Lusaka, Zambia and Tbilisi, Georgia I: Plan C

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This year’s grand tour takes me to Zambia and Georgia. Not the most obvious pairing of countries to visit on one trip, but having missed Ireland’s previous match against Georgia in 2014, I wasn’t going pass on Tbilisi this time. But before that though, there is a return to Zambia after three years to see the children of WONS Orphanage again. And so Thursday night I set off from Gatwick Airport in the company of Tommy Feely – legendary Ireland cheerleader, storyteller and, truth be told, the main benefactor on the orphanage – and arrived in Lusaka (via Dubai) at 14:35 the next day. Our hotel collected us and took us straight to The Best Western Lusaka Grand on the outskirts of town. Imposingly grand looking from the outside (complete with palm treed swimming pool in the front that you have to cross the driveway to reach and totally deserted during the duration of our stay), with decent-sized rooms and staff that at least pretend to help.



I quickly unpacked, then nipped across the highway to the roadside shacks that populate the streets of Lusaka to buy some top-up credit for my new Zambian SIM card (adding to my collection of permanent mobile numbers). With Tommy’s fiancé Emeldah joining us, we now set off to WONS Ministries, the orphanage in the Chunga Township, north-west of Lusaka. Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted by delighted children of all ages between four and eighteen, the vast majority of whom were new since I was last here. Needless to say, Eunice Shakami Bwalya, founder of WONS Orphanage, was beyond glad to see us. Her physical condition may have deteriorated (she can no longer use crutches and is wheelchair bound) but her spirits remain defiantly undimmed.



Having packed right up to our combined 60kg luggage limit, we had much to bring to the children in the way of donations. Although I am given much of the credit, the real praise should go to the many of you who were kind enough to give them your unwanted clothes, toys, books, computer equipment etc. All of which bring unquantifiable joy to these kids. But special mention must go to my nephew Billy, who bequeathed them his old Sony Playstation 3. To make full use of said PS3, Dave King and I got them a cheap second-hand HD-TV. I was a tad apprehensive setting it all up, but thankfully everything survived the long laborious journey from London. Needless to say, the children LOVED their new games console. The 2010 and 2014 World Cup games the boys took to immediately which was gratifying, given that I spent literally days setting up the correct players, squad numbers, even the authentic boots for the Zambian team if they had actually qualified for those World Cups. Wot me? Anal? The girls in turn got really into Singstar, even though they were unfamiliar with the songs featured, they didn’t take long to learn them (Chris Brown and Rhianna being particular favourites). I wowed all and sundry and set the high score to beat with a blinding rendition of Constant Craving to show them how it’s done. Though admittedly I had the advantage of knowing the song I was singing. Worryingly though, the PS3 game they really took to was Mortal Kombat. Many of the games Billy donated with the console were unsuitable 18-rated titles which I had to trade in. This Mortal Kombat however I thought would be okay as it had no certificate or rating. Boy was I wrong. The boys pretty much played nothing else in the subsequent days, very much loving those x-ray slow motion bone crunching close-ups. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, best it stays that way…



Saturday was spend organising the day out for the kids. I thought it might be a good idea to take them back to Kalimba Reptile Park in Kafue, just north of Lusaka. We brought the children there before in 2009, but the vast majority of the current orphanage intake was not around then, therefore it will be a new experience for many. So we went to Kalimba and sorted out entrance with management, made the transport arrangements and went to WONS to tell them. The response was enthusiastically ecstatic. Cut to Sunday morning, the minibus turned up at our hotel to pick us up and head for Chunga township, where the children and staff – togged out in old Ireland gear and London Supporters’ Club t-shirts – eagerly awaited us outside the orphanage. Somehow all 42 of us squeezed onto the bus as it set off on the long journey to Kalimba Reptile Park. A journey made longer by the road works on the Great East Road (the main highway to The Copperbelt). But we got there eventually and had a fabulous time; we were split into two groups and had guides to show us around the crocodiles and snakes on show. Very educational, awe inspiring and just a little bit scary; these crocodiles can grow up to a metre wide and four metres long, and fearsome looking buggers up close, they are. Tour over; it was time for lunch (pre-ordered as soon as we arrived at Kalimba). Or so we thought; they summoned everybody to be seated for lunch, but the children were left waiting for 40 minutes to be served their food. When we enquired as to what the hold up was, they said not everybody’s lunch was ready. And when it was, we were jobsworthly told it could only be brought to the tables by the waitress, and there was only one waitress. And like all Zambian women, she did that slow walk thing; Shuffling forward in the manner of an elderly person up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. Sadly this is all too typical of the customer service you can find in Zambia. Suitably fed and rested, the children were now free to play. Specifically, they were free to dive into the swimming pool. All the kids brought their cossies and this was the highlight for many of them. And why not? This all took a sod of a lot of organising, but seeing the children looking for all the world like they were having the time of their lives made it all absolutely worth it.



