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Published: December 27th 2011
Apparently my body was begging for sleep. A few days earlier I was starting to mumble my words whilst sober so I knew my body needed it. If you think about it for 1 month I have been going all out to see this great land and averaged about 6 hours a day sleep averaging about 6 hours a day driving (including the rest days) It was eventually going to catch up but why… why on an American Halloween.
It was so unfair because my two prior poor performances on the drink in JP5 have been at the moment I have met these two guys I’d spend the night with. One being our good friend Robert Parish and another being a Pittsburgh local I met a day after Robert Parish and in Kosovo. I had a pretty drunk night in Skopje but at least I drunk a load to get to that stage… In Pittsburgh I had predicted I might be a weak drunk but not like this.
Two beers before the ‘pre-game’ party and I make an announcement. “Yeah I think I am going to be a cheap drunk tonight.” I don’t think I’ve
ever said this and I have never ever been this cheap. Not even when I was a teenager.
There was indecision as to what to wear for Halloween. I wanted to be either a Greek police officer with a baton, knee and shin guards. I had the police shirt and the smell as I drove with it for a few days straight and let the smell fester in the trunk of the car. The other, and my favourite, was a North Dakotan hunter from Grand Forks. I had an orange cap, a Minnesota Wild NHL Jersey. I just needed to buy a camouflage mouth and neck guard and a rifle.
We went to Wal-Mart to find a toy gun but only found real rifles. As we passed the various bullets on sale we reach the very affordable rifles. $22 was very much in my price range. There were others with green rubber bullets. Concerned that only real rifles will be available. I had a look on the Internet with Jackie in Iowa City as a joke to see if I could get a licence.
She informed there is a ‘Conceal and
Carry licence’ that’s required to legally have one. It took perhaps 1 minute searching to find a place that would give a 4 hour course providing a rifle for the course and bullets. The course would go through classroom and live fire instructions. Cleaning and maintenance, carrying methods, home defence etc. It would allow yours truly to legally carry a rifle in 31 states of this great nation – one being Pennsylvania.
I all of a sudden got very excited. I than read the fine print and it takes one month to get the certificate. But for $100, a rifle licence is still possible in the near future. We walked out of Wal-Mart overwhelmed of the affordability and accessibility of the guns and forgot to look for a toy gun.
So with only an hour left till the party due to our late arrival to Pittsburgh. I was really only half in costume. Robert Parish on the other hand was in more of a predicament. He was left with only two options. One lame, the other Fan! Tas! Tic!
A few days earlier he mentioned that he had bought in Italy
a pair of Statue of David underwear. He showed me them whilst sorting out his backpack all excited with David’s crown jewels showing. His excitement changed to concern as I encouraged him to use that as his costume. All we needed was some white or greyish face paint and he could rub it over his body and go as the Statue of David. I hope you can imagine me making the most of this situation.
With Parish’s reluctance he searched through his backpack and suggested us two to go as Australian’s. Lame yes and to support the team I joined him and we went as Australians… I suggested that we should use vegemite as cologne but that joke was taken serious and was rejected.
The pre-game party had big red cups (or solo cups as its known here). I have to admit it is one of my weaknesses and I think generally it could also be that the drink is free when the big red cup comes out… which is also my weakness. Robert Parish suggested we should just stick to beer... I thought otherwise.
“This could be your first and
only chance to drink from big red cups. You have to take this opportunity.” I stated as I proceed to pour some heavily induced drinks with vodka and all of a sudden the night for me goes through flashes… very few flashes.
Freezing outside may have helped the brain switch off (luckily Robert didn’t go with the statue of David costume). A guy dressed as an occupy Wall Street protester said he was going to tell everyone that we are not Australians just that we perfected the accent.
One flash was the game flip cup. I knew I had enough drink but as an Australian I had to play and get pulled over. Flip cup is where you skull your drink than flip the cup from the top at the edge of the table so the cup flips and lands at the top of the cup on the table. It then continues along a chain of around 5-6 people in a team. With two teams facing opposite each other.
I drink with some going down the side and someone says, “Okay now flip it!” I was 3 in and we were
behind so I just decide to play place cup on table instead and forget the flip part. “No, no, no you have to flip it!” the whole table says. Robert Parish is pissing himself. I get it on my 3
rd attempt but my team didn’t wait and went ahead anyway.
The next memory is my Pittsburgh mate goes, “Drew you are in a good place right now… You are defiantly in a good place right now.” My body was in shut down mode. I recall almost nothing of the party or of the after party at the local bar. Where I possibly passed out in the toilet? Who knows? When I exited there was a long line up.
I was told that two good looking girls were chatting to me probably begging for me to get my senses back. Tourism is not popular here so the sound of a different accent really heightens the female race attraction to yours truly and Robert Parish. But on this night my night would be with my first ever virgin sleep standing up. This lead to an eventual incomprehensible conversation with my mate’s porcelain bowel. I woke up
the next day having to reconfirm that I am 30 and this had just happened. It had to be the exhaustion and my body finally telling me enough is enough.
