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Published: August 29th 2007
Hey kids..Neil's brought Motoke for lunch!
"Great, the only thing worse than no food!!"“But Neil, how can that be so? Surely with your new selfless, no, saintly position there in Rwanda, helping the countries vulnerable and needy children (some very cute), you must be a dead cert , surefire, ‘shoe in’ for a front row seat alongside the big guy up there in heaven?” … I hear you ask.
Sadly, not so.
“But Neil, what could you have done that was so terrible, so despicable, so down right God forsaken shameful that all you’re recent superhero-like good deeds couldn’t expunge? … You cry.
Well… I couldn’t begin to name you all of the
Seven Deadly Sins, but of those
Seven I’m pretty certain I’ve just stepped up and slotted home Number One - Numero Uno - The Big One
‘Complaining about the food in Africa, to Africans’ and not just any old Africans, oh no, but ‘to the very same Africans that tirelessly scrimped, saved, sweated and toiled to bring it to my very table/lap’. …Told you, pretty bad eh?
Yeah I know - I should be grateful to have any food and I so know there are people starving in Africa, hell, I live with three of them.
Ernest - Master Chef 2007
"What d'ya mean u dont like my boiled matoke?" But I think I’ve got some grounds for a plea of ‘diminished responsibility or ‘temporary insanity’, as I’m pretty certain even a frail, old and very hungry Mahatma Ghandi would have turned his nose up at Motoke* dished up for the 5th night running. Yes I did say 5th! Personally I think it shows my new super-humanlike powers of 'patience' and restraint.
Okay, I’m sorry, I cracked, chucked a few toys out, even called for and made them diarise a food meeting. But show a little compassion, cause get this - turns out no-one likes the stuff - not one of the guys put it in their ‘Top 5 Rwandan Vegetables’ list (It was a good meeting). Needless to say, it is now no longer on the ‘21 Rwamanaga’ menu and unlikely to make a serious comeback anytime soon.
*Matoke - Tasteless savoury banana, generally boiled to death in these parts, until what little taste it had is completely eradicated. On a more serious note - the meeting has also uncovered the true extent of my housemate’s dire financial plight. Having now not been paid for 3 months, they owe money to about 4 local market
Tour de Rwanda pit stop
Chris Boardman switches to his wet tyres! stall owners and have been surviving on what small amount of credit is left with one - Yep you guessed it, Mr Motoke himself - The matoke seller. Who coincidentally appears to also be the local loan shark. It will come as no surprise to you to hear it’s the cheapest vegetable at the market - as a guide a large sack of ‘pricey’ sweet potatoes (mmm sweeet potatoes) will set you back around 80p.
So clearly here was a chance to redeem myself, which I have taken with both hands and tonight Matthew, we mainly be eating cassava and sweet potatoes, Rwanda’s No. 1 & 2 vegetables, as voted by Kim, Ronald, Joseph and myself.
The Tour de Rwanda went past our house today, and proved, not surprisingly, to be very popular with the bicycle taxi drivers/ riders, who formed quite a crowd along the roadside. You may be surprised to hear that, like the Tour de France, its spread over a number of days, eight to be precise, with each day, or leg, averaging around 250 km. Now some of the more observant amongst you may be a smidgen confused, just like myself, because Rwanda
is small, very small - about the size of Wales, if that. It has one good road, good enough that is, for your Raleigh Arena or Peugeot Equipe and its not that long, obviously. I’m pretty sure the country isn’t even 250km wide. Which surely must mean these guys are going up and down the same road for 8 days - not exactly what you’d call a Tour. I guess that’ll be why Lance Armstrong’s not amongst this years leading pack.
I brought this up with Kim (bloke) my Ugandan housemate and he then tells me he was once in the Ugandan Cycle team and travelled to Japan for a competition in 2003.
”Blimey, that’s impressive”, I said.
“Well… not really” he replies, with a very big cheesy grin.
Turns out his old school teacher got him on the team and he’d never been on a bike in his life. Once through Japanese customs, he and another 6 members of the nine-man-team did a runner (They didn’t bring bikes! True), just like in ‘Escape to Victory’, well sort of. Apparently it took Jap Immigration 2.5 years to find him and ship him and his bicycle clips
A young Nelson Mandella...
...checks out work on our new school - Wadda guy! back to Kampala. If you think I stand out and draw attention here, imagine being the only Ugandan in Tokyo. How funny is that? It gets better; his older brother is still in the US after going awol from a 1993 New York tennis tournament! No shit - he hasn’t seen him for 14 years. The guy can’t leave the country because they’ll never let him back in. It goes without saying he’d never seen a game of tennis, let alone played one in his life.
