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Published: April 2nd 2006
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Bad Man Pull Up
The minibuses are absolutely crazy. There's usually about 18 people crammed into the 12 available seats, they drive like maniacs, and there's usually someone hanging out the door yellings things at people on the side of the road. ie: "Spanish Town, brownie?" Step 1:
It is 11:00 on Wednesday morning. You stand at the bus stop for 30 minutes and watch 15 minibuses drive by yelling "Spanishtown, brownie?" All the while the usually reliable #22 bus refuses to rear its ugly head. Instead, a strung-out rastaman rears his ugly (very ugly) head. When walking by the bus stop, the rastaman says "hey pretty baby" to one of the girls standing by you. The lady ignores his lude comment and instead of continuing on in his merry little stupor, the rasta decides to stop and holler for 10 minutes about how the rastas get no respect from women and how people in general have no respect for others and how it wouldn't kill the pretty lady to just say hello to him and how the women will only chat with you if they want to get you in bed and how the world needs love and how if all we sisters and brothers loved each other like we love Jah the world would be a much better place. If his eyes hadn't been so glazed over on account of the ganja, you might have taken his comments more seriously, as he did raise some
Friends of Louie?
These old guys closely resemble Louie - minus, of course, the club foot. And they probably have a few more teeth than he does. pretty good points about respect for all people. Instead, you try to drown out his hollering and you secretly thank god when the 22 finally arrives.
Step 2:
You board the bus to find that every seat is taken save one in the very back row, sitting between a young man who's wearing more bling than sean coombs and an old man with 3 teeth (not 3 teeth missing, but 3 teeth total) a lazy eye, a propensity towards body odor, and a club foot. You find out the old man's name is Louie, he lives in Greendale and even though you've already refused to give him your phone number and turned him down for a date on account of your 'husband' back in the US, he'd still very much enjoy it if you'd stop by and visit him sometime. Also, he knows you're not looking for a "good man" in Jamaica, but if you were, he really likes you, he just might love you even though you just met, and he'd be interested in marrying you if you ever divorce your foreign 'husband'. You nod and laugh accordingly and secretly thank god when Louie finally gets off the
Home Sweet Home
The neighborhood directly behind the bus station in Spanish Town where much of the shooting has taken place. The tin walls are a sure-fire sign that you've entered the ghetto and, thus, poverty is rampant. bus in Greendale and waves goodbye.
Step 3:
You are walking to work when one of the vendors that sits outside of the school selling snacks and bag juice smiles and waves you down. You walk over and say "good afternoon." She replies with the same greeting, then without hesitation makes the comment: "I noticed you're fat like me." You laugh and say, "yes, it seems that way," taking note of the fact that she's about 7 sizes larger than you are. Then she asks you if you will give her some of your clothes and you think for a moment this is certainly the strangest request you've had in a long time and you tell her that you actually have a need for your clothes for the time being, because they don't let you work in the nude at Mustard Seed. Then she says, "so you're a Mustard Seed volunteer?" And you say "yes" and she asks you when you're going back home and you say "end of June" and she asks if, before you leave Jamaica, you will give her your clothes because you won't need them in the US? So you tell her you will see
Sleeping, Selling, It
He's got Red Stripe, Guinness, sodas and snacks for sale, but this street vendor is doing more sleeping than selling, apparently. what you can do. You secretly thank god for crazy women who don't bother being subtle about what they want and you continue walking to work.
Step 4:
Your boss receives a phone call around 3:30 pm warning her that there's been some violence in downtown Spanish Town and everyone should probably leave work as soon as possible. Upon inquiring what happened, you find out that there was a body discovered in the dumpster at the Spanish Town bus station earlier that morning. The body was in a shoe box. The body was a newborn baby. You admit that that's absolutely terrible but you wonder why that's caused so much commotion that you should be forced to leave work early. Then you find out that an hour earlier, two heavily armed men entered the Spanish Town bus station and began shooting indiscriminately. Two people were killed. A turf war ensued and gunshots between rival gangs were being fired all over town. Your first thought is that you were just at the Spanish Town bus station 3 hours ago, and you secretly thank god for the good timing. Your second thought is that you shouldn't be so selfish and you
Cold Head?