But with a nights rest we were at it again… I mean come on this is Pittsburgh so far the best city in the states. Sure we timed it for Halloween, a weekend and a Sunday when the Pittsburgh Steelers were playing their archrivals the New England Patriots.
But Pittsburgh is more than just that it isn’t a tourist destination but if it were in any other place in the world it would be an instant hit. The drive from the west takes you through the green valleys with mist hovering below. Out of nowhere the sight of the first few skyscrapers pop up as you weave your way closer to the city.
I was expecting a trashy blue-collar town but instead with a wrong turn (one of many) you can drive up the hill to Mt Washington and Pittsburgh’s beauty is revealed. As winter was only a month away the days became shorter and the sun had set by the
time we got to the top.
A blue hue sets over the horizon with the two rivers slithering through the city. One side is Mt Washington, on the other is the CBD with skyscrapers of various heights reflecting off one another. Maybe if there was no hill it would be just another city but so far it has been unique for its dramatic viewpoint over a large American city.
The blue collar still exists here and no city takes pride in its drinking working class culture than Pittsburgh thus far. The ultimate way to witness this is to travel to Heinz Field for a Pittsburgh Steelers game.
I was feeling worse for wear and gave the keys to Robert Parish to drive a few hours earlier than the 4pm kick off so we could join up on a football tradition that is tailgating.
Tailgating is the best example that I have found to witness Americans passion for sport, passion to get pissed, passion to express themselves. Once we parked the car we walked along the river passing the baseball stadium and approached Heinz field. These two stadiums add
to the beauty of Pittsburgh. It also adds to a community feel for mind.
I already had tickets for the Washington Redskins game the following week so I wasn’t desperate to see a game. I had a budget of $40 from a scalper. That seemed unrealistic so we thought we’d spend our time tailgating to at least get some of the experience.
To Tailgate the uniquely American way is to, first of all you need a car, you park it next to the stadium at a car park. We didn’t do that but it’s perfectly fine to just roam around with the fans. The late kick off meant the tailgating was all in.
The trunk is lifted exposing all the goodies and than the drinking starts but that would be a lame tailgate. In Pittsburgh out comes a bbq, Kegs, beer pong tables, a sack throwing game, stereo systems blaring, DJ’s the party atmosphere was electric. So much so it lifted me out of my slumber.
Unable to find an affordable ticket we headed to a bar to watch the game there. What we stumbled across was possibly
the best bar for a male that shits all over Hooters. The best way I have described it apart from Hooters on steroids is an extremely toned down version of a gentleman’s club selling food and alcohol.
The bar ‘Tilted Kilt’ has women skimpily clad in very short tartan skirts with white shirts revealing impressive cleavage. The crowd is generally male and the middle-aged men flirt and ask to get photos of the 21-mid 20 year old girls that work there. It is the best place for proof of bar keeps flirting for tips.
It was about 20 minutes till kick off and the bar was packed… This is a normal everyday family bar/restaurant. And three girls are on table tops yelling out “Come on guys beers for two dollars!” or “Shots, Shots for $5!” shaking there goodies, bending their legs rapidly.
We were quite content with staying at this tease of a bar when a guy comes up to us and says, “Do you want to go to the game? I can give you two tickets for $50 for the two.” He paid $125 for the deuce and said his
friend won’t even get there until after half time.
The whole time tailgating I was saying, “We should really go to this game the past 10 years these two have been like the best teams.” At $25 I was under budget so we had to do it and join the 64000 plus crowd. We enter and head toward our seat. The top tier and we walk up the stairs and we keep walking… and we keep walking… we just keep walking until finally we arrive at row LL, the last row of the stadium. Any further up and we would have plunged to our deaths.
My warmest clothing is a blue wind jacket which was the New England Patriots colours so I coped a bit from the fans at times so I amped up in support for the Steelers because hey “Fuck Tom Brady.” I know bits and pieces more so than most non-Americans about the game and I know its right to not like the quarterback of the Patriots. And “Fuck Tom Brady” was a popular saying in the crowd.
I went all American accent with my cheering too. The
main one was whenever the Steelers got a 1
st down the announcer would call out. “Aaaanndd that was another Steelers!” (Crowd) “1
ST DOWN!” First as in ferrst. The crowd rarely has all bums on seats. There is always people getting beers or lining up for food but the toilet line up was always like a half time pee no matter what point of the game.
To avoid the line up I ordered my round of beers from a guy selling beer up and down the aisle. I wanted to just yell out “Hey! Mate!!” but realised he would have no idea so I went all American and yelled out as he turned his back and started walking down the near 40 rows again. “Hey! Yo! Hey Yo!” Robert Parish said I should have said, “Hey yo buddy!” which would have been better as others in the crowd joined in. “Hey Yo! Yo! Yo!”
The game was pretty free flowing with the punters hardly used. That meant plenty of “Feerst down” calls. Steelers were all over the Patriots defence and the game ended with a safety, which was a bonus… Gotta love a good safety.
