imnotnormal

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I think its about time I sit down and add an entry. Truth is I've been meaning to for quite some time now, but everytime I sit in front of the screen I don't know how to put in word the thoughts that cross my mind. So now I'm just going to write.

I'd like to start off by saying thank you for all the caring words and thoughts throughout this time. I'm sorry for not getting back to some of you. It's still all a little unreal. And to be honest, I've been avoiding interaction with friends since dad passed away. Unhealthy? I know. But we've all got our own ways to deal with grief. I've really only chatted with a friend who also lost his dad a few month before. I guess knowing that he went through the same thing as me made it seem a little safe, whatever that means. But now he's in Africa somewhere saving lives or something. So maybe this is my attempt to cope and express some of the things that have been going on without actually having to interact because I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I feel like talking about it, going over the memories of the days that lead up to his passing, will make it real. And right now, it doesn't feel real. I still feel like he's alive and that he'll walk through the door at any second.

So I try to go on with life, but the normalicy of life makes it worse. Going back to work was the hardest, when everyone "got over" the incident and continued on their way, it was hard knowing that my life could never go back to the way it was. I find myself at times in a situation or conversation, thinking oh I gotta tell dad that and then i get sad.
Some days I feel like my heart is actually breaking. When I think about the past, it makes me happy. It's the future that makes me sad. When I think about my wedding day, I cry nearly every time. So that is why I'm a little hesitant to call you back right away. I'm sorry.

It's been almost three months now. The first month we closed the restaurant and after things "settled down" my mom, sister and I went on a little road trip. No plans, no reservations. We just needed to get away. We headed east from Kansas City, through a rain storm pass St. Louis and ended up in Memphis. A night there and a short trip to Graceland made me drool over Elvis. I never realized he was such a cool guy. Then we headed south down to New Orleans. Such an interesting city, but wasn't really feeling the craziness of drinking and partying. But the food was pretty good. Next was Dallas. Just what I've been waiting for...jimjilbang. Was totally looking forward to just relaxing, but it was different from the ones in Korea and way overpacked with the holidays. Finanally headed back to Kansas City to come home to a house full of antiques that my uncled had been buying since his arrival for the funeral. He's got a importing business and I think he's found his new target. In December we opened the restaurant again and things have been steady. We have had awesome customers that totally understand and have been really supportive.

Work has been keeping me busy and its both bad and good. I feel like I've got a lot of challanges coming up this year, so we'll see how it goes.

oh and "i'm not normal" sure, you can say you aren't either. but the more i think about it, it's kind of freaking me out. you know that road trip we took? we took a framed picture of dad with us in the car and hotel. That's not normal. It's been three months, and I'm still sleeping in the same room as my mother and sister. That's not normal. Will I ever be "normal"? And do I want to be?

This is my last blog on travelblog. Since I'm not traveling anymore, I thought I'd switch to wordpress. Follow me here if youd like: https://iamtriangular.wordpress.com/

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Comments

[Rick Vaughn]

Welcome back!
I'm glad to read your updates. Sorry to hear about your father... I hope you and your family are doing better soon. have a great year and keep the blog posts coming!

[kj]

nobody's normal
don't worry, we all think everyone else but the truth is, nobody's normal. :)