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Published: November 1st 2008
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Two Fisting
The very 1st thing i'll say in the morning, "I don't know how i got so drunk."
Dirty Shoe Laces
Ireland is in a mall craze. Malls are believed to be key economic boosters in cities. Currently, Galway plans to destroy 5 pubs, including the one me and Tara work at. The other is one of the oldest pubs in Galway. They also plan to destroy some other really great things like liquor stores, a small casino and a music venue. To go in their place…a mall!!!! Across the street from the new mall…the other large mall. Nothing says capitalism like a mall across the street from a mall. It’s funny because people visit Ireland to be part of pubs and what we think is traditional Irish life, not the fucking mall. Nobody wants to fly to Ireland to see sheep and visit the mall, we want pubs and tunes and Guinness goddamitt. While I’m on the subject of malls, the current and soon to be lame mall has no trashcans in the food court. I haven’t figured out where all the trash goes, but I think it may be related to my theory of Leprechauns with cloaking devices who have been drinking my beers at the pub and making it look like I’m drinking way too
Me
With a forehead like that, i could headbutt through concrete. fast and have been grabbing Tara’s tit’s while she sleeps. They exist, I know it.
Tara and I have a new addiction, which is directly related to my current health concerns. We love Kinder Eggs. Kinder Eggs are these white and regular chocolate eggs, which contain a smaller plastic egg inside them and inside those eggs are cool small little toys. Kinder Eggs are illegal to sell in the United States because parents are too lazy and stupid to prevent their children from eating and/or choking on the toys. The best way to eat a kinder egg, should you get one down a back alley some where in the U.S. is to break the egg in two halves and fill each one with crunchy peanut butter and consume with milk. When you’re finish, do some sit ups or go for a jog because the calories go straight to the booty. Should you be a binge and purger bound for Intervention, please give me your toys before you leave for your treatment, I am collecting them. To somewhat steal a quote, I’m one Kinder Egg away from losing a foot to diabetes.
It hasn’t stopped raining in a long
Mural
They're missing Bob Dylan and all the founding Members of Bad Religion time. If it does stop, there’s still usually a misty fog or lite drizzle to remind you that it will be raining again soon. Seeing as the sidewalks here are so fucking thin and can barely sustain one regular sized person, and the roads barely fit two moving cars, I have been living in fear of the day where I’m headed to work or the pub and a bus drives by and hits a puddle delivering a tidal wave of gutter water on top of me. The only thing worse than going to work is going to work soaking wet and with Guardia.
Last night I came up with a brilliant invention. It’s a device that you plant in your girlfriend’s dinner that stays inside her bodyt until she passes it. The purpose of the device to make her insides light up like E.T.’s stomach when she has an orgasm, that way you can tell if she’s faking it or not. The logistics of the invention still have to be worked out and I’m not sure how big of a market exists for an item purchase by insecure men, especially seeing as most men don’t give a flying pigs
Dispenser
Jellybeans get the ladies wet. ass care if a woman has an orgasm during sex. I know I get embarrassed by buying baby wipes instead of toilet paper at Rite Aid, i don't know if many men will purchase this. I got the idea from a light up blow up doll we saw in the window of an erotic shop.
We found a pretty cool new pub in town called Sallys. Sallys is a punk rock/black metal pub downtown off the beaten path. They have shows, bartenders in street clothes and good deals on pitchers. It’s probably my favorite bar in town, though it does seem like it has it’s fair share of rough crowds and I can’t pee in the bathroom. It’s also a member of the, “Tiny Toilet Club,” which is my club for bars that have small toilet stalls, which don’t have enough room between the toilet and stall door to open, unless you saddle stand over the toilet and open the door or you stand on the toilet. Either solution usually means you’re getting extra doo doo and pee pee on your shoes and pants than normal. And remember the Porcelain Rule; if your shoelaces touch the bathroom floor, it’s
Naked and Violent
What i will be November 4th if John McCain wins the election time for a new shoelace. Also all the bathrooms come stocked with vending machines that have gum, condoms and for some reason original flavored jellybeans. Every single one of them is stocked with Jelly Beans and no one seems to know why. Maybe a jellybean a day keeps the cloaked Leprechauns away.
The walls of pubs here are filled with tons of sayings, poems and writings, my favorite 2 this week;
“When I die, bury me under the pub so my husband will visit me 7 days a week.”
“There is one thing, and only one thing, to be said in favor of drink. And that is that it has cause many a lady to be loved that otherwise might have died single.”
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anonymous
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i think bob dylan is on the right above bob marley. it looks like him, but i'm also drunk and legally blind, so i cant be sure..