ihavebeenhibernating

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Lately I've been thinking a lot about where I was at this time last year and often feel sad about not being able to travel the world and living free from anything other than where my next distination will be and how I will get there. Then on days like today I'm grateful for where I am and who I am able to be around.

I've been in what some may call hibernation for the last year (I've even deactivated my facebook). In just a few short weeks it will mark a year of being back in the states and I still feel as lost as I did when I got here a year ago, lost in knowing what I want to do with life and who I am. It's sad and scary and often in the last year I feel that I've lost so much including lives of people that have been in my life since childhood, relationships with friends I thought would be around forever and much of who I am. In many ways it's sad, but I've been trying to look at the brighter side of things.

There has always been something about the fall that made me feel like it was the beginning of something. Maybe its the childhood memories of starting school each fall, new classes, new teachers, new clothes, etc. So it made me want to start over too. A lot of people keep asking where I am, what I'm doing and where and what I plan on doing next. Let's say in the last year I've been stretched to my limits. Last year I came home to my parents new restaurant. Just a few weeks into opening, my sister decided to move back home to help manage the restaurant for the next two years. I came home blinded from being away and had no expectations of what I would be doing, where I would go or just how long I would be in Kansas City or the states alone. After a massive restructure of the business, a position was developed for my sister and myself and a few months turned into a year of being here. I look back and can't believe that its been a year since coming home. It's been fun and hard all in one. My sister and I joke that we are in "life training" and honestly after this next year I feel like I'll be able to take on anything.

This weekend my dad was admitted into the hospital for acute liver failure. After a few weeks of noticable weight loss and his skin changing into a yellow color (literally, he was yellow), we went in to find out what was wrong. Last Friday he went into see a GI specialist and after seeing him, the doctors wanted him to be admitted as soon as possible to monitor him throughout the weekend. After numerous tests, he will be going in tomorrow (hopefully) to have the blockage in his liver removed. With all fingers crossed, the cause will be something minor and he'll be back to normal in a matter of days.

When I mentioned that in the last year I felt like I've lost a bit of who I was, I felt that each day I was back home, I was slowly forgetting what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I felt that I had to be here for Mom and Dad, and that soon turned to guilt and began turning into resentment. I pushed the one person that meant the world to me away. I felt that I started to become selfish, decietful, lonely and regretted my choices of moving back. But losing people and things this year and going through this with Dad, have made the reconsider life and what it is that I was meant to do. It made me reevaluate my relationships and what went wrong. And I have even learned that because someone isn't in your life doesn't mean that they don't love you. I've also learned that even though I've committed to another year here (yes, I'm saying it out loud) doesn't mean that I'm stuck and that in the next year, I want to figure out what I really want to do with my life which includes going back to school and working with people that can't help themselves, traveling the world and building relationships with people that encourage me. So in the next year, keep me accountable on my goal and keep in touch cause I'm coming out of hibernation!

Peace and Love

Susan

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Comments

[Rick Vaughn]

Welcome back!
I enjoyed reading your posts in the past, Susan, and I am glad you have not dropped off the face of the earth! Please continue to keep us updated, and I hope your father's health improves!

[kalpesh]

Life's a journey not a destination.
Life's a journey not a destination. I remember seeing that on one of those cheesy motivation posters or coffee mugs (probably on the desk of a coworker I didn't like... hehe j/k). But I think that statement stuck with me, and really runs true. The process of "finding ourself" is not easy, and it's different for everyone, and it happens at different times. Every year, I'm rediscovering myself, and I'm all over the goddamn place. It's not easy, my mind probably hates me, but I'm still moving forward. I'm thinking a change is coming in 2011, time to reinvent, innovate and change the game. I think the lessons you're learning now are invaluable, and can't be taught in any classroom, and can only come from on the job life experience. You don't always need a roadmap to figuring everything out, just ballpark it, besides you're not going to have googlemap directions - cause life is about the journey, not necessarily having a destination. :) -kj

[Chitra]

mm..
The choices you make are an extension of your freedom and how you choose to live it... someone once told me that, and it put things in perspective for me. I know you will always be aware of your actions and reflective of your choices, stay strong and unapologetic about the decisions you make for your well-being and the well-being of others. We all have to be selfish for one reason or another, but it's in how we react and are aware of those actions. I appreciate your honesty and reflection ma. Thinking of your family and your father. Hope to connect with you more. BIG HUG.