I read in today’s paper that the Rwanda’s U18’s football team are playing in a tournament in Germany next week - I’d love to know how many take that return flight. Answers on a postcard please. Kim reckons less than half!
Now is probably a good time to say a little more about some of my new friends and house buddies. There are four of us in the bungalow/office combo. Kim (The Ugandan Pre-school Teacher) Ronald (The Pre-school kid), Joseph (The Headmaster) and me (Jolly Foreigner). Joseph has to be the youngest Head I’ve ever met, 24 tops. I’d naturally assumed he was some kind of child genius. Oh contraire, remember this
If they needed a reason to get electricity..
This must surely be it! And comes with a free Kenny Rogers CD!! The business. is Africa. He has the equivalent of one A-level, ironically in English (I can never understand a word he says) and he’s never taught a class in his life, well properly anyway. His most favourite pastimes are ironing, listening to Country and Western music and getting up early. Unfortunately for me, with the room next to his, he’s not scared of combining all three of those - if I ‘never’ hear ‘Islands in the Stream’ again, it will be too soon!
You maybe surprised to hear that he’s not alone in his penchant for a little Kenny. Mr Rogers is definitely a firm favourite with the locals and way out in front in the ‘most played on the jukebox’ league (if they had one or somewhere to plug it in). It’s probably a good indication that I’m settling in here nicely, in that I now don’t bat an eyelid if ‘Coward of the County’ is playing as we walk into a bar. To tell you the truth, it’s beginning to grow on me….”Promise me son…not to do”. Oh and here’s a fact for you, apparently he owns a chain of burger restaurants in China, Kenny not Joseph. Needless to
say they’d do very good business here in Rwanda - I’d definitely go.
Even the getting up early thing isn’t all that rare here either - most Rwandans are up and out by 6.30am latest. Which is very much the case with me - although I don’t really have much choice, because if its not Dolly and Ken or the deafening dawn chorus waking me at 5.30am every morning (Rwanda has over 500 varieties of bird by the way), it’s the noise made the 500 builders currently working around our very humble abode. How’s this for luck, I have to be the only guy in Africa with a fully operational building site on all four sides. 98% farmland my arse.
Quick one, about the ironing - he only owns two shirts and one pair of strides - enough said.
Just to help set the African scene; its 8.00pm and its now been raining (very hard) non stop for over 4 hours 45 minutes. How’s that Toto song go?
You may be wondering about the youngest member of the team, Ronald, aged 5. Before you say a word - I know it seems a bit weird, a
young boy living with his two teachers, neither of which are relations. But I have it on good authority, it’s all totally above board. He's the Director's nephew, the youngest in a family of eight kids and get this, his Dad's in the military - clearly they give too much leave. In fact it's very common in Rwanda, kids living with neighbours and friends that is. Mainly for reasons such as poverty, abandonment and loss of a parent/s. These young kids are often rescued from the street. I’ve met 6 and 7 year olds that were told to leave the home by their mother and father, kicked out without any warning. Emmanuel, one of our Rwamagana centre boys, was taken on what he thought was a holiday by his mother and stepfather, only to watch them board the bus home without him - he was six! Not all smiles and handshakes these Rwandans, but then we all knew that eh?
Changing the subject, it appears the Rwandan ‘rumour mill’ is getting a little out of hand when it comes to the one about me being ‘a bit useful’ at football - and I swear its got nothing to do
"Howdi doodee diddlee there Neighbour"
Work on Rwanda's Costa del Sol starts late today - 5.30am! with me or any of my recent performances, which were woeful at best. I got back from the school yesterday to find the local football team Umurabyo’s manager in my office - he then spent 20 minutes trying to persuade me to come and play for his team. Let me just put this in perspective for you, Umurabyo FC play in Rwanda’s equivalent to the Premiership, hovering currently around mid-tale - it’s a bit like coming home from work to find Big Sam Alladyce sat on you’re sofa, drinking tea and eating your biscuits with his cheque book out - you’d be a little surprised, wouldn’t you?
His enthusiasm seemed to cool a little when I told him I was approaching my mid 30’s, which I guess in some respects was a compliment. Sadly I don’t think he had had me in mind for the Teddy Sheringham** role, as he was quick to mention they played twice a week and trained everyday. He also seemed to quickly change his tact and mentioned something about me bringing some new tactics to training sessions and funnily enough some new kit. He must have been impressed that Id been the only one
of last week’s 5000 crowd to spot his opposition were wearing two strips. But hey, it could be a laugh and Id be making history, as it appears no white bloke has ever played for a Rwandan Premiership side, certainly not one as average as me. And get this, twice a year they play in the national stadium in front of 20,000+. But I’m guessing the game will be well and truly up by then and Ill be lucky to be carrying the bucket and sponge!
