3 whores, a bicycle and a bruise

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Beware: rated XXX

Today the rising sun saw me ready packed and the bicycle loaded. I started at 06:40 to my 80 km trip to Surat Thani. The first 45 km were mostly gravel and sand roads through rural farming areas. I thought that I would do really well, but it IS a difference with 25 or 30 kg of baggage. Not even downhill could I go fast in order to go easy with my equipment. The dogs were really annoying but that is another story.

I have logged the way and height and speed and everything for the first time… although I have missed to pause at some breaks, so the average speed includes the breaks.

But now to the story. I don’t know why, may it be the tremendous amount of my sweat today or something else, but after 2 hours my nipples got bruises (scraped). Every movement of the shirt hurt so my first try was to ride without a shirt. It felt very good, but suddenly all the Thai girls stopped greeting me? Damn :-) So in the end, I finally used my first aid pack the first time for myself and put 2 plasters on my nipples. Hahahaha. Well, if that is not gay, what else would it be? Up to now I had used only nipple clamps…

After a very exhausting trip and 80 km later I finally arrived at Surat Thani. The last 30 km were along the highway and again I was dirty all over. I checked in into a Thai Hotel (320 Baht/night) but every Baht more would have been two too much. Anyway, it is good enough for me.

After all this muscle work, I thought that I should have someone work with my muscels. Right across the street was a massage shop. I asked for the price and was a bit surprised because they wanted 300 Baht and 500 Baht for an oil massage. Even in Phuket it is cheaper. Well, I went to massage shop 2 (the kind of gather around the hotel) and there the price was the same.

Let me tell you something which especially Dieter will find funny. Never ever was I offered a happy end or even more at a Thai massage. That was my impression but lately I seem to be the only one who was not offered anything. I love the traditional Thai massage. In Khanom she washed my feet in lime water, put on relaxing music and gave me a relaxing and stretching Thai massage, all very traditional and that is the way I like it. The techniques are learned from monks usually and are an art in themselves. Got the picture?

So there was a third massage shop and I thought I would try there. I should have suspected something when there was a read light in the shop, but I seem to have a blind spot there. I only got suspicious when the massage lady was dressed in a tiger-printed mini skirt. Well, well. But I wanted my massage. So she leads me upstairs into a room with about 5 lousy, tiny cabins and asks for the 300 Baht. I tried to make her understand that I never paid before a massage and after some “discussions” about 300 Baht or not – I left… God, was she shouting after me :-)

OK, so back to shop #1. I get inside and an old lady says a lot of Thai words to me. And I hear only lady and see how she shows me the outline of the lady’s body with her hands. And then one word opens my eyes: “lady bum bum”. Ok, ok, out I was. May the lady have a great body, bum bum is not what I am looking for.

The 2^nd shop – I did not even try anymore and went to a minimart to buy a cold drink. I thought I should ask the clerk “mi mei massage mei bum bum tini?”. “Mei au bum bum”. She starts laughing but nevertheless grabs her phone and calls someone. So where does she send me? To the second shop “mei bum bum”. Ah, great a real massage, I need it so badly. Well, same strange interior, only a massage. Ha!

I laid down and she started without any preparation, very fast, very hectic, very uncomfortable. The TV did not put me into a better mood. After about one minute, which she needed to massage my legs and back, she asks me to turn and starts “massaging” my front legs and BANG – there she touches my penis, accidentially of course. Lady, I have had it all in Vietman, you can’t fool me. Leg, foot, leg, penis. Leg, leg, leg, Penis. Leg, Penis, Penis, Penis. Lucky that my Penis and I had silently agreed to play a hide and seek game and he hid so damn well, even I could not find him for a while :D. Suddenly she drops all pretentions of massage and puts both hands on where she expected my penis to be. Hide and seek baby! Having a blood-penis really helps when you need to get it out of reach.

Hahaha, hihihi, many laughters and many touching. Excuse me lady??? The TV is running, I am looking at a neon light at the ceiling and my mind is racing how to avoid the living animals which call the matrass their home. And you think you can touch my penis and quick-quick, I want sex. Not over my dead, rotten body… “Mei au bum bum” I said. That is clear enough and she kept on “massaging”. Turn left, right, to the side, up, down, ah sorry – not. This is the right order of events: Turn left, seek penis, turn right, seek penis, to the side, put tits in my face, up, put my face into her tits, down, put my hands on the skin between her legs (that was nice! Very fine skin!), seek Penis. Hahahaha, smiling, laughing, “mei au”, touch penis, “au massage, mei bum bum”, touch penis, “no no no, I am GAY!” ( I AM NOT), tits in my face. About 15 minutes had past and now it was a matter of pride. Little flo was so well hidden, she started taking my pants off, “mei au”. But she was so exhausted from the massage, seems fucking is a lot easier, that she kept trying. Just when I thought, that I was really lucky, that she was not rubbing my bruised nipples – guess what? AUUUUUAUUAUAU! Damn! “Mei au?”, “no, wtf, my au”. Well, good I had worn the plasters during the day because my nipples were her favourite target for the next 5 minutes. Hand, penis, nipples, nipples, “mei au bum bum”, “ook”, nipples. So this is as cheap as it can get…

Finally she gave up and started teaching me Thai words. Yes, as if I would like to learn Thai after such a day where I just wanted a beer and a massage. I decided that I would not get the latter here, said “finit massage, go saleep”, paid the ridiculous amount of 300 Baht for the worst massage of my life and went for the first – a beer. Quickly told the clerk that the massage “mei dei”, grabbed a beer and OH YES – what a relief. Got to get another one now…

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Comments

[michelle]

mei au
Hilarious! This page was totally hilarious! Im cycling around southern thailand, just arrived in Surat Thani and was checkin the net for massage places....i laughed so hard at your description. Thanks!!!