With the game over it was back to the Tilted Kilt for obvious reasons. We have diner there and when we finished a black out occurred. People lost stuff on the floor and got there iphones out and couldn’t see a thing. So out goes my $20 Nokia with the flashlight and those around us were quite impressed with this feature “What is that a flashlight?”
We considered leaving when some of the bar keeps decided to strip to their lingerie. With the sight of women with mighty fine arses in g-strings running around the bar we stayed a few minutes more until the fun was over and headed to E Cason St, which across the river on the Mt Washington side of town.
Jacks bar was the suggestion from my friend, which turned out to be that all American bar. Fluorescent lights at the shop front. Inside a dive bar feel, with pool tables out the back after squeezing though a small hallway. The toilet for 2’s had no door. Cigarette smoke stifles the oxygen and Pittsburgh was living the American dream.
We could have left on
Monday but decided to see a few museums and chose to stay. Our friend was off to study and he only had one key so we left our bags there and by 10am we realised that was a bad move. See on Monday Pittsburgh’s major museums are closed. So we grabbed a bit to eat and walked around down town.
The other thing that occupied our time was navigating the city, which out did Kansas City’s effort. Pittsburgh have some of the worst and most unrealistic sharp turns in the world. Confusing the GPS and forcing us around the world to get from A to B.
We headed back up to Mt Washington for that incredible view and managed to do that during peak hour and the radio station that we were on really made it an enjoyable experience. Something along the lines of “We are 10 seconds away from your Pittsburgh 5pm traffic jaaammm!” Music blaring. “One listener called up and said “I’d just like to say hello to all you people out there who are running out of petrol and stuck in the 5pm traffic jam.”
Our friend was
not home until 9pm from studies so the only option we could think of was to get pissed so off we went again on our 5
th night straight since joining forces on the road trip.
E Cason St was close by and we headed there. On the way past we saw a sign saying 25c Buffalo wings special for Monday night football. We take up our seat on the bar where I was in my zone again. I ordered the hottest sauce for my buffalo wings in which the bar lady was highly impressed in my calmness.
Some people were still in Halloween costume and they would sit to the left of us and right. We chatted to some and would join up with them for the rest of the night. Pittsburgh was my first opportunity to witness as a team the Americans wilt under the vibrations of the Australian accent.
We started the conversation with them when they asked for me to take a photo of them “Yeah sure!” is all I said. “Oh My God are you from Australia!” followed by “Your accent is so sexy.” We’d end up
back at Jacks before close and as we left after a brief kiss from snow white we walked to our car. As of this night our running joke and move would derive from this moment.
Our car is on the back street and whenever we see a good looking girl we just raise the voice slightly. Move the head slightly left or right so the vocals don’t get blocked off by one of our faces and project complete dribble. Like we are having a conversation as a means to get the accent out there. If they turn around we’d say, “G’day how’s it goin’?” (Actually the last part is more a joke but inadvertently it has happened.)
This one girl near our car fell for this move and turned around in complete awe. Turns her head around, mouth drops, still walking and she trips slightly on the pavement, her friend’s help her regain stability.
My Pittsburgh friend on day one didn’t give the best advice but still it is true advise. He said “Look don’t worry about drink driving here the police don’t care. It’s almost impossible to find a taxi.
Just don’t get in an accident and you’ll be fine. Police will never pull you over.”
I waited in the car for a bit to sober up slightly, public urinated as a necessity in a park and by 330am we headed back. Up the street of my friends place Robert Parish spotted some deer. Headlights on I put my orange cap on and finally I would get my Halloween wish and became a North Dakotan hunter from Grand Forks. As we navigate the tight streets going about 20 mph we spot a second deer and the pursuit was on.
I found it funny that as Australians we get asked do kangaroos live and roam around in the city and here in America we are chasing down deer. We managed to corner them twice. They got away the first time only for them to leap 3 times over some fences to run off behind the car after being stuck in a small cul-de-sac.
On the second pursuit I saw a larger road, “Surely they are not dumb enough to go up this street.” Sure enough they were there and it continued. It
eventually finished with the two splitting and hopefully splitting to out of town and to the safety of the country.
Pittsburgh was a great city despite its indifferences of my experience. Within the first 15 minutes I was caught with my pants down when I went to take a shower. Not wanting my jeans wet I took them off in my friends living room and at the exact point of no return my friend’s girlfriend walked in. From the get go Pittsburgh was meant to be an experience and to date it has been the best part of my US road trip. Thanks again Pittsburgh.
******
Obviously this is the last blog entry for the year. Thanks to all people who have given up their time to check out my stories. I hope you've enjoyed them as much as I have in reflecting whilst typing it down. Happy New Year to all of you out there and you'll hear from me next year in about 5 days time. The stories are going to be coming thick and fast from here on in. I am about 12 stories behind and then some. So get
your reading glasses ready!!
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Home and Away
Bob Carlsen
Happy New Year
I went to college just north of Pittsburgh, and married a local girl. My favorite football team is the Steelers. I'm glad that you liked Pittsburgh...real America! I hope to make it to the West...where we retired.