**Aging West Ham striker partial to a weekly trip or three to China Whites, bedding the odd glamour model and coming as sub in the last 5 minutes to score the winner - and definitely not training. i.e. nice work if you can get it. While I’m on the subject rumour and gossip, it appears I, or more specifically ‘my legs’ have become quite the talk of the town, well certainly amongst Rwamagana’s women folk. Okay, I agree they’re pretty hairy, I get that from my mum (kidding), but I certainly don’t think they warrant comments like “I couldn’t marry a man with legs like that” or “don’t you own a
pair long trousers?”. My comment about Jesus being very hairy doesn’t appear to have helped matters and has only drawn further attention to the fact that I still haven’t shown my face or heaven forbid legs in church. Anyway, it turns out Rwandan men are generally hairless down there and according to Jovia, the accountant’s wife, only 1 in 5 Rwandan woman need to shave theirs - their legs, that is. One for your local pub quiz.
It’s beginning to concern me that one or two of you may be beginning to think that my journal entries are a little exaggerated or have the faint wiff of embellishment, for effect. But hand on heart, I can assure you my journalistic integrity is very much in tact and that in fact the opposite is true. I’ve actually been omitting and downsizing the odd story, as I didn’t think you’d believe me (or they’re a bit too sad and gruesome). For example, While I was having dinner with Douglas (SACCA Director), his VSO girlfriend Sarah and his best friend Yaryar last night, I decided to raise the subject of the ‘Tour de Rwanda’, just to get a local’s point of
Jovia - The Accountant's Wife
Chairwoman & Co-Founder of the Hairy Legs 'Lack of' Appreciation Sociey view and yes, she cooked everybody’s favourite ‘matoke and potatoes’. To be honest they weren’t all that bothered about the race, but then Yaryar pipes up and goes…
“There’s a guy with one leg that races in that”
“Bollocks!” I replied - Sorry Mum, I did apologise, but I couldn’t help myself.
“It’s true, and he’s won it before” he nonchalantly retorts (Completely dead pan. Trust me you’d notice his smirk)
Unfortunately with limited internet access here in Rwamagana, I haven’t been able to verify this gem. But knowing what I know about the genocide’s legacy and having seen the standard of this year’s cyclists, it’s not as far fetched as we may think. So stay tuned.
Oh and that reminds me, we were enjoying a quiet beer at Jambo Beach yesterday, by the mill pond that is Lake Muhazi, when I cracked a particularly funny gag about it being where the 'Rwandan Navy Seals' trained, this in turn has raised a very interesting discussion topic.
‘Do land-locked countries have their own navy and if so, where do they keep the boats?’ They clearly don’t have any beaches, as in Jambo’s case, we were making
use of a grass verge. One suggestion is that perhaps some of the smaller, poorer countries such as Zambia, Chad and Luxemborg, should all chip in and buy one and then maybe pay Equatorial Guinea to moor it. Also if Rwanda doesn’t own any planes, which I think is true, what happens if they’re called up by the UN for a spot of peace keeping? Do the super powers then draw straws to see who gets to pick them up? Anyway next time you’re on the net, can you Google it for us ? Would be very much appreciated.
; It wouldn’t do Kofi and his UN buddies any harm if they came and analysed some of our recent ‘crisis management’ methods here at 21 Rwamagana, because since Tuesday’s Food Summit, the standard of food production has improved exponentially. It turns out the boy’s a culinary Harry Potter, all he needed was to drop the motoke, buy 3 new plastic dishes and a damn good kick up the backside, with a size 9 sandal.
And finally on a lighter note … Paul the Blind School Mobility Teacher and drummer for a thrash metal band in Leeds,
The Rwandan Navy Seals
On a top secret mission!! has got Toto’s Africa on his ipod - top work fella. Incidentally he also has an album on there entitled 'Hillbilly Classics', which not surprisingly is going down a storm here with the locals. He also has a classic story about how his blind kids have been getting their drinking water for the last 3 years... involving a bucket, a very steep hill and Lake Muhazi ... need i say more! And if that wasnt bad enough, he works in a church run secondary school where all the kids dorms are named after cities around the world - guess which kids dorm is furthest from the classrooms and called 'Baghdad' - only in Rwanda!
Public Apology: I would like to apologise to all the readers of my earlier ‘The Important Stuff’ journal entry, as I published an incorrect fact relating to the number of brochettes (kebabs) available from The Rwandan goat (medium build). After further investigation the number is actually around 100 , not 35 as previously written.
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