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Published: August 19th 2017
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I have found myself dead center of a swirling vortex of friend-making obstacles. I’m a 41 year old INFJ childfree expat living in a migrant city that is younger than me. Now, three of the five obstacles are by choice. I chose to be childfree. I chose to be an expat. And I chose to live in Shenzhen. But these circumstances have had consequences. Currently, if it’s 9pm and I’d like to go hang out and have a drink with a friend, I don’t have anyone that I can call. Zip. Zilch. No one.
Now, before I complain, I’d like to praise. I have amazing friends. I have childhood friends that are as close to me as family. I have a very close friend in Shenzhen (you know who you are and you know I love you even though you can’t stay out all night with me anymore because you have a baby). I have a good friend that lives in a neighboring city. I am truly blessed in the relationships that I have. Let’s get back to my complaint…
I am an outgoing introvert. I do enjoy meeting people to an extent and I like going out and doing all that extrovert stuff but with an introvert twist. I loathe small talk. I detest large gatherings of acquaintances. I love going out for a drink, for dinner, for karaoke, for anything, but with my group of inner circle friends. Maintaining that inner circle is challenging. Why?
Because friends start/have their own families. I’m 41 years old. I’m childfree. These two things combine to create a fairly high hurdle. You see, most people my age are married and have children or are divorced and have children. At any rate, most have children and don’t have the time or the money to travel/go out/have fun/do anything with their friends. And if they did have time, what would they talk about? Their kids. And that’s great for them, but not for me. I’ve tried hanging out with the moms and dads and I sit in silence because I have nothing relevant to add to their conversations. “Just hang out with people who don’t have kids.” you say? Sure! I’ve done that. The ones I can connect with are five to ten years younger than me. They’re on the cusp of getting married and having kids. They join the other side pretty quickly. More than ten years younger and I just feel like I’m babysitting. This being older and childfree issue is a problem for many back home. So let’s add a couple more obstacles.
Because friends go back to their hometown. 37 years ago Shenzhen was a fishing village. It is now a first tier city with a population around 20 million. That population has a fairly high turnover rate. In China, the idea of a ‘hometown’ is very important. And Shenzhen is the “hometown” of relatively few. People come here to work for a while, then they return to their hometown. A few years ago I had a wonderful group of Chinese friends that formed among my adult students, about ten of them. We hung out a lot, having dinner, going to the park, going out for karaoke, having game nights. It was such a great time. Eight of that ten are gone now, returned to their hometowns or transferred for work. I still miss that time. I had gotten quite attached to them. And ever since then, I’ve been reluctant to make friends among my students again.
Because friends leave the country. The expat population is even more variable than the Chinese population. Most expats come here for a year to two then leave. From the moment an expat makes Shenzhen their home there is a finite amount of time on the clock. Long term expatriates are the exception, not the rule. I’ve had more expat friends than I can count. They come. They go. New ones come. Then they go also. This year two of my very good friends moved back to the US after ten years in Shenzhen. For the first time in my expat life, I’m living in Shenzhen without them here. Even the long term expats leave eventually.
So there it is. Nearly eight years of watching friends come and go have made me a little gun shy about making new friends. It’s like adopting a senior dog. You know the relationship is going to be amazing and fulfilling but also you know it will end in two or three years with you feeling sad and lonely. I don’t say all these things for pity. There’s no ‘woe is me.’ I live this life by choice and I accept the consequences.
I say these things to remind everyone that every life choice has positives and negatives. I love being an expat. I love being able to travel so much and experience so much living abroad. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. But sometimes, every once and a while, I wish I didn’t have to do it alone. Damn, it really hurts my introvert pride to admit that.
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Home and Away
Bob Carlsen
Thanks for sharing your circumstances...
I've been in your shoes as an expat, living 18 years in Europe, with friends coming and going. What's a terrible irony is that going home to family and friends is not a solution as everything has changed...they've moved on with their lives. On the bright side, I now have friends all over the world. Of course, it's difficult to get together, but I can still communicate. I hope you feel that your TB family is there for you, and many share your sense of loneliness. Don't stop trying to make friends.