Demeanor

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A part of me dies tonight. A part of my tomboyish self that enjoys being loud and laughing like a true American. In truth it's been dieing all along. I've seen myself grow from the loud boisterous self that walks into the Salon screaming in anger at Merry, not caring about anyone else in there, to today. Today I walked in and did what any Japanese woman might have done - sat quiet and folded my legs in one chair until someone came over to say hi to me. Didn't speak or laugh or eat much, apparently this is what's called ladylike and it's something Cam's looked for in me for a good while. I just need to learn how to adapt this into every day life. Not go over there until he calls me and then do this in nice clean fresh-smelling clothes in one spot being as nice as possible to everyone around me. Actually it helps to do it when I'm upset too. It makes my being upset some how easier. And my trying to be like other Chinese in the room keeps me from being jealous of them. This is what I'm here to learn. I've finally found it. But it will take a while to learn to do this when I'm with my own people - the foreigners. That will be the ultimate true test. For now I sit ... and wait ... for tomorrow.

Now looking back on this entry on December 2nd, 2006 I find that this part of me hasn't died, it's just changed. I'm still my loud crazy self when I'm allowed to be - in my own culture. What was demanding of a calm lady-like person is the Chinese culture and the good thing about that is that it wasn't Cam who was demanding this new demeanor, it was his culture. He has accepted who I am around foreigners, but he knows as much as I do that I can't have that same demeanor around the Chinese. So, this is finally what I've been waiting for. The change that I'm going to have to go through for Chinese culture. I've already begun this process as I described in this entry but it will continue. And it is helping me with my patience and my demeanor around certain types of people and certain types of situations in the US too. So this is what I will learn.

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