Personal Reflections: Beyond Culture

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Okay. As followers of my Australian travel blog know, I have had my sexual orientation questioned quite a lot here. This is a post reflecting on how this is affecting me and my perspective of Australian culture. It will also contain my general feelings about sexual orientation, gender vs sex, and gender identity. If you aren't comfortable with these topics, then this is your que to step off the train and limit your journey.

My Gender

Anyone who has known me for more than 6 years can attest to the fact that I was a HUGE tomboy. I rejected all things "girly" when I was in elementary and middle school. I'd don a dress every once in a while, and occasionally let my sister style my hair, but I just wasn't interested in dresses, make-up, and the cut throat culture that came with being a typical little girl. Instead I played sports (the rougher and tougher the better), went hiking, got muddy, swam, cycled, hunted frogs and snakes, and built things.

When I left home for a public, residential high school, I shed a lot of that reactionary rejection and embraced much more of my feminine side. Notice I said "reactionary rejection" - that's because when I was younger I felt forced into an ultimatum. Either I had to be a "real girl" wear pink, play with barbies, spend hours making myself look pretty, lose weight, suddenly lose my interest in science and math, and most importantly learn to giggle and bat my eyelashes, or I had to be a "tomboy". Thus, I grew up under the false impression that I couldn't enjoy certain activities - like getting dirty, playing rough, wearing comfortable clothes, and playing video games - and still identify as a girl.

Luckily for me, I have a wonderful mother who never pushed me to act a certain way (except for honorable and well-mannered) or tried to force me to fit into other people's perspectives. Thank you mom! I also had a father who really enjoyed having a daughter to share those "father-son" activities with - i.e. fishing, camping, learning to throw a punch/baseball, racing, chess, etc. Thanks for accepting me for who I was dad!

So, what gender am I? Well, I am a woman. A woman who loves sports, is a budding marine ecologist, loves lime green, hates hot pink, DOES NOT sacrifice function for form in fashion ... EVER, thinks it is a waste of time to wear make-up or straighten/style your hair unless it's a special occasion (very special if makeup is involved), and enjoys many activities falsely identified as "man territory". Guess what, I have two X chromosomes and I LOVE basketball, video games, higher mathematics, getting muddy, fishing, physical exertion, lifting weights, strategy games, computers, sci-fi, having short hair, AND wearing comfortable clothes in realistic colors. Those things have nothing to do with being a man or being a woman. They are just hobbies and preferences. (P.S. I also love heavy metal and I play trombone).

How Having Australian's Question My Sexual Orientation Has Affected Me

Despite the fact that I was a tomboy in elementary school, no one ever questioned my sexual orientation. I was never called derogatory names related to being gay, nor was I questioned particularly often. If someone did ask me if I was a lesbian, my politely saying "no" was the end of the discussion. In other words, I was never accused of being a lesbian and people seemed to believe me when I said I was attracted only to men.

Now, it is possible that no one gave me a hard time in elementary school because I was 5'7'' (1.7m) by grade 5 (age 12). There were no physical bullies in any of my classes because I was the only person who could conceivably be the bully - and most of the would be "victims" (really dorky, scrawny little boys) were (and still are) my best friends. Or perhaps no one thought I was lesbian in elementary, middle, and early high school. Who knows.

I was also never questioned in college, although I had a boyfriend pretty consistently until my senior year. But now that I am in Australia I am questioned about my sexual orientation ALL the time. I can't say it particularly bothers me that someone thinks I am a lesbian per say, it's probably more the fact that I don't like being misjudged or misunderstood in general. However, it really bothers me that I can see the disbelief on people's faces when I say I am not a lesbian. It's one thing to question someone's sexual orientation, it's unbelievable presumptuous for you to smirk and say "Yeah. Okay" when they answer your question.