It was frankly going too well, something was bound to go awry, and it did. Around half past three, the bus driver – who was supposed to stay in the car park waiting, but instead gained entry into the park and lunched at our expense – expressed concerns that we should leave early to beat the traffic on the way back. Absolutely not, we said. The kids are loving it here, you’re paid to take us back at closing time (18:00) and that’s what you’re gonna do. Yet an hour later whilst our attention was elsewhere, the bus driver had ushered all the children onto the bus ready to leave. Tommy – possibly with a drink or two in him – was effing and blinding and threatening to get violent with the bus driver. What few diplomacy skills I possessed were pressed into action as I ushered Tommy away, herded the kids back into the park and advised the bus driver to stay way from Tommy. So everybody got to remain and enjoy themselves right up to the park closing at six. The fact that I also got to watch Liverpool vs. Arsenal on Kalimba’s TV is merely a by-product of the children’s happiness. By the time we dropped the kids off at the orphanage and returned to the hotel, it was nearly 8pm. I had half a mind to not pay the bus driver after his antics, but I did – minus his park entry fee and lunch…



As great a time as we had with the kids at Kalimba Reptile Park, it wasn’t our first choice, it wasn’t even plan B. The original idea was to take them to the Zambian national football team play. When I last visited WONS at the start of 2014, the National Heroes Stadium, the new national stadium of Zambia was on the verge of completion. Where the orphanage is, at the end of the street, you can see this stadium on the horizon. So I said to the children the next time I come to visit, I would take them to see Chipolopolo (“copper bullets”, as the Zambian national football team are nicknamed) play at that stadium. When the 2018 World Cup qualifying fixtures were announced last year, Zambia vs. Algeria on Monday the 28^th of August was the most suitable in terms of our schedule and logistics. So plans were made and flights were booked. It was all going to be great… except three years on, Zambia have yet to play a competitive match at The National Heroes Stadium.



Its construction was funded by the Chinese (part of China’s Africa-wide influence buying, loosely disguised as infrastructure investment), but Zambians pocketed chunks of the money, corners were cut in the building of the stadium and it did not meet safety standards, lax as they already are in Africa. Zambia vs. Algeria was moved instead to Ndola in The Copperbelt, five hours away by bus. So we had a plan B of taking the kids to watch the match on a big screen somewhere in Lusaka, throw in lunch and make a day of it. In a Bullseye kind of let’s-see-what-you-could-have-won move, I went to the Smuggler’s Bar by City Lodge Hotel on Monday to have a look at the would-be venue. It had a big HD projector screen, plenty of tables, served food. It would have been perfect… But sometime during the last few weeks – unannounced and I only found out by chance – the match was moved back to the National Heroes Stadium (now up to scratch presumably). Great! We can take the children to the game after all… Except the fixture was also rescheduled to Saturday the 2^nd of September i.e. after we have departed Zambia.



That’s why we ended up taking the children of WONS Orphanage to Kalimba Reptile Park. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. But sadly this isn’t an isolated incident of incompetence by the Football Association of Zambia. Tuesday was a free day to do a bit of shopping and I wanted to get the new Zambia team jersey. However, it is still not officially available at retailers, resulting in the street markets being flooded with fake replicas. I did manage to get an authentic shirt unofficially in the shops; at least I think it’s real. If it isn’t, the counterfeiters went to an awful lot of trouble with the packaging and tags not seen on the street versions. In other shopping stories, wherever I travel, I always try to get a bottle of the local red wine for Aileen. I didn’t think Zambian wine existed. But chatting to the concierge at my hotel, such a thing was indeed reality. So he took me to a market he knows and I got a bottle of Ambassador Wine to bring home. The cost was cheap; however the concierge’s fees were three times that of the wine! Though to be fair, without his help, I would have never found Zambian wine by myself. My stay in Zambia ended Tuesday night with dinner at Le Triumph Dolphin with Sue and family. They lent a sympathetic ear to my story over a meal of curried prawns with garlic and herb balsamic rice (best meal I ever had in Zambia, though the competition isn’t exactly intense) and nodded sagely at how typically Zambian it all was. Need further proof? As I write this on the morning of Thursday the 31^st of August, the Football Association of Zambia website STILL lists Zambia vs. Algeria as to be played on 28^th of August.



So there you have it. I flew from Lusaka to Johannesburg Wednesday morning, and then got on an eight-hour connecting flight to Istanbul. Where instead of writing this travel blog, I watched an Elvis Costello concert and a Japanese weepie and unsuccessfully attempted to sleep. So rather than go explore Istanbul for the eight hours before my last flight, I sit in the Comfort Lounge of Istanbul Ataturk International Airport typing these words, trying to stay awakeS. Next stop, Tbilisi, Georgia. Back on Ireland’s World Cup trail, doubtlessly more joy there than attempting to follow Zambia’s…

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