Distracted

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The month of February brings it's own set of distractions and emotional challenges for me. Even though I find myself on the other side of the world, entrenched in a different culture/language/environment, my thoughts are often drifting back to my family back home. My protective nature leads me to worry about my Mom and siblings as I wonder how they are coping this month? The month of February brings with it the date of my Dad's passing and some of my most cherished and heart wrenching memories of the last few weeks of my Dad's life. The 26th of February marks the two year anniversary and I find comfort in knowing that my mom will be surrounded by our never failing support system. But still i wish i could be there.

I still replay the same questions over and over in my head trying to recreate an alternative outcome. Should we have avoided the radiation? The chemotherapy? One and not the other? Would Dad have lived longer without the interference of modern medicine? Should we have tried more alternative medicine? What would have happened if he was diagnosed sooner? What about this? Or that? It's exhausting! An answer is never to be found!

One thing is for sure, my Dad could do nothing more than base all of his decisions on the knowledge that he had at the time; with the main goal to fight! All we as a family could do is trust and support his decisions. Dad knew it was a losing battle the moment he heard the diagnoses "esophagus cancer" (google was unfortunately too reliable in
this instance) but he fought for more time. He fought for his family so that they could live another month/week/day without being faced with the grief of losing a husband/father. And as the end drew near Dad asked that we not be angry with him when he was no longer able to hold on. I told Dad with confidence that we would be okay as i knew that their would be love and support around us when we needed it. Dad ensured that we were always surrounded by awesome, positive people.

My most cherished memory of my Dad is what I consider to be my "movie" moment. Let me set the scene for when Dad presented his words of wisdom. Dad was in the hospital and had just finished signing a DNR (which solidified the reality of the situation). Alexis had just been called home from Saskatoon due to Dads declining health. Alexis walked in the room first with me quick at her heels. When Dad looked up and saw Alexis standing there, he had a huge smile on his face and his eyes welled up with tears (surprised to see her and relieved to have the family all together I am sure). The three of us held each other in a long embrace. Alexis and I sat with Dad and I asked "What can I do for you?" (expecting him to ask for a glass of water or something). Instead he answered with "Be happy. Finish school, fall in love, get married, and have children. Just be happy. And take care of your mother." So those are the last words of advice that I take from my Dad and that is what I hope for myself and the rest of my
family. I will strive everyday to be happy and to live a fulfilling life and I hope that, through doing so, I will make my Dad proud. So as I continue the rest of my year long adventure I will think of my Dad often and know that he will guide and protect me. And during my time in India, I strive to find a balance between taking care of myself and giving myself to others.

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Comments

[Doreen Rushka]

Crystal....I couldn\'t sleep, so decided to come downstairs, and catch on my FB. I\'m so glad I did...in the quiet of the house, I read your last entry \" Distracted\". Oh, what a beautiful entry it was! Crystal, you are a amazing young woman ~~I\'m so proud to be your friend. I didn\'t know your father, but I know he is bursting with pride, as he looks down on you! And he\'s keeping you safe, as you travel around the world. What a fabulous year this will be...such great memories!! I\'m keeping you close to my heart this month, especially now. I hope one day, you\'ll return to Nelson...you know you\'re always WELCOME Here! Travel safe, dear Crystal....love you lots. xoxoxo Doreen

[Paula]

So very proud of you!
Oh crystal, this post brought tears to my eyes. You are just one of the most inspiring people I know and I can only wish to be more like you. I am so incredibly proud of all the great work you are doing there. You are changing these children's lives!! Thinking of you today.... And miss you!! Xoxo

[Virginia Altrogge]

Feb. 26/12
Hello Crystal...I am so glad to hear you are doing great on your trip...absorb the culture, food, and landscape. I feel compassion for you and your family at this time and understand your loss as my father passed away from the same type of cancer...and it took me about 5 years to pass the card section and not feel a lump in my throat, most times I just went home and left the rest of my shopping for another time. I feel his presence at times and think of him often, though now with a smile of contentment knowing he is okay now. That too will come for you and your family. God Bless you and your family and may he help to carry you through this difficult time and also to keep watch over you and bring you home safely. Much love across the miles Crystal.