scoop up like a 1,000 of those sweater goats, strap on some parachutes and start air dropping them in areas where there is no longer food for Polar Bears. Get on it Obama. Yes we can.
Northern Ireland was a blast in fun, family and history. For those who don’t know the history you have several resources. First and foremost consult the Olivedome gangster wall. Secondly, I suggest wikipeding the following terms; The Troubles, the hunger strike 10, Bobby Sands and Belfast history. It’s an amazing story, but with a poor ending, seeing as the island monkey red coats of England
Emo Gas Station
Where Davey Havok gets his gasoline. still control the place. Putting that aside, the whiskey and beers are cheap and the English love French fries smothered in gravy, which just happens to be one of my favorite treats as well. We drove through Belfast after lunch and explored the many murals that adorned the city walls. There are people/spy cameras everywhere, alcohol free zones and police stations with 30-foot high barbed wire brick walls on every other block. The western side of Belfast looked like a prison state at ease, with trouble just a few pints away. I was disappointed to learn that Bobby Sands grave was very far off the trail and we needed to get up to Giant’s Causeway before dark. It’s always important to visit the graves of a member of the gangsta wall. I knew i was in for a treat in Belfast when within 5 minutes of entering Northern Ireland i saw a wall with, "a vote for police, legitimizes British rule," spray painted on it. I saw very few graffitti free walls after that.
Our Bed and Breakfast at the Causeway was tits. It had a game closet, scary pictures on the walls (which I think weren’t meant to
The Badlands
The last dry picture of me in Northern Ireland be scary) and a futuristic shower that looked like a cryogenic freezing chamber. It led me to begin my, “Saint Johnny Mexico’s Traveler’s Guide to Bed and Breakfast Done Proper,” blog, which should be finished after the 8 hour train ride to Madrid tomorrow night. The Causeway was pretty impressive, but nothing compared to the rope bridge. Nothing says lack of intelligence like crossing a rope bridge when you’re entire body is wet and frozen. The experience was like something out of a Princess Bride’s sequel, which is probably why Tara had such a jubilant childlike grin the entire time we spat in the face of death and walked across that thing to take more pictures. Just so everyone knows, and this includes all the Irish, who deny it, it snows a lot in Northern Ireland in October.
That night we ended up at Tara’s third cousins, nieces, grandpas, sisters, mom’s roommate from high school sons for dinner. They live so far out in the cuts, we had to meet the lady in town and follow her to the house. I drove with Tara’s third cousin’s, nieces, grandpas, sister’s, mom’s roommate from high school’s wife, and prayed to a
Brige dofu Angelina Jolies' Vagnileah
THe Bridge Over Angelina Jolie's Vagina god I don’t believe in that we would survive the hellish ride that she took me on. Being a native and hungry, and ignoring her new born baby in the backseat, she attempted to kill us at every dark turn and hill she came across. Now, I’m an insane, fast driver that way when I have adopted children, I will have gotten the need to cheat death every time I get in a car, out of my system. This woman took a different approach at life and tried to kill me. I don’t know if it was because I was at the top of the world or because I was happy to be alive, but when I got out of the van and looked straight up, I had never seen so many beautiful and bright stars in my life. It was like the first time I heard Bad Religion.
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emily and i set up that gas station years ago...