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Published: April 21st 2006
Pissa-Haa?
Beertjie, Chewy and Nicns concede they will have to settle for skewered pets.If there is one single observation about China we all agree on, it is that there is not enough time in the day. Wake up at 8am, forage for breakfast, meet up with Peter, stagger around 170,000 square metres of floor space, forage for lunch, return to hotel, massage, try to survive dinner, go out and return to hotel at 3am, wake up at 9am, and so it goes on....after three consecutive days of this routine, even Crocodile began to crack.
We awoke our first morning in Guangzhou after a rather late evening and immediately planned our breakfast attack. This is a particularly challenging affair in Guangzhou if you enjoy anything that is not considered a pet. We opted for a taxi to a Pizza Hut, or
Pissa-Haa in local dialect. The taxi driver nodded and promptly drove us 25 minutes to a large mall-like complex. As we walked up to the doors we noticed a large queue of people - it was not yet open. Dehydrated from unthinkable quantities of
Absolut drinks the night before, and hungry enough to serioulsy consider the fried chihuahua skewers on offer roadside, we could not hang around for a further 40minutes. So we
Crocodile's X factor
Crocodile shows off his X factor with Beertjie at the massage parlour did what all elite members of a special ops team would do in this situation.....we went for massage. - 2 and a bit hours - full body.
Crocodile was a real hit with the Cantonese masseusses....we are still trying to figure out why, but we strongly suspect it had something to do with the pitch of his laugh.....and his severe case of chest hair. Whatever the real reason we all walked out on air. We had not heard from Peter since 3:30am after losing him in the crowd at a VIP club called
The Cave. We finally managed to get hold of him later in the day, only after tracking down a Western style pub near our hotel. This was a fantastic find, there was live music, the beers were less than R50 a shot, and there was a vicious rumour we would be able to pick up the Sharks-Cats game......but the only indication that rugby even existed in the minds of the Chinese was a brief encounter with a local wearing a Stormers cap. We were inclined to ask how he came into possession of such an uninspiring item, but we soon realised its source when he stood
Showtime!
The Special Ops elite members prepare for floor exercises at the Canton Fair up, collected his mop and bucket and disappeared into the bathroom.....uncanny, we all agreed.
In between a brilliant version of spaghetti bologanaise (to Beertjie's delight) and a live rendition of
Who's the fluck is Alice by a Chinese band, we made contact with Peter. We would meet him at the show the next morning for registration and would attend a traditional dinner the next evening. It should be noted that up to this point Nicns in particular had been shouting huge billy about how he was wanting to experience true Chinese cuisine. Beertjie, not entirely convinced the local food can be termed
cuisine at all, repeatedly warned both Nicns and Crocodile of the impending dangers of
going all-out Chinese
. We finished off the night with anothe massage (where in the world can you get a massage at 1am on Easter weekend at R65 for two hours?).
We met Peter the following morning outside the hotel and caught a taxi to the exhibition centre. The Guangzhou Canton Fair is split across 4 weeks in the year, each with a different set of industries on display. We first caught a glimpse of the mini-metropolis that made up the exhibition centre. It
Diplomatic immunity
Connections mean everything in China. is massive, beyond comprehension (and economic reason), and beyond the scope of our camera lenses. Our first point of call was Mcdonalds, by now a staple meal. But this was no ordinary Mcdonalds......imagine a Sportsmans Warehouse branch filled with benches, tables and chairs.....the 22 order lines stood on average 20 people deep, and this was just inside. The outside queue stretched some 50 metres from the entrance to this red and yellow grub facility. Despite this aura of chaos, nothing could have been more organised. Waiters walked up the outside queue and took orders while you stood, uploading it through their PDA onto the order mainframe. You would have your order witihn 10 minutes from first entering the queue. Our rough mathematical calculations (subject to the a standard error associated with a perpetual hangover) make this tantamount to serving 20 customers every18 seconds, continuously from 9am to 5pm. Truly jaw-droppping.