Admittedly, I have a very small sample size of Australians (only about 6-8 I regularly correspond with) but each of them assumed I was lesbian from the start, and I'm pretty sure three of them don't believe me when I say I am straight. This attitude is affecting my perspective of Australians in general - and it's not for the better. I am trying to remind myself that my small sample size is not representative, but when 100% of the Australians you know brazenly ask you about your sexual orientation, and about 50% of them make it obvious they don't believe that you are straight, it starts to leave an impression. In general, I find the attitude about sexual orientation to be very annoying and quite elementary. (Did I mention that most of these people are my age or several years older?)

In addition to having a negative impact on my impression of Australian culture, the consistent questioning of my sexual orientation is beginning to affect my confidence. I find myself a lot more self-aware than I ever remember being. I double guess my actions around people a lot now, and I often consider how something will be perceived by others before I act. To some extent this may be a good thing (it's good to be considerate of others), but overall I see it as negative. I mean, I'm not really being myself when I choose not to make a comment because I assume it will bring up the "Is Sarah a lesbian" discussion now am I? I'm also much more worried about my appearance and often feel the need to explain my choice in clothes and hair cuts. But then my rational self shouts, "You don't have to explain anything! It's your hair, your life, and your body - cloth and do with it what you will!"

Gender Identity versus Sexual Orientation

This leads me to my final discussion - sexual orientation and gender identity. It has always confounded me why people think that your gender identity (matched to biological sex or otherwise) is somehow a reflection on your orientation. What on earth does being gay have to do with being a man? Nothing. Similarly, a lesbian woman is as much a woman as a straight woman - the two just don't intersect. Gender is a social construct - the "rules" of gender roles change between cultures. Ask a Japanese man and an American man what it is to be "a man" and you will get vastly different answers. Sexual orientation however, has fixed definitions and does not change between cultures. If you are a man attracted only to men you are gay, whether you are a gay Australian or Spaniard doesn't change the boundaries of your orientation.

That being said, I identify with lesbian woman as well as I identify with straight women. We are all women, and thus share experiences unique to being a woman in our respective cultures. And I'd like to add that I consider a woman born into a man's body to be as much of a woman as me (regardless of her choice to pursue hormones and/or surgery). So to me, a woman is a woman, be she straight, gay, or containing a y chromosome.

The reason I bring up gender identity and sexual orientation is that I am asked about my sexual orientation because of the way I dress and the length of my hair. It would be one thing if someone asked me if I was a lesbian because I was drooling over a waitress, but it's another when this question comes because I like to wear T-shirts and have short hair.

I welcome your opinions and comments on any aspects of this post. The pictures I've provided highlight my physical appearance and a decent sample of my day to day activities to augment the reading.

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Photos

They're cute!
Senior year of high school. I'm cuddling with a baby black bear. They are so precious when they are young.

Theoretical Physics Frisbee
Freshman year of college, donning my competitive face after some ultimate beach Frisbee with a rather unruly beach toy.

I got the shirt!
Sophomore year of college. After annoying the heck out of someone passing shirts out, I finally got one of the "midnight madness" T-shirts.

Otter Trawl
Summer before my senior year of college. I'm working research cruises up the Hudson River.

I did it!
The day before graduating from college, I'm fist pumping after earning my honors medallion. Four years of hard work went into that medal.

Snorkeling
This was taken a few months ago, I'm snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef. It's hard enough to keep the hair out of my goggles with short hair, it would be incredibly irksome if it were longer.

Hanging Out
Literally. I'm hanging off of a two story tower on the beach in downtown Townsville. I'm into that sort of stuff.