Another street vendor, this one selling every kind of hat imaginable, including (and much to my chagrin) the Yankees. Why do Jamaicans care about the stupid yankees? secretly curse god for the bad timing of the two people who died. Your third thought is of how you will get home, since you sure as hell won't be taking a bus from Spanish Town.
Step 5:
You get a ride back to Kingston with the secretary and she drops you at a bus stop where you promptly board a bus to Half Way Tree and pay your fare and notice that a lady behind you has also boarded but has tried to sneak past the attendant without paying. The attendant also takes notice and asks the lady for her bus fare, at which point the lady immediately begins cursing and yelling "bumblecloth" (which is the name Jamaicans yell at people when they're really pissed). The crazy fare-dodging lady pushes her way to the middle of the bus to try to avoid the attendant, who has yelled to the bus driver not to move until the lady either pays or gets off the bus. This doesn't sit well with crazy fare-dodging lady, whose argument is that she's only going a little way up the road and it's raining and she doesn't see why she should have to pay.
1 Cop, 2 Cops, 3 Cops, 4....and more...
The police van sitting in the parking lot, trying to instill some sense of fear but generally just angering those people trying to live their lives. After a minute or so, everyone on the bus becomes involved, discussing (or rather, screaming) their opinions at the crazy fare-dodging lady and at the bus driver. Some people try to push her off the bus. Others argue that the bus makes enough money, one lady won't make a bit of difference. Finally, someone passes money to the attendant, offering to pay for the crazy fare-dodging lady's ticket, but at this point the bus driver is pissed off at the lady's shenanigans and refuses to drive until she gets off, which she also refuses to do, so we sit blocking traffic for a good 5 minutes before the driver finally decides to suck it up and drive. You secretly thank god that the crazy fare-dodging lady didn't pull a knife and you make a mental note to take the buses as little as possible from now on.
Step 6:
You have arrived in Half Way Tree, leg one of your journey is complete and you just need one more taxi before you are home free. Unfortunately, luck is not on your side today. You notice that all the street vendors who are usually set up along Half Way Tree
Working or Women-Watching?
I'm pretty sure the police force spends 50% of its time harassing people and the other 50% staring at and trying to seduce women. Road are packing up their goods and pushing their carts into the parking lot where you are standing. That is when you notice the police van driving quickly up the road towards you. The van is chock-a-block full of bullet-proof-vest-wearing, humongous-gun-weilding, uniformed officers. And that is when you remember the story on the news the night before about how the cops are trying to clear out all the "illegal vendors" on the street, who are set up in front of store property without any kind of license. This basically entails ALL vendors, since no one really has a liscence to sell pirated DVDs, penny candy, or bras and underwear on the side of the street. Not only do the cops chase away the vendors, but their presence is a hindrance to the route taxis who leave from this very same parking lot....illegally, of course. Instead of boarding a taxi, you are forced to wait another 30 minutes while the police patrol the parking lot, harassing people, pointing their guns at men selling coconuts and children selling peanuts, writing tickets to the few taxi drivers they catch trying to leave with passengers. In general, just being pompous bastards. Once they've decided they've had enough fun, the police reboard their vehicle and continue onto the next parking lot, where you are sure they will inevitably harass more people trying to earn a decent living and put food on the table for their kids. Not that you're bitter about it or anything.
At this point, your Wednesday has almost reached a close and insanity has been induced and, more than likely, is consuming your life. There is no cure. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
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Elijah
non-member comment
Check Your "bumblecloth"...
I know that new and diffrent cultures can be hard to deal with, but you must refraine from misspelling there words it shows some amount of neglect for a deeper respect for that culture. You do not cast Jamaicans in a good light and I would ask you to take some time to adjust and learn about what is making you mad. On that note i like your blog keep it up. Bumbaclot meaning womens menstural pad. Roots in multiple african toungs.