The floor space alone we could not get through even one fifth of the complex within our alotted two days. We therefore stuck to specific industries of interest and tried to find as many novel products and technologies as we could muster. Leaving the show around 5pm we made
Made in China.....
A view of the Motor cycle section of the Canton Fair arragements for our first Chinese dinner night out with Peter........
Walking around the three storied restaurant was like walking through a mini-aqaurium, only this one spcecialised in those aquatic creatures you have never seen before, and more. There were water tanks eveywhere all housing these unique (and some no doubt endangered) animals. There were all the usual suspects, squid, crab, crayfish, prawn and potato fish. These were backed up with Pearl River Eel, miniature tortoise (Beetjie and Chewy had to hold back Nicns from trying to free the tortoise - apparently he could not fathom people at the next table munching on what lookied identical to his pet at age 8), bizarre looking grubs, and of course curry flavoured maggots.
A traditional Chinese meal is focused on a Lazy Suzy, the centre turntable plate, and everyone picks form common dishes. Chopsticks are a given........but no matter how much you are prepared by people who have been there before, you are never ready for true Chinese cuisine, and our experience was no different. Nicns was at pains to get past the first green slug (we later found out to be sea cucumber), eyes watering as he swallowed the piece
WiFi Order
Beertjie never thought technology could taste this good. at least 4 times. Crocodile was trying to negotiate a large piece of brown river fish., and kept repeating the same phrase.....
Aila, aila. Chewy and Beertjie, previously exposed to these elements, wisely dug into the roast duck leaving the rookies to finish truly undescribable broth and curd.
We hurried Peter out of the restaurant and headed to B-Boss Bar around 10pm. Now B-Boss bar is an insitution in Guangzhou, a place of choice for the rich, arrogant, and foreign businessman with decent Chinese connections. That we were undercover special ops Superbru agents meant we had to fit into the third category. B-Boss was our humble abode every night from our second night, from about 10pm until 3am. We were treated like the VIPs that we are. B-Boss hosts traveling live band performances which specilize in western cover songs. We rocked the night away, and the band officially recognised our presence with a tribute vesion of Toto's
Africa. We had to restrain Nicns from storming the stage as he was so excited.
Beertjie in the meantime had begun to fall for the bar's prima hostess, English name Diana, Chinese name........we still have no idea. Needless to say, the longer
Comrades on the up
Nicns, Crocodile and Beertjie contemplate the future of the Chinese economy. the night went on the deeper Beetjie fell, until eventually he was preparing to get down on one knee. Before he could she indicated she wanted to go home.....and the invitation was extended to Beertjie. He did not take up the invitation we are sad to report........Crocodile pointed out that this may well have been because the prospect of a Chinese breakfast was simply too much to handle. Nicns and Chewy concur.
In any event we had a wild night and struggled to make the show the next day. Following our final day at the show, and upon urging Peter since arrival, he agreed to set up the famous Karaoke for our last eveing in China. Karaoke's in China are not your western style, get pissed, stand up and deliver a shoddy cover version while your friends giggle in the corner of the bar. Indeed, the fundamentals are still there - you do sing, and you do drink the night away. The difference is that in China the karaoke is a man's escape, his relaxation away fom the family and...well.....his wife. It is important everybody realise we strongly disassociate ourselves from these princples, but when in Rome......
We
Crocodile's nemesis
Woody would be proud of this one.......chances are. were picked up by a driver on behalf of our evening's hosts, the Su Brothers, rubber manufacturers Chewy and Beertjie had met and partied with on a previous visit. They were getting together with some doctor friends of theirs, having dinner with their families, and then going to enjoy a karaoke evening. Thre is no doubt we gate-crashed this preplanned event, but we are grateful for their hospitality because it was the highlight of the trip.
If Nicns thought the previous night was traditional Chinese cuisine, he was in for a treat. This dinner was the real Macoy....and we barely made it through it alive. Crocodile was really in his element as right in the middle of the private eating room at the restaurant was a big screen television and the event........Man U vs Tottenham. Crocodile became token Chinese for the evening as he was embraced by other local supporters.
