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Today was a short walk. After 48k yesterday I opted to sleep in, have my Cafe Con Leche and then have my haircut before heading out to my next destination. As I prepared to hit the road my angels of the Camino, Chanelle and Emily, showed up. Since they are part of my story from yesterday and today, I want to give you some background.
I ran into these two beautiful young ladies, both Catholic girls from New Mexico and age 24, in my first days of the Camino, but I did not really get to know them until a week or so ago. You have to remember that on the Camino after a while days and places all run together. We often have to figure out what day it is or how long we have been walking. My first real experience was walking up on them in the morning as they were doing their Hail Mary's - Rosaries - and Ava Marie's while walking. I walked past them quickl then slowed down so I could listen and pray silently with them. When they were done I slowed down and we walked together a while and became acquainted with them. Since then we have walked together on and off and shared some experiences. We had BLT night together 2 nights ago inn Hornillos del Camino; we frequently go to mass together, and today we walked together to the little town we are now in. Also when I found out about Andrew dieing I messaged them and asked them to pray for me and his family. Once again a divine intervention - they just happened to stop in a town on the way to Fromista this morning that had internet, so they got my message this morning right after I sent it. I feel in these things I can share with them as they have adeep faith and also walk with God. There are others here for religious/spiritual reasons, but none like them.
So I digress - here are my ramblings and experiences from the past two days. There are some things that I felt so deeply that I will not go into detail as i feel it is too personal to share and also opens those experiences to skepticism and doubt.
Some time ago - I can't say when for sure - I had been musing about what Jesus had done for us thru His death and resurrection. I came to a realization of the magnitude of what that meant. Those musings came together for me yesterday. As I was getting tward to the end of my long walk I had a particularly personal talk with God. If I haven't shared this before, I came to Spain with 3 rocks- all symbolic of things I struggle with and hope to leave heind on the Way. I left the first largest rock behind in the river as you come off the Pyrenees and entered Roncevalles. That large rock started with a different meaning then it ended with. I shared that meaning with Andrew privately the next day. I feel I should share that meaning now - I prayed a lot for his suffering to end that he be granted peace and the end to pain as I prayed to release my own burdens as well. As I thru that rock I prayed for him. My choice would have been healing but God did answer my prayer, and when I thru that rock in the water I did pray that I accept whatever answer God gave me. Andrew is now at peace and I rejoice in that.
So as I was walking yesterday I determined that my 42k day was when I should toss another rock. I had prayed on and off during the day for a sign as to when I should part with it. Granted most of my day was just spent in silence walking - to hot and sore to even talk to God in my head - but He was there. He was the cool wind on my back that propelled me forward, He was the fellow pilgrim that I happened upon that knew my goal to walk a marathon and encouraged me forward, and He was the overcast sky at the beginning of my walk that kept me cool for at least half the day. Somewhere in here, not sure where it all came together - the rocks, the rosary, so many things were so unecessary. When Jesus died on the cross and then rose again to conquer death He did it for my sins of yesterday, of today, and those of tomorrow that I have yet to commit. I didn't need to carry those rocks! He had already carried them and thrown them for me. I just had to accept it and believe. I think I shared the analogy Chanelle gave me of the thieves on the cross with Jesus - one turned to Him and one away (I will check - if not I will share next blog) - well this is it. I have always believed in God but I only seemed to call him to save my butt - not for direction and guidance. And just as I don't like to take help from others, I have not allowed Him to help me. I have had my face turned away. But as I see this now I don't need those rocks. Jesus already did all that work for me. Just as one tradition I have kept from Catholicism is uneccessary (back in my early 20s I almost became Catholic) - I usually go to communion reciting "Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed." I will recite that no more - in the future I will go to the Lord's table with words of thanks and praise on my lips - "Lord I thank you that due to your sacrifice you have made me worthy and healed me!" Likewise the girl's rosary - now don't get me wrong, I don't deny anyone their traditions and wew as humans often seem to need the ritual and symbolism - but we don't need Mary to pray for us sinners (whether praying to Mary is an issue or not - that is a personal belief again) - but again Jesus already made the sacrifice and NO ONE needs to pray for us. It is done; we are forgiven . The burden was lifted when He died and rose again. And that goes for everyone. Jesus never made stipulations - there isn't a dress code, or a secret handshake or a certain criteria that gets us forgiveness. God gave His only beloved Son to die on the cross for the world! The world - no added criteria there. Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, Protestants - matters not. We are all his creation and his children. When Jesus walked the earth who did he hang out with? He didn't have a private club - he hung out with real people - real sinners and He loved them and forgave them and loved them more! Now these are my private musings - not meant to judge anyone's beliefs - just the way it has come to me on the Camino.
So even though I didn't need those rocks, I had carried them. And even coming to this realization, I still asked God for that sign - a bit laughlingly and adding outloud - Hey God its for me and my human need for that symbolism.
So as I neared the end and walked mostly in the shade for the first time that day along a canal I talked outloud with God. Jokingly I told Him he would have to hit me upside the head for me to recognize a sign cause I am one hard headed skeptic. Well He gave me that sign, and it was such that I couldn't ignore it for less than it was - trust me I went there and tried to dismiss it. So I unloaded that rock on the road along the canal outside of Fromista.
This morning when I learned of Andrew's death I wondered if that sign was really more than what it was, but rather dismissed this idea. There have been so many gifts given to me as I have walked - like I mentioned earlier: the wind, the encouragement, etc, so the appearance of Emily and Chanelle were another such gift. I had planned to walk alone today, but I believe God knew that if I did I would spend too much time in sorrow at the loss of a friend. So He sent me those angels of the Camino. Since they had read my message, they knew my sorrow and could share and console, but they also helped to lift my spirits and keep me positive rather than wallowing in the sadness. I received another similar sign today. As we approached a graveyard today I hung back and shed a tear or two or ten really. As I proceeded to begin walking again I was visited by the same sign again. Perhaps I will explain this more another time, but the symbol was in the form of a butterfly. A small white one. Today it was joined by a second today and after I witnessed the same thing Ihad yesterday the two butterflies joined together and flew up into the sky - continuing up until I could no longer see them. I know Andrew is at peace but I felt that greater reassurance and I know his wife and daughter we find comfort and shelter thru there loss.
I know to some of you this may sound like musings of a religious fanatic or ramblings of a mad women who's spent too much time in the sun, but I assure you neither is the case. My challenge now is to return home and keep these miracles alive in my daily life - tosee God's presence in everything each and every day. It is easy on the Camino, but I know it won't be when I return home. Also it will be easy to fall back into ways of guilt and blaming and trying to do things my way instead of being open to love and forgiveness and guidance.
I don't know that sharing these things makes any difference. I cant really share the Camino - in a way I am even glad I can't send many pictures. Each person's experience is there own and so you havve to do it yourself - and I don't believe it has to be done on The Camino, but it isn't something you can really experience from your home dealing with the normal day to day. I hope at least in sharing some of my thoughts and experiences something might bless your life. I also hope you can wade thru the typose as with this venue - keyboard and cellphone - editing is almost as hard as downloading pictures.
It is time for a rest now. Sending love and wishing you the peace of God that is beyond all understanding!
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Home and Away
Bob Carlsen
Thanks, again, for sharing...
humans find it hard to accept gifts without feeling the need to reciprocate. So we find it hard to accept Christ's free gift of salvation, and set out to work for it. Our works should be the grateful response, not an act to reciprocate, which is what you discovered on the Way.