Comments

[Deidre]

OMG I must be gay to! LOL
I have short hair only because it is easier to take care of and I don't have time to mess with it all the time. I love wearing t-shirts and jeans and once in a great while, I like dressing up. I don't care to wear panty hose because they always need pulled up or they snag. I tried walking in high heals to a concert one time in the casino. I had to take my shoes off and walk back to the car. Those things hurt! I also love to fish, I like baseball but can't really hit the side of a barn anymore. I like hiking. I never did sports in school. I wish I was pushed to at least try them. Not into the rough games though. I did learn about football because that is what one of my kids were into. I also loved four wheeling. I loved playing in mud and with matchbox cars and building roads and I played with Barbie and GI Joe. Ken was too whimpy. I also played house with dolls. I think I grew up a well rounded person. I think boys should have dolls and girls can play with cars if they want to. They are fun to make roads for. You can find women attractive but acting on that is what determines where you stand. I like men. Men can make you say it is men like you that make women want to be lesbians. Again, it is if you act on that or not. I have men friends that I value and I have women friends that I love to death. I hug them, tell them I love them and that is because I want them to know that in case some day they are not there. That is just how I am. I consider them family. Maybe their culture is not used to telling the same gender they love them unless they are a family member. Keep being you Sarah, you are one of the bravest women I know. If your friends there doubt you, show them this. Oh yeah, there are women race car drivers here, does that make them gay?

[Morrison]

Bully for you!
People think all kinds of stupid stuff because you don't hew to their small-minded expectations. To this sort of thing I say, "Bah Humbug!" You seem to be saying the same thing, too! Good for you!

[mat vickers]

we're all lesbians
Hey Sarah, I can't apologise for people asking questions. The typical aussie is, I think, a bit more forward and blunt than people from most other countries, so when people ask you about your sexual orientation, they most likely want to know more about you, and you can answer them or not as befits your mood and how closely you want to get to know said person. But what I do think is ordinary is that aussies disbelieve you when you answer their question. Tell them to bugger off. I hope it is an artefact of a small sample size, but sadly it quite likely isn't. I hope it doesn't taint your view of all of us. (p.s. we use "ordinary" to mean "shit house" or "bad" in australia...)

[lesa downs]

very well said
Im very surprized that your having this issue at all.... Im very confused with the importence of your sexuality at all not that its really any bodys business any way... But Im very proud of who you are and your beleafs in general and as your mother I know that you speak your mind and have never been afraid to speake your mind or what you beleave in.....Thats what I love most of you.... you care for others and you speak up!! Now that this has been addressed maybe they will let you get back to why your there in the first place .....go get them tiger......and not the tiger sharks lol love you!!

[Sarah L Fann]

Thanks for the comments
Thanks to everyone who has responded to this. DISCLAIMER: I love my Aussie friends even if I am tired of the "Is Sarah a Lesbian?" issue. It's toned down with the friends I hang out with everyday. However, it's still an everyday issue and when I realized how it was affecting me I decided to articulate my opinions and experiences. In the States, you would usually ask someone about their sexual orientation as a last resort. Because asking if someone is gay implies that you think they are gay. If you wait and gather more information you can usually find out without having to ask, and thus coming across as judgemental. However, I see nothing wrong with being blunt and open - and I usually turn these "are you a lesbian?" events into oppurtunities to discuss differences in gender roles which lead them to question my sexual orientation. IF they will here me out - usually they go silent which I learned long ago is a bad thing.

[Cody Wilson]

Insightful
Hello Sarah. My focus is sexuality. These roads of gender, sexual orientation & identity that supposedly run parallel have always intrigued me. The divergence (or intersection) of these roads has only recently been moved into the spot light. The way we raise our children, whether it be "boy" or "girl", blue or pink is supposed to be the end all determinant for ones sexuality. It is completely understandable for one to assume you're lesbian, as anyone that deters from this norm is thought to do so for a reason of sexual orientation. When these gender characteristics and stereotypes we know so well and apply so casually are challenged, it is only natural to think something is "off". Slowly but surely, as people are exposed to all different types of traditional gender rule breakers, we will see a change in their perceptions and assumptions. Surround yourself with open-minded people like yourself and grit your teeth - all in good time. Have you found any research regarding the perception of sexual identity & orientation in Australia? I did a quick search and couldn't find anything off the bat.