Jum-booi (cheers) was said repeatedly by all, and specifically by Beertjie who was in for a memorable night. Dinner winding down it was time for Karaoke (bye the way Man U won).
Saying our goodbyes to the families, we entered the karaoke hotel, 11 of us in total.
Up for some Grub?
Not quite Mopani worms, but they'll have to do... We were directed through to a large suite equipped with our very own large screen TV, couches, bar, and bathroom facilities. There were two mics and a computer karaoke system ready to be abused......and did we make a meal of it. But first (and it has to be experienced to be appreciated), it is pointless having a karaoke evening with just a bunch of men.....hence the ladies......15 to be exact that lined up in parade form in front of us. Since we were the guests, we got to choose first - who did we want to be our partner for the evening's festivities? It may sound like a man's fantasy come true, but trust us all, when you're in the situation you are battling your conscience....how do you choose the one you want and let the rest of them down?
Mr Su solved this problem, at least for Beertjie. Thinking about his guest, he did what any Chinese host would do and thought about Beertjie's considerable lack of Mandarin wit, and so he chose the lady who purportedly spoke the most English in the group.....She happened to be the most
homely of the lot shall we say. Beertjie was
What the fluck?!
Crocodile considers the contents of a glass chamber.... mortified, but in the moment he was obligated to take one for the special ops team. Crocodile, reluctant at first, chose second knowing full well that any hesitancy would mean Mr Su would choose on his behalf, and we had all learned from Beertjie's example. Nicns soon followed, apparently half-hearted, and Chewy was then presented with his lady - too slow to choose, Mr Su stepped in, but Chewy was most grateful, English was not the deciding factor!
Mr Su's fellow collegues and friends followed suit, but some did not like what was left over and the remaining girls were soon rushed out. Three minutes later, 15 entirely new faces lined up across the floor. This had a dramatic impact on Beertjie for although he had gallantly accepted his lot, he was battling playing the roll of thrilled Karaoke goer. It was at this point that Peter arrived, late from another engagement and promptly came to Beertjie' rescue. Beertjie's first bird was summarily fired 15 minutes after warming up to her foreign customer and as we all know how charming Beertjie can be, this must have been devastating for her......talk about losing face!
Once the lady had been
V.I.P. dudes
Chewy, Nicns and Crocodile rock at B-Boss. unceremoniously rushed out of the room, another 15 girls paraded in and this time Peter hand-picked Beertjie's second edition. While the rest of us would not say she was much of an improvement, Beertjie appeared to be content, or at least for a while. He had, along with, Nicns and Crcodile taken hold of the microphone and in between Cantonese ballads, we could hear the Beetles twisting and shouting. But after a while, Beertjie became a little less inhibited (often signalled by his sudden urge to do the Moon Walk) and a little more cold hearted. Deciding he could do better, he turned to his second lady and said "You're fired!". He quickly chose her replacement, this time entirely content with the outcome.
And the night went on, and we all had a fantastic evening playing lie-dice, drinking merrily, and performing extremely poor renditions of
Unchained Melody and
Hey Jude. We eventually made it out of there and back to our hotel at 2am, and we did not pay a cent for the entire evening including the dinner - this was all on Mr Su - bloody marvellous!
We awoke the next morning to a few bureacratic problems,
Lady Di
Princess of B-Boss. endemnic to China, but soon sorted these and headed off to Hong Kong to await our vaunted flight to Bangkok and the trip to the long lost isalnd of Koh Lipe.
As we are completing this blog on our first night on Koph Lipeh, we though it appropriate to whet your appetite for the scenes to come, and ultimately we need to get back to doing what this trip is about - escaping you lot!
Until next time...
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Jinx
non-member comment
This lilo has a stitch
Just had to say I laughed so much at your words (Chewy's I presume) it hurts...thanks for the day's entertainment. Love J